Some Infinities Are Bigger Than Other Infinities
If I can pinpoint the exact moment when I knew, I would take you to the parking lot of Deco Productions. I left working alongside you for this terrible position I thought would fill a void. This creative outlet never became evinced. You were what I needed, and it became so clear when all I wanted was for you to take me away, even if for just that tiny hour in the vast scheme of our time apart. Even then I couldn't admit it. No. The comfort I felt in knowing you drove around mindlessly through your familiar neighborhood showed me you couldn't ever be foolish to me. You filled my void that day, being lost, being you. It's become a certain torturous routine to think of you now. My biggest and most evident mistake was never telling you. The child in me, full of hope, told me to when it was entirely and painfully late to do so. I cannot shake how angry I am at you while loving you with my entire heart. It's out of our character to not be together now. It would be my utmost pleasure to see you again, every day, peeking over my cubicle. Jim, Dave, Doodle, I'm so entirely sorry I did not allow for us to be such. Us. My best friend and my love. Here I am, drawing you and hoping you'd pop out of this entry if I put enough of my heart into it. I sometimes wish I'd ask for a sweater of yours, and kept it. You are so far, I feel as if I'm writing about a fictioonal character I dreamed about. The gifts you gave me create a sheen over my eyes. I'm so upset I didn't kiss you for them. The sweetest poison that I think of now is your kiss. I'd engage in it and never let go, but how can I? You have given your heart to another. When I think about goals, dreams, aspirations, somehow I can't think of aspiring them without having love like yours in my heart. It's a peace that has been taken away, or rather that I gave away. Nothing can make me feel fulfilled like you. My dream job became nothing when you weren't there. My days became darker. It wasn't your absence. It was the light you had filled my life with that I hadn't noticed without it. Your presence in my life, the way it is now, is what shows me that while life is abundant and beautiful, it cannot compare to the portrait dripping inside of me. You filled me, not my surroundings, with color. I wish you so much beauty and life. It is rightfully yours. But, on the the other side of that token, I do believe in my heart of hearts that you will not have it all if you and I never become we. I'm not holding pride, I am more aware of your love for me now that I can separate myself and see that we fit into this map better than with the person you are now residing your heart in. Perhaps it would be too perfect. I cannot say. I simply must tell you that not only do I love you; but I did. I wish I had seen it and said it sooner.