I didnt expect it from me
Don't u just love the holiday's. Everything is so pretty when its lit up and the happy music. Then just waiting for Christmas day, coming home and seeing everyone again. It just it always bring a smile to my face to think about going home soon. Now this also could be ebcuase then that means this semester is over and I dont have any work to do for a month.
And even though all of this good stuff brings a smile to my face. I became very gloomy today, and the reason that i became gloomy is not something i expected. I am always pushing people (especially us) to realize that we are better off without guys...and we have to realize that we are great without them...and that we dont need them to be happy. But the holiday season just brings something out that really makes me want to feel special and loved my someone. I was walking into a building on campus and there is this bench and its not in the middle of campus, it was somewhat secluded and there was this couple just sitting together, enjoying each other company, there was no back to the bench so they were straddling the bench and the girl was sitting in front of the guy, and they were just talking and it made me lonely, and it made me remember all of the things i loved about being in a relationship. Then i left that building a half an hour later, and they were still sitting there. But this time they were facing each other and they were just talking, and laughing, and just enjoying each others company. It really just made me feel lonely.
Besides that, this weekend i was home babysitting Joey, and Isa was visiting my grandparents, earlier that week we were talking online and seh was talking about how her and Andres (her bf) were getting back together and seh asked me if i wanted to be in a relationship...and i gave the usual answer...NO, i like being single, of course there are things i miss...but i dont ahve time to deal with the drama...her response to this "well, i guess when u are in an actual meaningful relationship it is hard to go back to being single and alone". I was in a meaningful relationship...i just dont want to be in one right now...it kinda just made me angry, like she thinks she is better than me.
Having someone for Christmas and new years is just nice..its not necessary...its just nice...then sooner or later the worst day of the year is coming up (Valentines Day.
And logically it wouldnt be good for me to go out and find a guy i want to be with...cause what if i do and then we start dating, and i leave for 6 months for Thailand. I wont want to leave, and ill be miserable over there just thinking how much i would rahter be with my boyfriend. I just love the feeling of security that there is someone out there that loves you, and that will always be there. And i know u guys are there for me too, but u all know its different when its that special person. But once again, maybe i am just being a dreamer and this feeling im feeling is just pointless.
And even though all of this good stuff brings a smile to my face. I became very gloomy today, and the reason that i became gloomy is not something i expected. I am always pushing people (especially us) to realize that we are better off without guys...and we have to realize that we are great without them...and that we dont need them to be happy. But the holiday season just brings something out that really makes me want to feel special and loved my someone. I was walking into a building on campus and there is this bench and its not in the middle of campus, it was somewhat secluded and there was this couple just sitting together, enjoying each other company, there was no back to the bench so they were straddling the bench and the girl was sitting in front of the guy, and they were just talking and it made me lonely, and it made me remember all of the things i loved about being in a relationship. Then i left that building a half an hour later, and they were still sitting there. But this time they were facing each other and they were just talking, and laughing, and just enjoying each others company. It really just made me feel lonely.
Besides that, this weekend i was home babysitting Joey, and Isa was visiting my grandparents, earlier that week we were talking online and seh was talking about how her and Andres (her bf) were getting back together and seh asked me if i wanted to be in a relationship...and i gave the usual answer...NO, i like being single, of course there are things i miss...but i dont ahve time to deal with the drama...her response to this "well, i guess when u are in an actual meaningful relationship it is hard to go back to being single and alone". I was in a meaningful relationship...i just dont want to be in one right now...it kinda just made me angry, like she thinks she is better than me.
Having someone for Christmas and new years is just nice..its not necessary...its just nice...then sooner or later the worst day of the year is coming up (Valentines Day.
And logically it wouldnt be good for me to go out and find a guy i want to be with...cause what if i do and then we start dating, and i leave for 6 months for Thailand. I wont want to leave, and ill be miserable over there just thinking how much i would rahter be with my boyfriend. I just love the feeling of security that there is someone out there that loves you, and that will always be there. And i know u guys are there for me too, but u all know its different when its that special person. But once again, maybe i am just being a dreamer and this feeling im feeling is just pointless.