The Invasion of the Virgins
And now folks, another thrilling episode from that not-too-well-buried file of scripts that got away,
The Shows We Never Got To See...
THE INVASION OF THE VIRGINS
by Atlanta Lea (c. 1985)
The first one appeared near the statue of Eros in Picadilly Circus, her flowing robes and flowing hair wafting in the gentle breeze. One moment she wasn't there and the next she was, and the motorist who almost ran her over leaned out his window to yell, "Watch where yer bloody going, nitwit!" The next minute he was swerving frantically to avoid the curvetting creature that blinked into existence on his bonnet, tossing its horned head in the air. The motorist crashed into a bus full of Japanese tourists, and even as the flashbulbs went off another virgin appeared in Westminister Abbey. And another, and yet another, and... and... and...
A melange of cacophonous sounds filled UNIT HQ, rather like the Asthmatics' Convention on their morning stroll. A battered blue police box materialised unnervingly out of thin air. "I say, he's here, sir," Lt. Sullivan announced unnecessarily. As the Brigadier looked up from the map he was consulting with the warrant officer, a tall, curly-haired man stepped out of the odd contraption, trailing a multi-coloured seventeen-foot scarf and clutching a towel around his waist.
"You'd better have a good reason for this, Brigadier!" the Doctor announced by way of greeting. "I was in the middle of my bath. Why do Time-Space Telegraphs always ring while one is in one's bath?"
"Because you've been in it for two days," answered the dark-haired girl who stepped out behind him. "And it's a jolly good thing there's more than one loo on the TARDIS, let me tell you..."
"Never mind that, Sarah. What did you call me for, Brigadier?"
"We have an emergency here, Doctor. A terrible crisis. There are virgins all over Trafalgar Square!"
"What's so unusual about that? If you'd said Soho, now -“
"Be serious, Doctor!"
"I can't imagine why you'd need me, Brigadier. You must have taken care of a few virgins in your time."
"This isn't a few, Doctor," snapped the Brigadier. "It's several hundred of them. They started popping up out of nowhere, right in the middle of London. I've had to call in the RAF and the Army..."
"I'm sure they'll be more than glad to help."
"If you'd just listen for a minute, Doctor! The problem isn't the virgins, it's those damned unicorns that keep following them. Traffic was at a standstill! We had to evacuate Westminister."
"Unicorns?" the Doctor repeated. "Why didn't you say so, man?" He dove back into the TARDIS for his hat and set it at a jaunty angle. "What are we waiting for? Come along, Brigadier."
"Aren't you even going to get dressed, Doctor? Doctor?" Sarah demanded, but he was already out the door.
"Good job it's a big towel," Lt. Sullivan observed.
"Oh, shut up, Harry! Wait for me!"
Even the Doctor wasn't prepared for the sight that met them at Trafalgar Square. Cordoned off by the Army patrols, the virgins clustered in the square, their white robes fluttering and their starry eyes somewhat puzzled. And there were unicorns everywhere, frolicking gaily. They pranced around Nelson's Column in a game of ring-a-rosy. They paddled in the fountains and played leapfrog on the courtyard stairs. Their spiraled horns and their dainty hooves flashed silver as they danced on the heads of the great bronze lions.
"Yes, you do have a bit of a problem, Brigadier," the Doctor acknowledged, eyeing the flowing locks of the virgin nearest to them.
"The P.M. is going crackers. We've herded all of them in here. I have patrols searching for any new ones, but it's been about an hour since any more appeared."
"They must have run out of virgins."
"Who? Where?"
"Wherever they're coming from, obviously. This is a Time Warp."
"It always is," said Benton in resignation.
"That's all very well, but what do I do about it, Doctor?"
"Let me think," said the Doctor, going into what looked like a vertical catnap.
"Let you what?"
"Let him think," said Sarah Jane. "He likes to fancy he's the only one who can."
The Doctor's eyes popped open. "There's only one solution," he declared, ogling another white robe as it fluttered past. "The unicorns came here following the virgins, right? I'm always right. Ergo, if you get rid of the virgins you'll get rid of the unicorns. Brilliant, what?" he beamed at his audience. "Well, don't everybody clap at once."
"The P.M.'s not going to like it if I blow up Trafalgar Square, Doctor."
"Have I already said 'Military Intelligence is a contradiction in terms'? No, no, no. There's a much simpler way to deal with virgins, Brigadier."
"You don't mean-" Benton said.
"Indeed I do."
"All of them?" Lt. Sullivan asked.
"Every one, Harry. There can't be a virgin left in London if this terrible crisis is to be averted."
"Wow! I mean, aye aye, Doctor."
"I, of course, will do my share," the Doctor said magnanimously. "It's a difficult and dangerous task, but I'm always willing to do my best for Earth. It may be irrational of me, but humans are quite my favourite species. Quite my favourite," he repeated, leering at the expanse of calf displayed as another of the virgins rode past on a unicorn. "Brigadier?"
"I never send my men into anything that I wouldn't do myself, Doctor. Get the troops into position, Mr. Benton."
"Yes, sir."
"Now, wait just a bloomin' minute!" Sarah Jane protested. "Of all the chauvinistic plots I've had to put up with on this show, this takes the cake. Are you really going to go through with this idiotic idea, Doctor?"
"Anything for Earth, Sarah," the Doctor declared, and dropped his towel.
"It's our duty," said the Brigadier, reaching for his zipper.
"Come on, lads!" Benton ordered. UNIT flung themselves into the fray with patriotic enthusiasm. Anything to save London.
"You couldn't get away with this script in America!" Sarah Jane objected loudly.
"They wouldn't have this problem in America, old girl," Harry pointed out.
"Twit!" Sarah said. "Will someone get this damned unicorn out of here? It keeps snorting down my neck!"
But no one paid the least bit of attention to her. The battle raged throughout the Square. As ex-virgins scrambled to their feet, the bewildered unicorns clustered about the remaining virgins, milling anxiously. One of them gored an expendable private. Several more of the soldiers collapsed in exhaustion. Sarah Jane had four or five of the unicorns trailing her now, ignoring her frantic shooing.
"Sir, the men are weakening!" Benton gasped. He had a bruise on his face from getting it slapped so often.
"Tell them to stick at it, Mr. Benton. Stiff upper lip and all that."
"Yes, sir," saluted his second-in-command, staggering back to his battle post. "Just a few more, lads!"
"That's the last of them, Doctor," the Brigadier puffed at last.
"Good," panted the Doctor, dragging himself to his feet. "I'm getting too old for this. Two hundred years ago I could have handled the whole lot by myself."
"Yes, well there are still unicorns all over the Square, Doctor! Now what do we do?"
"I don't understand it. It should have worked. Ah, there's your problem, Brigadier."
"Help, Doctor!" Sarah Jane screeched from the base of Nelson's Column where she had climbed to escape the crowding unicorns.
"Go give her a hand, will you, Harry?"
"Aye aye, Doctor," Sullivan croaked cheerfully. "Hang on, old girl!" He plowed through the mass of mythical beasts to help her down.
"Well, don't just stand there, nincompoop! Do something - What do you think you're doing!?"
"Doctor's orders, old girl."
"Now, wait just a minute! What in - oh!" Sarah said. A few of the unicorns vanished with an odd, popping noise. "Oh?" said Sarah. A few more disappeared. "Oh-h-h," she said. With a noise like Guy Fawkes Day and a final flash of silver horns in the sunlight the unicorns winked out of sight.
"There, you are, Brigadier. They went back through the Time Warp."
"Thank God for that, at any rate. What if this happens again?"
"At least you know the cure. Now I really must be off. Coming, Sarah Jane? Sarah?.... She does seem to be. Oh, well." The Doctor flung his scarf jauntily over his shoulder and tottered into the TARDIS. "I can't hang around here. Places to go. Things to do. I'm a busy man."
The familiar groans and whines began to fill the air. "Hang on a minute!" the Brigadier protested. "It's all very well about the unicorns, Doctor - " The police box faded and he found himself addressing the empty air. "- Doctor! What am I supposed to do with all these girls?"
The Shows We Never Got To See...
THE INVASION OF THE VIRGINS
by Atlanta Lea (c. 1985)
The first one appeared near the statue of Eros in Picadilly Circus, her flowing robes and flowing hair wafting in the gentle breeze. One moment she wasn't there and the next she was, and the motorist who almost ran her over leaned out his window to yell, "Watch where yer bloody going, nitwit!" The next minute he was swerving frantically to avoid the curvetting creature that blinked into existence on his bonnet, tossing its horned head in the air. The motorist crashed into a bus full of Japanese tourists, and even as the flashbulbs went off another virgin appeared in Westminister Abbey. And another, and yet another, and... and... and...
A melange of cacophonous sounds filled UNIT HQ, rather like the Asthmatics' Convention on their morning stroll. A battered blue police box materialised unnervingly out of thin air. "I say, he's here, sir," Lt. Sullivan announced unnecessarily. As the Brigadier looked up from the map he was consulting with the warrant officer, a tall, curly-haired man stepped out of the odd contraption, trailing a multi-coloured seventeen-foot scarf and clutching a towel around his waist.
"You'd better have a good reason for this, Brigadier!" the Doctor announced by way of greeting. "I was in the middle of my bath. Why do Time-Space Telegraphs always ring while one is in one's bath?"
"Because you've been in it for two days," answered the dark-haired girl who stepped out behind him. "And it's a jolly good thing there's more than one loo on the TARDIS, let me tell you..."
"Never mind that, Sarah. What did you call me for, Brigadier?"
"We have an emergency here, Doctor. A terrible crisis. There are virgins all over Trafalgar Square!"
"What's so unusual about that? If you'd said Soho, now -“
"Be serious, Doctor!"
"I can't imagine why you'd need me, Brigadier. You must have taken care of a few virgins in your time."
"This isn't a few, Doctor," snapped the Brigadier. "It's several hundred of them. They started popping up out of nowhere, right in the middle of London. I've had to call in the RAF and the Army..."
"I'm sure they'll be more than glad to help."
"If you'd just listen for a minute, Doctor! The problem isn't the virgins, it's those damned unicorns that keep following them. Traffic was at a standstill! We had to evacuate Westminister."
"Unicorns?" the Doctor repeated. "Why didn't you say so, man?" He dove back into the TARDIS for his hat and set it at a jaunty angle. "What are we waiting for? Come along, Brigadier."
"Aren't you even going to get dressed, Doctor? Doctor?" Sarah demanded, but he was already out the door.
"Good job it's a big towel," Lt. Sullivan observed.
"Oh, shut up, Harry! Wait for me!"
Even the Doctor wasn't prepared for the sight that met them at Trafalgar Square. Cordoned off by the Army patrols, the virgins clustered in the square, their white robes fluttering and their starry eyes somewhat puzzled. And there were unicorns everywhere, frolicking gaily. They pranced around Nelson's Column in a game of ring-a-rosy. They paddled in the fountains and played leapfrog on the courtyard stairs. Their spiraled horns and their dainty hooves flashed silver as they danced on the heads of the great bronze lions.
"Yes, you do have a bit of a problem, Brigadier," the Doctor acknowledged, eyeing the flowing locks of the virgin nearest to them.
"The P.M. is going crackers. We've herded all of them in here. I have patrols searching for any new ones, but it's been about an hour since any more appeared."
"They must have run out of virgins."
"Who? Where?"
"Wherever they're coming from, obviously. This is a Time Warp."
"It always is," said Benton in resignation.
"That's all very well, but what do I do about it, Doctor?"
"Let me think," said the Doctor, going into what looked like a vertical catnap.
"Let you what?"
"Let him think," said Sarah Jane. "He likes to fancy he's the only one who can."
The Doctor's eyes popped open. "There's only one solution," he declared, ogling another white robe as it fluttered past. "The unicorns came here following the virgins, right? I'm always right. Ergo, if you get rid of the virgins you'll get rid of the unicorns. Brilliant, what?" he beamed at his audience. "Well, don't everybody clap at once."
"The P.M.'s not going to like it if I blow up Trafalgar Square, Doctor."
"Have I already said 'Military Intelligence is a contradiction in terms'? No, no, no. There's a much simpler way to deal with virgins, Brigadier."
"You don't mean-" Benton said.
"Indeed I do."
"All of them?" Lt. Sullivan asked.
"Every one, Harry. There can't be a virgin left in London if this terrible crisis is to be averted."
"Wow! I mean, aye aye, Doctor."
"I, of course, will do my share," the Doctor said magnanimously. "It's a difficult and dangerous task, but I'm always willing to do my best for Earth. It may be irrational of me, but humans are quite my favourite species. Quite my favourite," he repeated, leering at the expanse of calf displayed as another of the virgins rode past on a unicorn. "Brigadier?"
"I never send my men into anything that I wouldn't do myself, Doctor. Get the troops into position, Mr. Benton."
"Yes, sir."
"Now, wait just a bloomin' minute!" Sarah Jane protested. "Of all the chauvinistic plots I've had to put up with on this show, this takes the cake. Are you really going to go through with this idiotic idea, Doctor?"
"Anything for Earth, Sarah," the Doctor declared, and dropped his towel.
"It's our duty," said the Brigadier, reaching for his zipper.
"Come on, lads!" Benton ordered. UNIT flung themselves into the fray with patriotic enthusiasm. Anything to save London.
"You couldn't get away with this script in America!" Sarah Jane objected loudly.
"They wouldn't have this problem in America, old girl," Harry pointed out.
"Twit!" Sarah said. "Will someone get this damned unicorn out of here? It keeps snorting down my neck!"
But no one paid the least bit of attention to her. The battle raged throughout the Square. As ex-virgins scrambled to their feet, the bewildered unicorns clustered about the remaining virgins, milling anxiously. One of them gored an expendable private. Several more of the soldiers collapsed in exhaustion. Sarah Jane had four or five of the unicorns trailing her now, ignoring her frantic shooing.
"Sir, the men are weakening!" Benton gasped. He had a bruise on his face from getting it slapped so often.
"Tell them to stick at it, Mr. Benton. Stiff upper lip and all that."
"Yes, sir," saluted his second-in-command, staggering back to his battle post. "Just a few more, lads!"
"That's the last of them, Doctor," the Brigadier puffed at last.
"Good," panted the Doctor, dragging himself to his feet. "I'm getting too old for this. Two hundred years ago I could have handled the whole lot by myself."
"Yes, well there are still unicorns all over the Square, Doctor! Now what do we do?"
"I don't understand it. It should have worked. Ah, there's your problem, Brigadier."
"Help, Doctor!" Sarah Jane screeched from the base of Nelson's Column where she had climbed to escape the crowding unicorns.
"Go give her a hand, will you, Harry?"
"Aye aye, Doctor," Sullivan croaked cheerfully. "Hang on, old girl!" He plowed through the mass of mythical beasts to help her down.
"Well, don't just stand there, nincompoop! Do something - What do you think you're doing!?"
"Doctor's orders, old girl."
"Now, wait just a minute! What in - oh!" Sarah said. A few of the unicorns vanished with an odd, popping noise. "Oh?" said Sarah. A few more disappeared. "Oh-h-h," she said. With a noise like Guy Fawkes Day and a final flash of silver horns in the sunlight the unicorns winked out of sight.
"There, you are, Brigadier. They went back through the Time Warp."
"Thank God for that, at any rate. What if this happens again?"
"At least you know the cure. Now I really must be off. Coming, Sarah Jane? Sarah?.... She does seem to be. Oh, well." The Doctor flung his scarf jauntily over his shoulder and tottered into the TARDIS. "I can't hang around here. Places to go. Things to do. I'm a busy man."
The familiar groans and whines began to fill the air. "Hang on a minute!" the Brigadier protested. "It's all very well about the unicorns, Doctor - " The police box faded and he found himself addressing the empty air. "- Doctor! What am I supposed to do with all these girls?"