Next, on Sick Sad World
Watching old episodes of Daria got me thinking about the massive changes I've made throughout my life. Case in point, I can't believe it's actually hard for me to type these words. There was a time when writing expressively was so easy and natural, and it seems now sometimes unless I really get inspired that I have to struggle with what I want to say. I'm pretty sure my high school aged self would probably put a bullet through my head if she were here.
Quintessentially, I was Daria throughout my high school years. Same awkward, anti-social tendencies and a disposition towards sarcasm, although I always thought she was much more well-read than I was, and a hell of a lot more stoic. But I think what is interesting about Daria is that the entire series, which revolves around high school, ends with the promises of a greater plane of existence, a mecca of intellectualism. The sacred glory that was supposed to be college. And yet, you never get to see what happens afterwards. It is assumed, Daria goes off to college where she is able to socialize with people more like herself, and perhaps truly blossom into a more mature individual with the potential for a happy life.
But we don't know if that is what happens. And we don't know how Daria reacts when she learns that college is essentially high school 2.0, and if essentially she stays the same, aloof, angry individual. What happens when the goal is reached? Where do we go from there? What do we do when we realize that not only are people going to be the same everywhere, but that you will be too?
Sometimes I'm amazed at how much I have changed, and at the same time I am frustrated and disappointed with how much I have stayed the same. And sometimes I'm not sure if all of the things that have changed are the things I wished would have changed by this time. While I am immensely proud of myself for many of the things I have achieved within myself, there are still things that I am frustrated about that have not changed. While I have a much higher understanding of my thought process and more control over my emotions, while I have become much more grounded, I'm still shy to the point of fear of meeting new people. I still feel awkward and out of place in most situations. I'm still not happy.
I spent so much time in high school thinking about college, and so much time in college thinking about grad school, that I completely forgot that there is life afterwards. And the worst part of all, is that I feel that because I have forgotten about the rest of my life, that I also forgot it is more important to work on yourself in order to be able to enjoy life. I tried to set myself up in a situation in which I'll be happy, but I have no idea how to bring about this happiness or what to do in this life I have worked so hard for.
Most of the things I've written in my life I try to wrap up with some sort of resolution, whether it's good or bad. Ambiguity and uncertainty are the only things I'll end this entry with.
Quintessentially, I was Daria throughout my high school years. Same awkward, anti-social tendencies and a disposition towards sarcasm, although I always thought she was much more well-read than I was, and a hell of a lot more stoic. But I think what is interesting about Daria is that the entire series, which revolves around high school, ends with the promises of a greater plane of existence, a mecca of intellectualism. The sacred glory that was supposed to be college. And yet, you never get to see what happens afterwards. It is assumed, Daria goes off to college where she is able to socialize with people more like herself, and perhaps truly blossom into a more mature individual with the potential for a happy life.
But we don't know if that is what happens. And we don't know how Daria reacts when she learns that college is essentially high school 2.0, and if essentially she stays the same, aloof, angry individual. What happens when the goal is reached? Where do we go from there? What do we do when we realize that not only are people going to be the same everywhere, but that you will be too?
Sometimes I'm amazed at how much I have changed, and at the same time I am frustrated and disappointed with how much I have stayed the same. And sometimes I'm not sure if all of the things that have changed are the things I wished would have changed by this time. While I am immensely proud of myself for many of the things I have achieved within myself, there are still things that I am frustrated about that have not changed. While I have a much higher understanding of my thought process and more control over my emotions, while I have become much more grounded, I'm still shy to the point of fear of meeting new people. I still feel awkward and out of place in most situations. I'm still not happy.
I spent so much time in high school thinking about college, and so much time in college thinking about grad school, that I completely forgot that there is life afterwards. And the worst part of all, is that I feel that because I have forgotten about the rest of my life, that I also forgot it is more important to work on yourself in order to be able to enjoy life. I tried to set myself up in a situation in which I'll be happy, but I have no idea how to bring about this happiness or what to do in this life I have worked so hard for.
Most of the things I've written in my life I try to wrap up with some sort of resolution, whether it's good or bad. Ambiguity and uncertainty are the only things I'll end this entry with.