for heather

[clifkix5]

This is so fucking sickening. I am pathetic in my whiny excuses to put a band-aid on when stitches are required. Call the doctor tim, this time it’s an emergency. All those old wounds have opened again. GOD FUCKING DAMNIT. I fucking hate this, I hate myself, I hate that I get like this, I hatye the fact that I drink so much that I am stupid enough to waste my time stringing these words together to fucking make this entry like some deranged composer. They say that Beethoven was completely deaf when he wrote his 9th symphony, regarded as his greatest masterpiece by some. How does one find so much beauty when the world has robbed you of the tools needed to see, hear, touch taste. I guess that’s what makes us humans. That’s what makes us people. That is what makes us care about the personal well being of others, and genuinely worry about people we care about. Today someone showed complete disregard for exactly how I feel when she reminded me why I fell for her in the first place. Just the little conversations we shared reminded me how we connected, traveled on the same wavelengths. I’m sick of these sad songs, I am that oversensitive guy. Some people would laugh and mock me for this, but the truth is, I’m a romantic, I care, and that me being sensitive is the beauty in me. Tim how far away are the paramedics, I can only hold on for so long. I can’t give in, I cant let go, I control my own destiny, I am the handler of my fate, it is me at the reins. I know hunter is going to have some witty remark about how much I suck at life for me and Achilles is going to tell me how much he loves me so I don’t commit suicide. Amber kostka doesn’t like blink 182 so that makes her a devil worshiper. Whoever else reads this, remember this for me. Once I was great, once I was a king among giants, and then this simple little girl fucked that all up for me. Tim, cancel the order, I’m going to take care of myself, because that’s what I was trained to do since childhood. I’m a loner, ill be fine, so don’t give me sad simple pathetic apologies. Let me lose myself in this bottle. Let me let go of my feelings, my emotions, my everything, because that’s what you have to do. I know the title of this entry is unnerving to some people, (Stephanie and Paul) the truth is, I have to do this. The truth is I’m still kicking, I’m still fighting. These sad songs keep reminding me that I’m lost and alone. God damn it, I wish I could erase these painful memories instead of trying to drink them out of me. Everyone, please and respectfully stop giving me advice on how to get over her, if I want your advice, I’ll ask for it, you do nothing but make it harder. You bring it up when I don’t want to talk about it. Damn I was doing so good. I’m sorry I fucked up. You fucked me up. Relax, the emt's already arrived, but I was already taken care of.

<4 clif

Yes this is one more than <3