wtf
So I guess I should stop being a bum and like, post every once in a while. I mean, this is my only form of emotional outlet right? right. So basically I am back to that "trapped" feeling, the feeling which I know stems from moving around so much. Its like, I get into a situation or place and as soon as it starts feeling comfy, its like--"I GOTTA GO NOW!". Which is horrible because that means I will never allow myself to be completely happy and comfortable and just normal in general. Mike and I ran outta propane earlier this week, like on Tuesday. Didn't get more until Thursday and it was fucking-A cold in here. We like hibernated in our bedroom with the ferret cage, snake tank, both cats, litter box and food dishes. We kept the electric blanket on and had the lil electric heater turned way up. Mike is working on this website and its like, uhm, weird. I mean, not weird, but the feelings that it twinges inside of me is weird. I wanna say jealousy, but not quite. I mean, he sits in here on the computer constantly building it, but my emotions about it are odd. In one hand I am jealous because the entire outfit has nothing to do with me. I don't think I am mentioned once. I am also jealous because now he spends less time with me and more with the keyboard. On the other hand I am glad because it gives him something to do "away" from me. Sometimes I feel he is totally dependent upon me to like, breathe. so in a way this site is good for him. -sigh- Here we go, round and round, back to the weight loss thing. I won't mention how much I weigh because that would be admitting that I am a heifer. BUT to lighten up the subject I have discovered that my bestfriend weighs a mere five lbs less than I do. So that cheered me up, its good to know you aren't the fat girl of the group. We have decided to do something about our "weight problem" together. I mean, my "ideal" weight is 140. Right now thats like trying to see England from Ellis Isle for me. I am setting myself up to be unashamed of wearing a bathing suit in the summer. As in, I want to lose atleast ten pounds a month until June. Hopefully by then I will be able to stick to my routine until I am comfortable with my size/shape. Now, you may ask, "what makes this time different from all of the others?". On a recent night in bed I asked my husband (mistakenly) what was his least favorite part of my body, ofcourse he answeres "this" grabbing my stomach. Now, you have to understand, when I met Mike I was living at my mother's house. I weighed a considerable amount less. I actually have gained a whole other person since I moved out of there. So, with this said, I freak out. Not on him at all and not outwardly. It was an inwardly freaking out deal. It made me stop and think. This is my husband who loves me very very much and here he is being honest with me about a part of my body he doesn't like. Now, the real problem with this is that when I met Mike and apparently until recently he has always said "there is no part of you I would ever change". Okay, so I am sure he was refering to my personality and least of all to my body but I have this feeling he was also refering to my appearance. Now you may ask how his view of my body affects my appearence. This is easy. When I thought he was totally comfortable with my body, I feel into this oh, lets call it fashion depression. Where I would refuse to wear anything but yoga pants, jeans, t-shirts or wife beaters. Half of the time I didn't wear a bra. I went out in public in my fucking pajamas. How embarassing. And forget make-up or doing anything with my hair. Thats a joke. However, enlight of this recent discovery I have since then vowed to shower everyday and put in my contacts ATLEAST six times a week. I wear makeup most of the time and will not venture out of the house in my pajama pants. Okay, so I have the whole, "lets be a normal person" routine down. Its not like its all that hard, I know I went off course but living with Laura and my Mom has brought that back to me quite quickly. I have decided to make healthy living choices. 1. I am buying a Gazelle on which I intend to work out as much as possible as often as possible. I don't know when this is going to happen because I researched them and it seems the good one is like $400. I'm too poor to afford $40 right now. 2. I am researching dietary supplements. Something to help boost my metabolism and my thyroid productivity. Recently I have become convinced that I have developed a thyroid problem. Last year when I was going to the gym everyday and refusing to eat things that were bad for me, I didn't lose any weight, (okay maybe i lost like 5lbs TOTAL, but this was over a six-ten month period). How is it possible that I was eating right and exercising like a mad woman and not losing weight? It's not. So I am really considering other options here.
Moving right along. With this whole getting niced up everyday thing I have been eating less and becoming aware of the things I am choosing to eat. I think the worst thing that I ate this week was taco bell. I didn't even eat any like cakes or cookies or anything. Tonight, I guess dinner wasn't exactly HEALTHY, but it was better than McDonalds. Lets start at the beginning though. For breakfast I had an egg and three silver dollar pancakes (lil butter, not much syrup *not a big fan of it*). For lunch I had some imitation crabmeat, whish is surprisingly good eaten alone and it isn't very bad for you (130 cals per half cup w/ 2g fat, .25g sat. fat, 20 carbs). For dinner we ate shake n bake pork chops, mac n cheese and peas. Okay, so the peas were the best thing for me there, but atleast I actually ATE dinner. My problem stems from the fact that I do not eat enought. I will eat only lunch and it ends up being fast food or something equally horrifying followed by some nightmarishly fattening snack at like ten pm to suffice me for twelve hours. HUH! No wonder I am so fat. Tommorrow morning I am promising myself to be good. I will eat a bowl of Special K, which i LOVE, with 2% milk, I just cant cut down to skim, it's nasty; and an egg. For lunch I am going to figure it out. I will wing it as I go, eating the best option that I have. For dinner we are having chicken, no, not chicken breasts, but chicken. I can't afford chicken breasts. I don't understand why the breast is so expensive when it's the smallest and less tasty peice of the chicken, but okay. Actually, I am not sure if we are going to have chicken or fish, but those are basically our only choices. I really should get in to my hubby now.
-TB
Moving right along. With this whole getting niced up everyday thing I have been eating less and becoming aware of the things I am choosing to eat. I think the worst thing that I ate this week was taco bell. I didn't even eat any like cakes or cookies or anything. Tonight, I guess dinner wasn't exactly HEALTHY, but it was better than McDonalds. Lets start at the beginning though. For breakfast I had an egg and three silver dollar pancakes (lil butter, not much syrup *not a big fan of it*). For lunch I had some imitation crabmeat, whish is surprisingly good eaten alone and it isn't very bad for you (130 cals per half cup w/ 2g fat, .25g sat. fat, 20 carbs). For dinner we ate shake n bake pork chops, mac n cheese and peas. Okay, so the peas were the best thing for me there, but atleast I actually ATE dinner. My problem stems from the fact that I do not eat enought. I will eat only lunch and it ends up being fast food or something equally horrifying followed by some nightmarishly fattening snack at like ten pm to suffice me for twelve hours. HUH! No wonder I am so fat. Tommorrow morning I am promising myself to be good. I will eat a bowl of Special K, which i LOVE, with 2% milk, I just cant cut down to skim, it's nasty; and an egg. For lunch I am going to figure it out. I will wing it as I go, eating the best option that I have. For dinner we are having chicken, no, not chicken breasts, but chicken. I can't afford chicken breasts. I don't understand why the breast is so expensive when it's the smallest and less tasty peice of the chicken, but okay. Actually, I am not sure if we are going to have chicken or fish, but those are basically our only choices. I really should get in to my hubby now.
-TB