how many times must we go through this?
i just turned my shit in. and by shit i do not mean work, stuff, things, etc. i mean actual crap, garbage, artistic bull. i snapped at maureen when she got out of the car at henry, almost hit a dog that ran out in front of me, and received a nasty look from rebecca as i walked into bergen. if i had just hit the dog and finals were not going on right now, i think that id feel the very same way i do at this moment. what a damn waste of EVERYTHING... i dont like having half of an ass, it makes even sitting uncomfortable. im making macaroni and cheese even though it makes me sick to my stomach, because i havent eaten anything since 4 oclock yesterday afternoon and have no money. my pants are falling off and im not sure if its because i havent eaten or because i need to do laundry- it was thrown and wrinkled on my unmade bed when i got home at 12:45am, after day three of 10 or more hours in the darkroom. i didnt split any lips last night- actually it was a somewhat pleasant experience (under the circumstances). i had intelligent and wonderful conversations with my classmates- which made me once again, regret not getting to know them sooner. chris and ben walked in and asked how i was, and i replied with a very frustrated "i suck", chris responded with a very loud and almost angry "YOU DONT SUCK" which caught me off guard and made me laugh. i have a tiny,tiny,tiny crush, but am not going to do anything about it- not because of him, but because its not that important to me right now, and im tired of being the one, who is then shut down... (im not being that serious about being shut down, though it is true). im just tired of bullshit and as a result, am quite possibly lacking... 90 minutes before ben took me home i stopped working on my prints- i sat at the table and TALKED the other half of my ass off. it felt much better being in light (artificial or not). it felt nice to be near other people in my situation, and to help with their color correction (much nicer than it felt being in absolute darkness working on my own) this left me with 17 tiny, unbalanced and unmatching prints- and i didnt care. i fell asleep on the couch closest to the fish.
and as i waited to leave i smiled a great big smile, "nice talking to you".
i have my entire graphic design project to do, and that class can burn in hell for all i care. this house is a damn mess and i am not going to clean until i feel like it. so screw you, no screwing in my room. only im allowed.
i cant find my phone and i need to send maureen a message: sorry for snapping. neither she, nor i, or anyone else matters...
hope you are well. if i could hug you as you read this, it would be the strongest youve ever felt- i need it back... take care, see you soon my friends.
(SIGH)