Death and also my reason for happiness
So, my grandfather died today. Which i guess is a good thing cuz he isnt suffering anymore and I kno he was cuz well, he died of cancer cuz he had a tumor at the base of his brainstem so yeah...So im out for a while my NC kids and Im'a be home for a while to my MA kids. Im still gunna go to the Avenged 7fold concert which a lot of peepl dont understand and well, im not sure I even totally understand but i just need to. I need to relax, get away from my mom stressing out and being miserable so i can comprehend this for myself....I need the time alone to think on the plane, not the added stress of traveling with my rediculous mother. And above all, I need to not be there when everyone reunites right now. I need peepl to get used to the idea that hes not there in order for me to be able to go back and be okay. This has put me sooo on edge because yes I loved my grandfather very much despite his mean ways, but more because he was a constant in my past and is no more...and I cant cope with that. And also, because it just brings back that past pain of when my grandmother died into such sharp relief...i just dont know what to do with it. It makes me miss her and him and brings back old pain as well as new. Idk...
So yeah, I was coming home from school 2day with my mom when she told me...and i knew it was coming, he had a seizure beginning of the week that he nearly died from but...idk its a shock. Especially cuz i was sooo excited about this weekend with George. Anyways, when mom told me i guess i was in denial or sumthing but i didnt cry...i just hugged her and asked how my grandmother was holding up. But we pulled in the driveway and she said that they wanted me to sing at the funeral. That killed me. I burst out crying...the last funeral i did that at was Jills dads' or no, my grandfather's brothers' funeral was most recent, but they we so hard and i barely knew those peepl, just those who loved them. Now i know and love the person for whom Ill be singing and i know and love those who mourn him. How do i handle that? Anyway, I want to. For him...
When mom saw me hysterical she asked if i needed anything, if i wanted some tea and my immediate response was, "I want George". So yeah she called him and he came immediately and stayed til about 9:30...holding me, making me tea and making me sit and just breathe for a second, helping get dinner, planning flights up, figuring out how to handle the Myrtle Beach trip and my needing to go home...being everything I needed him to be for me and more than i could have wanted or expected from him. He's so amazing...My everything...
So now i go with George to Myrtle...get my mind of things...then emerge myself in misery and remembrances for a lil under a week and then ill be back the 2nd...possibly to go to school the 3rd, and then to go to Elon for an orientation about teaching fellows and then getting ready for and attending Twirp, which George is going to have to plan all of cuz Lord knows my mind will be elsewhere...But i know he will. And God i just cannot fathom how to express how much he means to me...he's literally my other half in so many ways...hes just, Amazing..
So yeah, I was coming home from school 2day with my mom when she told me...and i knew it was coming, he had a seizure beginning of the week that he nearly died from but...idk its a shock. Especially cuz i was sooo excited about this weekend with George. Anyways, when mom told me i guess i was in denial or sumthing but i didnt cry...i just hugged her and asked how my grandmother was holding up. But we pulled in the driveway and she said that they wanted me to sing at the funeral. That killed me. I burst out crying...the last funeral i did that at was Jills dads' or no, my grandfather's brothers' funeral was most recent, but they we so hard and i barely knew those peepl, just those who loved them. Now i know and love the person for whom Ill be singing and i know and love those who mourn him. How do i handle that? Anyway, I want to. For him...
When mom saw me hysterical she asked if i needed anything, if i wanted some tea and my immediate response was, "I want George". So yeah she called him and he came immediately and stayed til about 9:30...holding me, making me tea and making me sit and just breathe for a second, helping get dinner, planning flights up, figuring out how to handle the Myrtle Beach trip and my needing to go home...being everything I needed him to be for me and more than i could have wanted or expected from him. He's so amazing...My everything...
So now i go with George to Myrtle...get my mind of things...then emerge myself in misery and remembrances for a lil under a week and then ill be back the 2nd...possibly to go to school the 3rd, and then to go to Elon for an orientation about teaching fellows and then getting ready for and attending Twirp, which George is going to have to plan all of cuz Lord knows my mind will be elsewhere...But i know he will. And God i just cannot fathom how to express how much he means to me...he's literally my other half in so many ways...hes just, Amazing..