When you curl up into a ball...
Click to viewIt's one of those nights again...
One of those quiet, still and utterly sensitive nights that overwhelms your senses and forces you to look deep into the dark ravines of your own thoughts.
It's one of those nights again.
Someone once told me that the scariest things each of us have to overcome when we are on our deathbeds is remembering every single deed we've done throughout our lives and having to witness every minute of it flashing before our eyes just before we die. And if those scenes are excruciating to bear, or painful to relive through, it is that agony that will determine where we end up after that.
Since then, I've been careful to go through all the things I'd done at the end of the day when I'm alone on the bed, waiting for the comforting embrace of unconsciousness. There are many things I'm ashamed of saying, or doing, or thinking. Those things added up kill me, each night, again and again. Even when I try to balance it out with what good I'd done, those pale in comparison. This shows that I am still pretty much human, still pretty much flawed.
I meditated on this at length, and wondered why I keep making the same mistakes again and again. Why do I talk excessively so much, and say hurtful things? Why do I do it knowing that it might hurt someone?
I don't know.
But I realised that more important than berating myself on my misdeeds, more than what accounting for them is worth, is the act of taking responsibility and admitting that I've done wrong. Having confessed my flaws, it gives me a little bit more hope that every stumble I take along the way is a baby step towards freedom just the same. By using those wrongs as lessons to learn from, I am a much better person when I wake the next day.
And it is on that note that I leave you tonight, reflecting on your now day and how you chose to spend it.
Goodnight.