Yuck.
From last week:
I've got a bit of a stomachache. I realize no one really reads this anymore.
I have wished many times that I was a better writer, or writer of stories more specifically. My writing is highly egocentric (which fulfills its practical purpose). It's funny how my writing seems to be much more prominent and complex when I'm "going through something" or, you know, making my way from point A to point B, like Columbia to Chicago. If I could be a truly extraordinary writer, or a truly extraordinary anything else it would be a very nice thing. I am above average in many areas of life but not really extraordinary in any of them. But I suppose that's true of most people anyway.
But I don't care much lately. I suppose when you're happy, life grants you other creative outlets. Don't have much to say as of late. Discussions on politics, religion, personal choice, s/m, polyandry and open relationships, etc. are happening verbally, and I figure it all out while I'm talking and not while I'm writing.
Lately it feels like I'm walking around in a two-dimensional world. I'm not particularly depressed, but I sense a general detachment from things even when I am enjoying them. I'm not sure what is causing this or what I can do about it. Maybe it's just the cold weather. Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's stress from the unique challenges of this job.
Whatever it is, I'll monitor and figure out somehow. I always do.
Today:
It feels pointless to write. I know something is wrong inside me but what is it? Continue to have a stomachache and higher anxiety than normal. Part of me would rather continue on and not try to address it because I feel so damn tired. I feel drained of strength and time. I feel only halfway into what I'm doing at times and forget why I love the people I see on the weekends. I don't want to hide from my gut feelings the way I used to.
Last night I bruised the feelings of the one I love. Couldn't feel worse about it, even today, but I know time has to fix those sorts of things and I only need to wait it out. I want things to keep being good the way we have been since the start but it's scary to see changes even when I know that my relationship with him is not the cause of them. What to do?
I just want to stop for a while. I feel so sad and I don't know why but I don't like it. I want to love my life and everything in it the way I have. If there's something I need to change I want to know and deal with it and not pretend that nothing's happening. And I don't want to be a constant downer to him, talking about these ambiguous depressed feelings. But I want to be myself too. Not sure how to work that.
All this exercising seems to have fucked with my perception of self. I know it's good for you but is there a way I can do it where it can be good for me? It adds a little bit more stress to my day and I don't know if I can exercise without the incentive of "seeing results." Maybe I should go back to eating well and doing active stuff whenever I feel like it instead of regimented workouts that make me tempted to count calories and not enjoy food the way I used to.
I know much of it is this job. But it sounds like some changes are coming that should make it easier for me. And, as always, just writing about it has already helped too.
xoxo
I've got a bit of a stomachache. I realize no one really reads this anymore.
I have wished many times that I was a better writer, or writer of stories more specifically. My writing is highly egocentric (which fulfills its practical purpose). It's funny how my writing seems to be much more prominent and complex when I'm "going through something" or, you know, making my way from point A to point B, like Columbia to Chicago. If I could be a truly extraordinary writer, or a truly extraordinary anything else it would be a very nice thing. I am above average in many areas of life but not really extraordinary in any of them. But I suppose that's true of most people anyway.
But I don't care much lately. I suppose when you're happy, life grants you other creative outlets. Don't have much to say as of late. Discussions on politics, religion, personal choice, s/m, polyandry and open relationships, etc. are happening verbally, and I figure it all out while I'm talking and not while I'm writing.
Lately it feels like I'm walking around in a two-dimensional world. I'm not particularly depressed, but I sense a general detachment from things even when I am enjoying them. I'm not sure what is causing this or what I can do about it. Maybe it's just the cold weather. Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's stress from the unique challenges of this job.
Whatever it is, I'll monitor and figure out somehow. I always do.
Today:
It feels pointless to write. I know something is wrong inside me but what is it? Continue to have a stomachache and higher anxiety than normal. Part of me would rather continue on and not try to address it because I feel so damn tired. I feel drained of strength and time. I feel only halfway into what I'm doing at times and forget why I love the people I see on the weekends. I don't want to hide from my gut feelings the way I used to.
Last night I bruised the feelings of the one I love. Couldn't feel worse about it, even today, but I know time has to fix those sorts of things and I only need to wait it out. I want things to keep being good the way we have been since the start but it's scary to see changes even when I know that my relationship with him is not the cause of them. What to do?
I just want to stop for a while. I feel so sad and I don't know why but I don't like it. I want to love my life and everything in it the way I have. If there's something I need to change I want to know and deal with it and not pretend that nothing's happening. And I don't want to be a constant downer to him, talking about these ambiguous depressed feelings. But I want to be myself too. Not sure how to work that.
All this exercising seems to have fucked with my perception of self. I know it's good for you but is there a way I can do it where it can be good for me? It adds a little bit more stress to my day and I don't know if I can exercise without the incentive of "seeing results." Maybe I should go back to eating well and doing active stuff whenever I feel like it instead of regimented workouts that make me tempted to count calories and not enjoy food the way I used to.
I know much of it is this job. But it sounds like some changes are coming that should make it easier for me. And, as always, just writing about it has already helped too.
xoxo