Its about Dawsons Creek
Alright, so I finally watched all of Season six that I had bought a while back, which was the final season of that show, and, man. There will never be a show better than that one. Hands down, that is the best show of all time. Sure, Lost may have me tossing my cat off the chair in surprise and yelling "HOLY SHIT!" nineteen times after last weeks episode, but thats suspense. Thats just a sweet show. What about Brian, that show is only a blip on the radar of good shows because of the second most gorgeous woman of all time, Sarah Lancaster (Scarlett Johannsen is #1 by the way). But Dawsons Creek, man, now thats a fuckin show. Wow. A lot of critics said the show sort of fell apart in the end, which I would argue against, but man, did they ever pull it together in the end. No one can dispute that. That is the show that any other romantic/teen/drama show is trying to emulate, and I gotta say, none have even come close. One Tree Hill is a fuckin joke compared to that show. Grey's Anatomy is good, but not THAT good. Its insane how good that show was, and it went out exactly as it should. Never before has there been a more satisfying ending to a movie, show, anything. I can't say enough good stuff about it, and I don't care who wants to make fun of me about it. If you watch all the seasons of that show and don't feel moved just once, well then you apparently are lacking a soul, or a single romantic bone in your body. It was such an amazing show that no other show will ever be able to properly emulate what it did.
And it got me thinking. About MY life in particular, in which, I think that being 25 is actually the third in your life transitions. Some people will be with me on this, some may not be there yet so they can't say for sure, but heres what I think: No one disputes against the first real life transition for a human being is when he/she graduates high school. That summer between graduation and whatever the hell it is you plan to do next, you grow up ALOT, whether you want to or not. You are going to make a decision about what phase of your life will be next, and that shit changes you like not much else does. The second phase comes when you turn 21. No, this isn't because you can drink. It's alot more than that. Its just something that clicks in your head that says "wow, I'm really an adult this time. I've fucked around from 18 to now, but...wow". It can't be explained. You'll just know when you turn 21, or you'll remember what I'm talking about. My argument is that the THIRD phase you go through, is when you turn 25. Maybe because its only 5 years until you are 30, maybe its because you have been out of high school for nearly 10 years (give or take a few, probably take), and you start thinking about what you've done since then. For me, its a hard thing to discuss. But I've been thinking about it alot.
The short answer is, not much. I'm still at the same college I started going to when I was 19, after I had lived in minnesota for about six months or so and realized that surveying for a tryannical boss was not for me. And I'm going to grad school next year. No more dicksmacking around, its going to happen. I'm signing up for the GRE in mid-june when I get paid on friday, and I'm going to send applications to U of M ann arbor and Eastern for sure, and more places after I do research. So yes, the next phase is happening, probably a few years past when the next phase began for everyone else. I'm ok with that. Parents might not, that guy/girl who comments in this and says I'm a loser might not, and my friends might not either, they just don't tell me one way or another (which I appreciate). I might not be a full blown professor, or an editor, which is actually what I REALLY want to do, until I'm 30. Thats fine. But theres always been something missing. And not in the stupid way some people use that saying, I'm using the cliche for a reason this time. It's a girl. It fucking always has been. Dawsons Creek got me thinking about it, because, well, its a romantic show. Started thinking about all the girls. And they mentioned "I wonder how many really good days you get in life, if theres a set number". This was mentioned in the recent best book ever that I read, The Feast of Love, as well. I started thinking, and I think I've gotten about 20. I'd say thats pretty good, thats about one a year or so, and I think if I thought more, I'd have 30. Lets say 25 to be fair, which is my age. One a year is good. But when I counted, almost all of them involved girls. Pretty good to have 20 or so good days (and I'm not talking about a day where you say "That was a nice day", I'm talking about a day when you come home and sit on the couch and flip on the TV, and you shake your head and say "Jesus lord almighty, did that really all just happen to ME? Did I deserve that?!") when you have never had a serious relationship with anyone. And Dawsons Creek is all about that elusive word "soulmate". They define pretty well on that show I think, probably far better than its been done on anything else, and it got me thinking, do I have one of those?
Well, if we go by the number of "good days" because of a girl, then its most certainly Rachael Sargent. Of course it would be. That girl is responsible for nearly half of my "good days". So certainly, shes the soulmate, right?
Well, heres the thing. I don't know if I've met my "soulmate" yet, per se. It isn't Janelle. It isn't Rachel Canaday. It for fucks sake wasn't Kristin. The only candidate for that word WOULD be Rachael Sargent. She shares alot of Joey (played by the once great Katie Holmes, pre Tom Cruise) traits, I share alot of Dawson traits. Unrequited love, of course. Rachael is married to someone who was never really my friend though, so thats different. But theres that thing, that...the only thing I can call it is a "thing", I don't have a better word for it, but theres a thing we have, where we can just pick up where we left off after like, a fucking year. I hadn't really talked to her for close to a year when she started talking to me on this and then on the phone, and now when we talk, its pretty much the same as it has been before. Sure I'm maybe a little more reserved because I don't know if/when shes going to go away again, maybe she won't this time, but the past would tell me otherwise. But still, I'm comfortable with her. I can tell her shit I wouldn't tell my...well I guess I'd pick my grandmother, because my mom sucks. And Rachael knows me better than anyone else too, I don't even need to tell her some things, she just knows already. Thats pretty impressive. I suppose Janelle does too, but I think thats just because Janelle is smart, not because of any particular regard for me as a friend (her being smart is perhaps the main reason for her not holding my friendship in high regard. I'm pretty fucked up). So I suppose the conclusion here that I'm grabbing for is, yes, Rachael IS the soulmate. Soulmate doesn't need to mean that you will end up with this person. I will most certainly not end up with Rachael. Its sort of and sort of NOT like what Pacey said to Joey towards the end "Its ok, you are off the hook. I am fine living my life being in love with you. Thats enough for me". A line that certainly brought tears to my eyes (I can say I cried at the end of Dawsons Creek, no one will read this far down anyways), because yeah, alright, I can get behind that. Am I still in love with Rachael? I don't think so. Can't say for sure, haven't seen her in a year. Maybe I'll get back to you on that on Monday when we go out to dinner with the old crew we used to work with. But I'd still bank on no. So, the conclusion there is, yes, Rachael IS the soulmate, but, life isn't like the movies or like TV shows, although I'd say that Dawsons Creek and the anime His and Her Circumstances got it more right than any other show/movie/anime has done, so no, I don't think I'm in love with her anymore, and I don't know if I ever will be again.
So we come back to my problem, after that long diatribe. Who in the fuck AM I supposed to be in love with? I asked Zack today while we were golfing how old women could be and still have kids. Why? For one reason. Because I want a fuckin daughter someday. Hell, I'd take one right now. I half-considered adopting the fucked up kid thats in the family now, Hailey (who they fucking renamed Sarah, the most common name in America), who is 8 and is giving my idiot stuck up doctor cousins one hell of a time. I want a daughter. I think I could handle it. I think I'd be a good father. But, no girls. None. There isn't a single girl that I know of, that has any remote interest in me. You know why I texted Kristin last night and almost called Brian to bury the hatchet and start talking to both of them again? Because I don't even have a fucking GIRL FRIEND anymore. I'm glad Rachael is back. I MIGHT have one again if her and I actually hang out together, and not just talk on the phone. But Janelle? No. She isn't a girl friend. We talk on the phone sometimes, sure. We see each other at work three/four times a week, but thats it. I can't get her to go to movies with me, we don't hang out outside of work. Thats fine. She is a bit of a recluse when her boyfriend is around, and thats fine. Just, I've always HAD a girlfriend. Kristin was the last one I had. I trust girls more than I do guys, its a simple fact that anyone who knows me can attest to. So yes, I NEED a girlfriend. I'm not using the "girlfriend" word where I mean they stay the night, we do the romantic shit, go on dates, have sex, etc. Just a GIRL, who is a FRIEND. Thats all I'm saying here. I've always HAD that, but I DON'T anymore. So yeah, THATS why I get depressed, why I feel "emo", why I write monster ass long journal entries like this one. I'm missing something, not just the thing I've ALWAYS been missing, which is a girl to have a relationship with, but even a GIRL who is a FRIEND. And that, my friends, sucks. I've thought about handing out applications at school or something, for fucks sake, but I don't know, maybe its my fault.
But I can't say that, because nah, I don't think it is. I'm a good friend to Janelle. She calls me when shes got a problem or a crisis, I give her (what I think to be) fairly good advice about her boyfriend, although that doesn't happen often, because the dude is a good guy. Janelle and Adam, probably best couple I've seen. Hands down. Hes good to her, she deserves him, so good for that. With Kristin? Yeah, my fault. Ok, I take pretty much, lets say, 80% of the responsibility there. I'm a stupid jealous dick with a jealous streak a mile fuckin wide, shit, THREE fuckin miles wide, and when she hooked up with one of my best friends, I wasn't happy like I should've been (Brian is a good guy), because I know he'll be good to her, I fuckin flip out and say its a life changing event. For fucks sake, its NOT. Good for them, I say. Rock on, and I hope you are happy together. BUT THAT SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THE END. So I've tried to fix that, and I'm still working on it. Yes, feeling lonely and left out (got hoed out by FOUR different friends friday night, FOUR dude, FOUR. That has to be some sort of a record) might have had something to do with me contacting them, but it isn't all of it. Alot of it was because, I was wrong. I was a fuckin dick. I wanted to fix it.
But to the point at hand, I NEED a girl friend. If I had one of those, I would once again be content with my status in life, and that is that, I have never once thought I was supposed to have a girlfriend. I've said more than a few times, the big man put me here to make people laugh, and help girls with their problems. I don't think I'm meant for love. Ok, cool. I can take that. IF I have a girl friend, who can help cushion that blow. I don't. I'm working without a net for the past couple of months, and I don't like it anymore.
So there, problem is nailed. And the soulmate issue? Sure, its probably Rachael. And if it is, then thats just proof things don't happen in the movies. Thats fine. I bet none of you knew that I thank god every night, yes EVERY night, 365 days a year, for the friendship I have/had with Rachael. I might have mentioned it in another post, I dunno. But its the truth. EVERY day I say "thanks god, for helping me to have such a great friend as Rachael. She understood me. She was comfortable around me. I'll probably never have anything like that again, but you know what? Thanks for letting me have it for a little while." So yeah, THATS why shes responsible for about 10 or so of those "good days". For the record it would be Ashley:2, Kristin:2, Melissa Kauffman:2 (oh man, 50 points to any friend who remembers me talking about her), Janelle:3, Rachel Canaday:3, Stephanie:4, and Rachael Sargent:10+ (haven't thought of them all). Oh, and Nicole 1, although, since I've only met her that one night, thats sort of a collaboration of just the whole greatness of that night. So yeah, I've had alot of "good days" in my life, not all just because of girls either. I suppose I've lived a fairly good life.
So the short answer all the way back up there was, not much. The long answer is that. I guess I've done alright. I just NEED that girl in my life. Not a girlfriend, to have a relationship with, that will come, maybe. Just a girl, that I can call up to talk to anytime, and that I can HANG OUT WITH. I only hang out with guys anymore. Thats ok, sure, I got alot of good guy friends. But I don't trust them like girls, and that means Jason bottles alot of stuff up. Thats not so good. So alright, I think thats all the thoughts I have for now. And I'm pretty sure this is the longest thing I've written in quite a while. Even longer than my 15 page paper I did on the Beatles about a month ago.
And it got me thinking. About MY life in particular, in which, I think that being 25 is actually the third in your life transitions. Some people will be with me on this, some may not be there yet so they can't say for sure, but heres what I think: No one disputes against the first real life transition for a human being is when he/she graduates high school. That summer between graduation and whatever the hell it is you plan to do next, you grow up ALOT, whether you want to or not. You are going to make a decision about what phase of your life will be next, and that shit changes you like not much else does. The second phase comes when you turn 21. No, this isn't because you can drink. It's alot more than that. Its just something that clicks in your head that says "wow, I'm really an adult this time. I've fucked around from 18 to now, but...wow". It can't be explained. You'll just know when you turn 21, or you'll remember what I'm talking about. My argument is that the THIRD phase you go through, is when you turn 25. Maybe because its only 5 years until you are 30, maybe its because you have been out of high school for nearly 10 years (give or take a few, probably take), and you start thinking about what you've done since then. For me, its a hard thing to discuss. But I've been thinking about it alot.
The short answer is, not much. I'm still at the same college I started going to when I was 19, after I had lived in minnesota for about six months or so and realized that surveying for a tryannical boss was not for me. And I'm going to grad school next year. No more dicksmacking around, its going to happen. I'm signing up for the GRE in mid-june when I get paid on friday, and I'm going to send applications to U of M ann arbor and Eastern for sure, and more places after I do research. So yes, the next phase is happening, probably a few years past when the next phase began for everyone else. I'm ok with that. Parents might not, that guy/girl who comments in this and says I'm a loser might not, and my friends might not either, they just don't tell me one way or another (which I appreciate). I might not be a full blown professor, or an editor, which is actually what I REALLY want to do, until I'm 30. Thats fine. But theres always been something missing. And not in the stupid way some people use that saying, I'm using the cliche for a reason this time. It's a girl. It fucking always has been. Dawsons Creek got me thinking about it, because, well, its a romantic show. Started thinking about all the girls. And they mentioned "I wonder how many really good days you get in life, if theres a set number". This was mentioned in the recent best book ever that I read, The Feast of Love, as well. I started thinking, and I think I've gotten about 20. I'd say thats pretty good, thats about one a year or so, and I think if I thought more, I'd have 30. Lets say 25 to be fair, which is my age. One a year is good. But when I counted, almost all of them involved girls. Pretty good to have 20 or so good days (and I'm not talking about a day where you say "That was a nice day", I'm talking about a day when you come home and sit on the couch and flip on the TV, and you shake your head and say "Jesus lord almighty, did that really all just happen to ME? Did I deserve that?!") when you have never had a serious relationship with anyone. And Dawsons Creek is all about that elusive word "soulmate". They define pretty well on that show I think, probably far better than its been done on anything else, and it got me thinking, do I have one of those?
Well, if we go by the number of "good days" because of a girl, then its most certainly Rachael Sargent. Of course it would be. That girl is responsible for nearly half of my "good days". So certainly, shes the soulmate, right?
Well, heres the thing. I don't know if I've met my "soulmate" yet, per se. It isn't Janelle. It isn't Rachel Canaday. It for fucks sake wasn't Kristin. The only candidate for that word WOULD be Rachael Sargent. She shares alot of Joey (played by the once great Katie Holmes, pre Tom Cruise) traits, I share alot of Dawson traits. Unrequited love, of course. Rachael is married to someone who was never really my friend though, so thats different. But theres that thing, that...the only thing I can call it is a "thing", I don't have a better word for it, but theres a thing we have, where we can just pick up where we left off after like, a fucking year. I hadn't really talked to her for close to a year when she started talking to me on this and then on the phone, and now when we talk, its pretty much the same as it has been before. Sure I'm maybe a little more reserved because I don't know if/when shes going to go away again, maybe she won't this time, but the past would tell me otherwise. But still, I'm comfortable with her. I can tell her shit I wouldn't tell my...well I guess I'd pick my grandmother, because my mom sucks. And Rachael knows me better than anyone else too, I don't even need to tell her some things, she just knows already. Thats pretty impressive. I suppose Janelle does too, but I think thats just because Janelle is smart, not because of any particular regard for me as a friend (her being smart is perhaps the main reason for her not holding my friendship in high regard. I'm pretty fucked up). So I suppose the conclusion here that I'm grabbing for is, yes, Rachael IS the soulmate. Soulmate doesn't need to mean that you will end up with this person. I will most certainly not end up with Rachael. Its sort of and sort of NOT like what Pacey said to Joey towards the end "Its ok, you are off the hook. I am fine living my life being in love with you. Thats enough for me". A line that certainly brought tears to my eyes (I can say I cried at the end of Dawsons Creek, no one will read this far down anyways), because yeah, alright, I can get behind that. Am I still in love with Rachael? I don't think so. Can't say for sure, haven't seen her in a year. Maybe I'll get back to you on that on Monday when we go out to dinner with the old crew we used to work with. But I'd still bank on no. So, the conclusion there is, yes, Rachael IS the soulmate, but, life isn't like the movies or like TV shows, although I'd say that Dawsons Creek and the anime His and Her Circumstances got it more right than any other show/movie/anime has done, so no, I don't think I'm in love with her anymore, and I don't know if I ever will be again.
So we come back to my problem, after that long diatribe. Who in the fuck AM I supposed to be in love with? I asked Zack today while we were golfing how old women could be and still have kids. Why? For one reason. Because I want a fuckin daughter someday. Hell, I'd take one right now. I half-considered adopting the fucked up kid thats in the family now, Hailey (who they fucking renamed Sarah, the most common name in America), who is 8 and is giving my idiot stuck up doctor cousins one hell of a time. I want a daughter. I think I could handle it. I think I'd be a good father. But, no girls. None. There isn't a single girl that I know of, that has any remote interest in me. You know why I texted Kristin last night and almost called Brian to bury the hatchet and start talking to both of them again? Because I don't even have a fucking GIRL FRIEND anymore. I'm glad Rachael is back. I MIGHT have one again if her and I actually hang out together, and not just talk on the phone. But Janelle? No. She isn't a girl friend. We talk on the phone sometimes, sure. We see each other at work three/four times a week, but thats it. I can't get her to go to movies with me, we don't hang out outside of work. Thats fine. She is a bit of a recluse when her boyfriend is around, and thats fine. Just, I've always HAD a girlfriend. Kristin was the last one I had. I trust girls more than I do guys, its a simple fact that anyone who knows me can attest to. So yes, I NEED a girlfriend. I'm not using the "girlfriend" word where I mean they stay the night, we do the romantic shit, go on dates, have sex, etc. Just a GIRL, who is a FRIEND. Thats all I'm saying here. I've always HAD that, but I DON'T anymore. So yeah, THATS why I get depressed, why I feel "emo", why I write monster ass long journal entries like this one. I'm missing something, not just the thing I've ALWAYS been missing, which is a girl to have a relationship with, but even a GIRL who is a FRIEND. And that, my friends, sucks. I've thought about handing out applications at school or something, for fucks sake, but I don't know, maybe its my fault.
But I can't say that, because nah, I don't think it is. I'm a good friend to Janelle. She calls me when shes got a problem or a crisis, I give her (what I think to be) fairly good advice about her boyfriend, although that doesn't happen often, because the dude is a good guy. Janelle and Adam, probably best couple I've seen. Hands down. Hes good to her, she deserves him, so good for that. With Kristin? Yeah, my fault. Ok, I take pretty much, lets say, 80% of the responsibility there. I'm a stupid jealous dick with a jealous streak a mile fuckin wide, shit, THREE fuckin miles wide, and when she hooked up with one of my best friends, I wasn't happy like I should've been (Brian is a good guy), because I know he'll be good to her, I fuckin flip out and say its a life changing event. For fucks sake, its NOT. Good for them, I say. Rock on, and I hope you are happy together. BUT THAT SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THE END. So I've tried to fix that, and I'm still working on it. Yes, feeling lonely and left out (got hoed out by FOUR different friends friday night, FOUR dude, FOUR. That has to be some sort of a record) might have had something to do with me contacting them, but it isn't all of it. Alot of it was because, I was wrong. I was a fuckin dick. I wanted to fix it.
But to the point at hand, I NEED a girl friend. If I had one of those, I would once again be content with my status in life, and that is that, I have never once thought I was supposed to have a girlfriend. I've said more than a few times, the big man put me here to make people laugh, and help girls with their problems. I don't think I'm meant for love. Ok, cool. I can take that. IF I have a girl friend, who can help cushion that blow. I don't. I'm working without a net for the past couple of months, and I don't like it anymore.
So there, problem is nailed. And the soulmate issue? Sure, its probably Rachael. And if it is, then thats just proof things don't happen in the movies. Thats fine. I bet none of you knew that I thank god every night, yes EVERY night, 365 days a year, for the friendship I have/had with Rachael. I might have mentioned it in another post, I dunno. But its the truth. EVERY day I say "thanks god, for helping me to have such a great friend as Rachael. She understood me. She was comfortable around me. I'll probably never have anything like that again, but you know what? Thanks for letting me have it for a little while." So yeah, THATS why shes responsible for about 10 or so of those "good days". For the record it would be Ashley:2, Kristin:2, Melissa Kauffman:2 (oh man, 50 points to any friend who remembers me talking about her), Janelle:3, Rachel Canaday:3, Stephanie:4, and Rachael Sargent:10+ (haven't thought of them all). Oh, and Nicole 1, although, since I've only met her that one night, thats sort of a collaboration of just the whole greatness of that night. So yeah, I've had alot of "good days" in my life, not all just because of girls either. I suppose I've lived a fairly good life.
So the short answer all the way back up there was, not much. The long answer is that. I guess I've done alright. I just NEED that girl in my life. Not a girlfriend, to have a relationship with, that will come, maybe. Just a girl, that I can call up to talk to anytime, and that I can HANG OUT WITH. I only hang out with guys anymore. Thats ok, sure, I got alot of good guy friends. But I don't trust them like girls, and that means Jason bottles alot of stuff up. Thats not so good. So alright, I think thats all the thoughts I have for now. And I'm pretty sure this is the longest thing I've written in quite a while. Even longer than my 15 page paper I did on the Beatles about a month ago.