(no subject)
It's funny; I'm usually the person my friends and co-workers turn to when they have a problem, yet I seldom if ever ever share my problems with them. It's really because I don't want to burden my friends with my problems--that is, I don't want to be a burden to them. I think it's because I always felt like I was a burden to my family, and didn't want to add to it. Katie says that the reason I come off as aloof or unflappable is because I don't let other people know what's going on or how much it affects me. Well, today, I intend to resolve that (or at least take the first step).
Here goes...
The cancer scared the crap out of me. There were a good number of days at work that I had to go hide in the stockroom for a few minutes so my co-workers wouldn't see me cry. I still worry about recurrence, no matter how much I put up a brave front. This damned thing has killed three generations of men in my family, and now it's after me.
It gets worse. We were just barely getting by, living paycheck-to-paycheck, before this happened. Now, we've added over $3000 in medical bills to all of that. To top it off, my student loans went into default, and Sallie Mae started garnishing my paycheck (15 percent, right off the top). Oh, and did I mention that our company stopped giving overtime to management staff? That was about $100 a week for me, that I don't get any more.
There's more, and this is what has me the most stressed. My last two evaluations at work were "needs improvement"--if I get a third, I'm gone. The only way for me to save my job at all is to take a demotion (and accompanying pay cut). Evaluations will be sometime in the next three months, and when I asked my boss to be honest with me, he said that if they were held today, I wouldn't pass. So, I have one to three months to get my crew to understand that my ass is on the line and step things up while I'm on duty. For too long, I've been the "sweetheart boss", who lets them get away with stuff that the others don't, because I'm of the mind that "we're all adults, we all know what's expected of us, I'm not going to get in the way of you doing it".
Apparently, I fail as a boss because when somebody tells me their work is done, I take their word for it. I need to stop doing so much of the stuff myself, and communicate to my subordinates the urgency of the tasks. I need to get them to take me seriously, but I have no idea how to do that without being a tremendous ass.
Our financial situation is dire enough that we're going to see a debt counselor on Tuesday to see if there is anything we can do to get back on track. We've come close to foreclosure twice in just three years, because we spent all of our savings buying this house and the appliances it needed and had nothing left for emergencies. The gas and electric bills are ridiculous in winter ($80 for electric, $200+ for gas), and all of these things have combined to make budgeting near-impossible. I've tried the math every way I can think of, and I just can't make it work--maybe she can come up with something that I can't.
The really crazy thing is that things in my personal life were finally looking up. I was feeling really good about myself and Katie's recent growth, and was looking forward to visiting a friend this summer. Now, I don't know what's going to happen.
Part of the reason we are in so deep is because I hate to be a burden, but the other part is that I am just too damned proud to ask for help, even when I need it.
So, right here, right now, I am breaking one of my nastiest habits. I am asking for help. Please help me. Just so we are clear here, I don't want your money, I want your brains. Those of you who actually read this are smart people, and I want your help in brainstorming a way out of this mess. No (relevant) idea is too ridiculous or too far-fetched for me to consider.
Once again, I'm asking--begging--you, my friends: please help me.
Here goes...
The cancer scared the crap out of me. There were a good number of days at work that I had to go hide in the stockroom for a few minutes so my co-workers wouldn't see me cry. I still worry about recurrence, no matter how much I put up a brave front. This damned thing has killed three generations of men in my family, and now it's after me.
It gets worse. We were just barely getting by, living paycheck-to-paycheck, before this happened. Now, we've added over $3000 in medical bills to all of that. To top it off, my student loans went into default, and Sallie Mae started garnishing my paycheck (15 percent, right off the top). Oh, and did I mention that our company stopped giving overtime to management staff? That was about $100 a week for me, that I don't get any more.
There's more, and this is what has me the most stressed. My last two evaluations at work were "needs improvement"--if I get a third, I'm gone. The only way for me to save my job at all is to take a demotion (and accompanying pay cut). Evaluations will be sometime in the next three months, and when I asked my boss to be honest with me, he said that if they were held today, I wouldn't pass. So, I have one to three months to get my crew to understand that my ass is on the line and step things up while I'm on duty. For too long, I've been the "sweetheart boss", who lets them get away with stuff that the others don't, because I'm of the mind that "we're all adults, we all know what's expected of us, I'm not going to get in the way of you doing it".
Apparently, I fail as a boss because when somebody tells me their work is done, I take their word for it. I need to stop doing so much of the stuff myself, and communicate to my subordinates the urgency of the tasks. I need to get them to take me seriously, but I have no idea how to do that without being a tremendous ass.
Our financial situation is dire enough that we're going to see a debt counselor on Tuesday to see if there is anything we can do to get back on track. We've come close to foreclosure twice in just three years, because we spent all of our savings buying this house and the appliances it needed and had nothing left for emergencies. The gas and electric bills are ridiculous in winter ($80 for electric, $200+ for gas), and all of these things have combined to make budgeting near-impossible. I've tried the math every way I can think of, and I just can't make it work--maybe she can come up with something that I can't.
The really crazy thing is that things in my personal life were finally looking up. I was feeling really good about myself and Katie's recent growth, and was looking forward to visiting a friend this summer. Now, I don't know what's going to happen.
Part of the reason we are in so deep is because I hate to be a burden, but the other part is that I am just too damned proud to ask for help, even when I need it.
So, right here, right now, I am breaking one of my nastiest habits. I am asking for help. Please help me. Just so we are clear here, I don't want your money, I want your brains. Those of you who actually read this are smart people, and I want your help in brainstorming a way out of this mess. No (relevant) idea is too ridiculous or too far-fetched for me to consider.
Once again, I'm asking--begging--you, my friends: please help me.