(no subject)
So, DHON has come and gone, that great big life-consuming headache-inducing thing which keeps juan valdez's children fat throughout the month of march, and just today I finally cajoled it onto a disk to turn in. Finally. Like having babies, these projects. We whimper and wail through the all-nighters and revisions until the moment they shake our hands at the end of the defense and we forget how painful it was. And then there is the postpartum depression. And then we think that maybe we should do another. Or that's what happened to me, so I now have two babies. I'll be leaving UTC with my name in the library catalog twice, which is not much, but something.
My director suggested I submit it to the American Anthropological Association, which could mean I'll be presenting it at the annual meeting in November. Gads. The highlight of my life thus far, and probably for a long time after that. If they accept. It costs a pretty penny to submit, and when the Anth department agreed to foot the bill, I started to figure that they must have some serious faith in AAA accepting it. So, I'm very afraid. I want this, really, really, really, but such a whimsical topic, string theory and Aboriginal Dreamtime. But it's a gorgeous thing, the oldest extant culture in the world and the newest theory in physics bumping up against each other so nicely, sharing so many things: vibrational energy--not substance--as the foundation of identity, the rejection of linear time, invisible dimensions and the limitations of human perception, life and material as music, things so different from the scientific perspective around which our culture has evolved. Look to the primitive cultures and the mystic traditions for harbingers of what is to come after the impending paradigm shift as string theory bleeds over into mainstream physics.
They'd better accept it. Not being narcissitic, but I needing an ego boost. The Callahan thing broke me heart and reminded me of things. I was just thinking earlier today that I should throw it in. All of it. I'm so fucking over doing things with my brain. Professors often telling me how well I write and nobody wanting to print my work, people saying that I have a lovely voice and never getting a call after an audition, that I'm smart enough that I could do well in any field and am destined to be a success and not being able to so much as get a job at Walgreen's or Food Lion, makes me furious and rail against the cosmos and Zeus and the fates and baby jesus. I'm fabulous in theory but it's really starting to appear as though nothing will ever come of it, and I feel like saying fuck it all you fucking fuckers and popping out a hundred babies and dying in childbirth just for spite. Jesus I'm so mad at you.
But, I searched deep within my masochistic self and I entered another essay contest today despite the broken heart pining for that Callahan thing and then the AAA and then this job in China I want in an OMG way, and if they all fall though, I suppose I'll take that as my cue to get knocked up. Goddammit I hate me so much today. Also, I was too chicken shit to sing tonight, and how fun would that have been. At least people would be clapping for me, at least there would be something acknowleding my competence, and why am I so fragile? Something has to happen, soon. These grades don't mean shit.
My director suggested I submit it to the American Anthropological Association, which could mean I'll be presenting it at the annual meeting in November. Gads. The highlight of my life thus far, and probably for a long time after that. If they accept. It costs a pretty penny to submit, and when the Anth department agreed to foot the bill, I started to figure that they must have some serious faith in AAA accepting it. So, I'm very afraid. I want this, really, really, really, but such a whimsical topic, string theory and Aboriginal Dreamtime. But it's a gorgeous thing, the oldest extant culture in the world and the newest theory in physics bumping up against each other so nicely, sharing so many things: vibrational energy--not substance--as the foundation of identity, the rejection of linear time, invisible dimensions and the limitations of human perception, life and material as music, things so different from the scientific perspective around which our culture has evolved. Look to the primitive cultures and the mystic traditions for harbingers of what is to come after the impending paradigm shift as string theory bleeds over into mainstream physics.
They'd better accept it. Not being narcissitic, but I needing an ego boost. The Callahan thing broke me heart and reminded me of things. I was just thinking earlier today that I should throw it in. All of it. I'm so fucking over doing things with my brain. Professors often telling me how well I write and nobody wanting to print my work, people saying that I have a lovely voice and never getting a call after an audition, that I'm smart enough that I could do well in any field and am destined to be a success and not being able to so much as get a job at Walgreen's or Food Lion, makes me furious and rail against the cosmos and Zeus and the fates and baby jesus. I'm fabulous in theory but it's really starting to appear as though nothing will ever come of it, and I feel like saying fuck it all you fucking fuckers and popping out a hundred babies and dying in childbirth just for spite. Jesus I'm so mad at you.
But, I searched deep within my masochistic self and I entered another essay contest today despite the broken heart pining for that Callahan thing and then the AAA and then this job in China I want in an OMG way, and if they all fall though, I suppose I'll take that as my cue to get knocked up. Goddammit I hate me so much today. Also, I was too chicken shit to sing tonight, and how fun would that have been. At least people would be clapping for me, at least there would be something acknowleding my competence, and why am I so fragile? Something has to happen, soon. These grades don't mean shit.