Okay, I had to do this. Though the sex scene is a bit snarky.
***
"You must save Arthur," intoned the dragon, "or all will be lost."
Sam blinked. A minute ago, he'd been in 21st-century Santa Barbara. Now he was standing here in what looked like a cross between a dungeon and an underground cavern with a dragon. Who was talking. And who was apparently worried about him.
Sam wasn't sure if he hated this or thought that it was kind of cool.
"Why do I have to save Arthur?" he asked, focusing on the one part of the conversation that he'd heard. He knew he couldn't ask who Arthur was--according to the script, he would be expected to know that--but he could at least inquire as to why Arthur-saving was part of his job description. "Why can't Arthur save himself?"
"You are two sides of the same coin," the dragon replied patiently. "The two of you must continue to exist, or there will be no Camelot, and therefore no world as you know it. Use your powers to save him, or he will cease to be by sunset."
"I don't have any powers," Sam lied. This is just a little too close for comfort.
The dragon laughed. "You have them. You do not know how to use them properly, for you fear them--but they are yours, whether you wish to admit it or not. And you are wasting time--speaking to me will not undo the curse that has bewitched the young prince."
Arthur. Prince Arthur of Camelot. Oh, this is just too weird.
Sam took a deep breath. "Where is he?"
"In his chambers, and dying. Although," the dragon added in a wry tone, "he doesn't seem to mind."
***
Dean had no idea how he'd ended up mid-intercourse with a woman who was the very personification of sex, but he wasn't complaining.
He had no idea whether she was blonde, brunette or redhead, if her skin was fair or dark, or whether she even had eyes. None of that seemed to matter. What did matter was that she was irresistible, passionate, perfect.
And he hadn't even had to date her first. Or pay her. This was just win all around.
"I love you, my liege," she sighed, and her voice thrilled Dean like the sound of Metallica playing in the Impala. "I cannot bear to be without you. I implore you, let us wed this very day so that our bliss together may last forever."
Dean was seconds from climax, so perhaps he might have been forgiven for not understanding a single word she spoke. "Yeah, anything you say," he whispered.
"You swear that we shall wed?" she asked. And her voice was a bit sharper and harsher, but Dean did not notice. That would have required thought, and right now, he was beyond that.
"Oh yes," he murmured and began driving deeper into her.
"Among my people, an oath taken thrice is binding. Say yet again that we shall wed at sunrise."
Dean was just opening his mouth to moan Yes once more when suddenly the girl screamed. Not a human scream, either. It sounded like the cawing of a thousand crows. Dean blinked, then pulled back in alarm. The sex goddess was gone, and in her place was a bird-headed woman in a feathered robe.
An extremely wet tomato was dripping from her forehead, which was as scorched and scored as if she'd been hit with napalm.
"Who dares--" she began in a squawk that killed the mood more effectively than the tomato had.
"Me," said Sam, stepping through the doorway. "Sa-Merlin of Camelot." He stretched a hand out, as if to grasp her. "Afeorsian lýðerful géosceaftgást!"
The bird-woman screamed as fire surrounded her and then vanished.
Dean took several deep breaths and then glared at his brother. "Not. Fair."
"Dean," Sam said, striding across the room and sitting down on the bed, "she was a demon. Someone who really wanted revenge sicced her on Arthur--that's you. The minute you came, she would have enslaved your mind and your sex drive. Then she would have eaten your life at sunrise."
"Yeah, but what a way to go," Dean sighed, and then leaned forward. "So what was that gibberish you were babbling?"
"Old English. I was trying to say something like, 'Go away, vile and doomed spirit,' but I'm not sure I got the grammar right--"
"If you notice, I'm not complaining." Then Dean frowned. "Where'd you get a tomato?"
"Kitchen. But first I took it to the chapel and washed it in holy water."
"Nice touch."
"Thank you."
"Shouldn't that have concluded the episode? Merlin saved Arthur. You saved me. We should be on our way to some other universe, right?"
"Logically." Sam slung one arm over Dean's bare shoulders in a companionable gesture. "Maybe we're just getting a breather."
At that point--Sam would later blame the Narrative Laws of Causality--a lovely and imperious young woman in a green velvet gown walked into Arthur's chamber, followed by a pretty young black woman clad in gold.
"Arthur?" the girl in green velvet was calling. "Arthur, Uther wants to see you in the Great--" Her words trailed off as she turned toward the bed.
The girl in gold stared for a moment and began giggling.
Sam stared back in evident bewilderment.
Dean glared at both girls. "This is not what it looks like."
"Of course not," the girl in green velvet said in a soothing tone. "I'm sure it's quite usual for the Prince of Camelot to be naked in his room in the middle of the day with his manservant's arm wrapped about him. Gwen and I do that all the time."
"Okay," Sam muttered as Gwen smiled happily up at the girl in green. "That's ridiculously hot."
"I was with a woman," Dean insisted. "Really. Well, a woman sex demon, anyway. She wanted me to marry her."
Gwen shook her head. "Again? That's the third time this month! Or is it the fourth?" She turned to the girl in green. "Morgana?"
"Fifth, I think." Morgana tapped one foot thoughtfully. "I had wondered why all the sorceresses, Sidhe, sirens and sex demonesses always have to enchant you to force you to be attracted to them. Now it makes sense."
Gwen turned to Merlin. "Have you kissed him yet?"
Sam gaped. "Wha--?"
"Well, you do keep saving him and Camelot," Morgana pointed out. "Eventually, Arthur's going to have to make an honest man of you. It's not as if there are a lot of princes with male consorts, but there's nothing to say it couldn't happen."
"Besides," Gwen added wistfully, "you are rather sweet together."
The two Winchesters exchanged glances of pure horror.
"Okay," Dean whispered. "This is getting creepy. If you've got any Merlin-ish spells to zap us out of here, use them now."
"I thought you hated me using my powers."
"Sammy," Dean retorted with great restraint, "unless you want to end up married to me in an episode for the November Sweeps, use 'em!"
Sam took a deep breath, nodded, and turned back to the two girls, who, in addition to watching the Winchesters, were now inexplicably sharing a jumbo bucket of popcorn. Lifting one hand, he spoke two words: "Losian áhwǽr!"
***
The sudden disappearance of both Merlin and Arthur was adjudged the best cliffhanger on TV that year.
***
"You must save Arthur," intoned the dragon, "or all will be lost."
Sam blinked. A minute ago, he'd been in 21st-century Santa Barbara. Now he was standing here in what looked like a cross between a dungeon and an underground cavern with a dragon. Who was talking. And who was apparently worried about him.
Sam wasn't sure if he hated this or thought that it was kind of cool.
"Why do I have to save Arthur?" he asked, focusing on the one part of the conversation that he'd heard. He knew he couldn't ask who Arthur was--according to the script, he would be expected to know that--but he could at least inquire as to why Arthur-saving was part of his job description. "Why can't Arthur save himself?"
"You are two sides of the same coin," the dragon replied patiently. "The two of you must continue to exist, or there will be no Camelot, and therefore no world as you know it. Use your powers to save him, or he will cease to be by sunset."
"I don't have any powers," Sam lied. This is just a little too close for comfort.
The dragon laughed. "You have them. You do not know how to use them properly, for you fear them--but they are yours, whether you wish to admit it or not. And you are wasting time--speaking to me will not undo the curse that has bewitched the young prince."
Arthur. Prince Arthur of Camelot. Oh, this is just too weird.
Sam took a deep breath. "Where is he?"
"In his chambers, and dying. Although," the dragon added in a wry tone, "he doesn't seem to mind."
***
Dean had no idea how he'd ended up mid-intercourse with a woman who was the very personification of sex, but he wasn't complaining.
He had no idea whether she was blonde, brunette or redhead, if her skin was fair or dark, or whether she even had eyes. None of that seemed to matter. What did matter was that she was irresistible, passionate, perfect.
And he hadn't even had to date her first. Or pay her. This was just win all around.
"I love you, my liege," she sighed, and her voice thrilled Dean like the sound of Metallica playing in the Impala. "I cannot bear to be without you. I implore you, let us wed this very day so that our bliss together may last forever."
Dean was seconds from climax, so perhaps he might have been forgiven for not understanding a single word she spoke. "Yeah, anything you say," he whispered.
"You swear that we shall wed?" she asked. And her voice was a bit sharper and harsher, but Dean did not notice. That would have required thought, and right now, he was beyond that.
"Oh yes," he murmured and began driving deeper into her.
"Among my people, an oath taken thrice is binding. Say yet again that we shall wed at sunrise."
Dean was just opening his mouth to moan Yes once more when suddenly the girl screamed. Not a human scream, either. It sounded like the cawing of a thousand crows. Dean blinked, then pulled back in alarm. The sex goddess was gone, and in her place was a bird-headed woman in a feathered robe.
An extremely wet tomato was dripping from her forehead, which was as scorched and scored as if she'd been hit with napalm.
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"Me," said Sam, stepping through the doorway. "Sa-Merlin of Camelot." He stretched a hand out, as if to grasp her. "Afeorsian lýðerful géosceaftgást!"
The bird-woman screamed as fire surrounded her and then vanished.
Dean took several deep breaths and then glared at his brother. "Not. Fair."
"Dean," Sam said, striding across the room and sitting down on the bed, "she was a demon. Someone who really wanted revenge sicced her on Arthur--that's you. The minute you came, she would have enslaved your mind and your sex drive. Then she would have eaten your life at sunrise."
"Yeah, but what a way to go," Dean sighed, and then leaned forward. "So what was that gibberish you were babbling?"
"Old English. I was trying to say something like, 'Go away, vile and doomed spirit,' but I'm not sure I got the grammar right--"
"If you notice, I'm not complaining." Then Dean frowned. "Where'd you get a tomato?"
"Kitchen. But first I took it to the chapel and washed it in holy water."
"Nice touch."
"Thank you."
"Shouldn't that have concluded the episode? Merlin saved Arthur. You saved me. We should be on our way to some other universe, right?"
"Logically." Sam slung one arm over Dean's bare shoulders in a companionable gesture. "Maybe we're just getting a breather."
At that point--Sam would later blame the Narrative Laws of Causality--a lovely and imperious young woman in a green velvet gown walked into Arthur's chamber, followed by a pretty young black woman clad in gold.
"Arthur?" the girl in green velvet was calling. "Arthur, Uther wants to see you in the Great--" Her words trailed off as she turned toward the bed.
The girl in gold stared for a moment and began giggling.
Sam stared back in evident bewilderment.
Dean glared at both girls. "This is not what it looks like."
"Of course not," the girl in green velvet said in a soothing tone. "I'm sure it's quite usual for the Prince of Camelot to be naked in his room in the middle of the day with his manservant's arm wrapped about him. Gwen and I do that all the time."
"Okay," Sam muttered as Gwen smiled happily up at the girl in green. "That's ridiculously hot."
"I was with a woman," Dean insisted. "Really. Well, a woman sex demon, anyway. She wanted me to marry her."
Gwen shook her head. "Again? That's the third time this month! Or is it the fourth?" She turned to the girl in green. "Morgana?"
"Fifth, I think." Morgana tapped one foot thoughtfully. "I had wondered why all the sorceresses, Sidhe, sirens and sex demonesses always have to enchant you to force you to be attracted to them. Now it makes sense."
Gwen turned to Merlin. "Have you kissed him yet?"
Sam gaped. "Wha--?"
"Well, you do keep saving him and Camelot," Morgana pointed out. "Eventually, Arthur's going to have to make an honest man of you. It's not as if there are a lot of princes with male consorts, but there's nothing to say it couldn't happen."
"Besides," Gwen added wistfully, "you are rather sweet together."
The two Winchesters exchanged glances of pure horror.
"Okay," Dean whispered. "This is getting creepy. If you've got any Merlin-ish spells to zap us out of here, use them now."
"I thought you hated me using my powers."
"Sammy," Dean retorted with great restraint, "unless you want to end up married to me in an episode for the November Sweeps, use 'em!"
Sam took a deep breath, nodded, and turned back to the two girls, who, in addition to watching the Winchesters, were now inexplicably sharing a jumbo bucket of popcorn. Lifting one hand, he spoke two words: "Losian áhwǽr!"
***
The sudden disappearance of both Merlin and Arthur was adjudged the best cliffhanger on TV that year.
The screenwriters never figured out who wrote it.
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