(no subject)
i'm getting better at rationalizing. i think i'm starting to put my almost-paranoid habit of interpreting a single situation a million different ways toward something productive. either that, or i'm learning to disregard the paranoia and stay more level headed.
the downtime here has given me a chance to stop and really confront my biggest stigmas. i've been keeping my tongue clear of my canker sores for a lot of my life, but lately i've found that swallowing a mouthful of salt, though it stings terribly at first, ends up curing them and saving me time i would've spent avoiding poking at one. i think many people would rather hold onto their scars than get to healing. that's fine; there are ways to be happy in the presence of sadness and i have respect for people who can and do make it happen. what i'm beginning to think is, why protect yourself? what's wrong with getting hurt? the saying, "why do we fall? so we can learn to pick ourselves up," is true. you cannot help the hand you're dealt, but you are more than capable of determining how you play it. you don't have to have a full house to win.
listen to a song that makes you sad when you're already upset. clean your room when you have a headache. get up early in the morning even though you didn't get enough sleep that night. push through, and you'll realize the things that kept you wary aren't so bad. don't you feel accomplished after a day of class when you almost skipped that morning just because you were tired? now instead of borrowing notes from a friend and trying to learn the material yourself before the test, you get to watch tv and take a shower. you saved yourself a lot of hassle down the road.
i'm a lot like my dad. i go through these bizarre but very pronounced mood swings, and on the darker slope i usually shut down and withdraw. the only positive aspect of the darker sides of the slopes is the relief i feel when i start to come back and the perspective i get from those particular frames of mind. what i need to do right now is just withdraw a little further and soon i'll get sick of being unable to see my hands two inches from my face. there's nothing wrong with regrouping.
it's been so nice meeting new people. everyone here is so different, but we're all here doing the same things. i always seem to forget that other people are people too and no one has the "real" answer, only their own. we're all studying from the same books, but we each take away a different meaning from the passages. people tell me certain actions are wrong, certain ways of thinking, but is that just something their parents taught them, or maybe society? i used to be so mindful of authority, of teachers and my parents and even other friends i had and still have a lot of respect for, but when i stop and think about it, all of those rules and regulations are man made. why the fuck should i be so politically correct in everything i do? i used to be so proud of the fact that none of my friends had anything bad to say about me at the beginning of high school. what??? who CARES??? everyone makes mistakes and everyone is forgiven for them. isn't that what friendship is about? everyone is human and i am too. i will make mistakes and i make no more unnecessary apologies for them in the future. there's a reason scars aren't still open wounds.
none of this is really going anywhere. i get off on random tangents and just end up feeling kind've scattered at the end.
this weekend will be fun and i won't regret anything. i'll just be myself and be happy. :)
the downtime here has given me a chance to stop and really confront my biggest stigmas. i've been keeping my tongue clear of my canker sores for a lot of my life, but lately i've found that swallowing a mouthful of salt, though it stings terribly at first, ends up curing them and saving me time i would've spent avoiding poking at one. i think many people would rather hold onto their scars than get to healing. that's fine; there are ways to be happy in the presence of sadness and i have respect for people who can and do make it happen. what i'm beginning to think is, why protect yourself? what's wrong with getting hurt? the saying, "why do we fall? so we can learn to pick ourselves up," is true. you cannot help the hand you're dealt, but you are more than capable of determining how you play it. you don't have to have a full house to win.
listen to a song that makes you sad when you're already upset. clean your room when you have a headache. get up early in the morning even though you didn't get enough sleep that night. push through, and you'll realize the things that kept you wary aren't so bad. don't you feel accomplished after a day of class when you almost skipped that morning just because you were tired? now instead of borrowing notes from a friend and trying to learn the material yourself before the test, you get to watch tv and take a shower. you saved yourself a lot of hassle down the road.
i'm a lot like my dad. i go through these bizarre but very pronounced mood swings, and on the darker slope i usually shut down and withdraw. the only positive aspect of the darker sides of the slopes is the relief i feel when i start to come back and the perspective i get from those particular frames of mind. what i need to do right now is just withdraw a little further and soon i'll get sick of being unable to see my hands two inches from my face. there's nothing wrong with regrouping.
it's been so nice meeting new people. everyone here is so different, but we're all here doing the same things. i always seem to forget that other people are people too and no one has the "real" answer, only their own. we're all studying from the same books, but we each take away a different meaning from the passages. people tell me certain actions are wrong, certain ways of thinking, but is that just something their parents taught them, or maybe society? i used to be so mindful of authority, of teachers and my parents and even other friends i had and still have a lot of respect for, but when i stop and think about it, all of those rules and regulations are man made. why the fuck should i be so politically correct in everything i do? i used to be so proud of the fact that none of my friends had anything bad to say about me at the beginning of high school. what??? who CARES??? everyone makes mistakes and everyone is forgiven for them. isn't that what friendship is about? everyone is human and i am too. i will make mistakes and i make no more unnecessary apologies for them in the future. there's a reason scars aren't still open wounds.
none of this is really going anywhere. i get off on random tangents and just end up feeling kind've scattered at the end.
this weekend will be fun and i won't regret anything. i'll just be myself and be happy. :)