Longbourn, Friday Morning
t was very good indeed to be home once more, Miss Elizabeth Bennet thought, for home had some incomparable things which Fandom simply could not replace, such as her dear Father and her beloved Jane. As for the rest of her family, they were largely as they always had been. Mary was as sour as ever, Mama's nerves as brittle, and Lydia and Kitty just as intent on making fools of themselves over the local regiment. Lizzy had a stirring unease over that final matter; although her father insisted that all would be well, and Lydia and Kitty would mature and learn to compose themselves more properly, she feared that they would do irreparable damage to their own reputations before such could be accomplished.
However, there was no sense in worrying about such things, so Lizzy tried her very best not to entertain those thoughts. Instead, her visit was consumed with balls and conversations and afternoon tea. Her time at home might have passed happily in that manner if it were not for their erstwhile houseguest.
Mr. Collins was a rector in Kent, and a distant relative of Mr. Bennet's. As Longbourn, the Bennet estate, was entailed away from the female line, and as Mr. Bennet had had no son, the house and its grounds would fall to Mr. Collins when Mr. Bennet passed on.
Mr. Bennet had visited once before, and had earned the dislike of all of the Bennet household save one; Mrs. Bennet hoped rather fervently that his hints about making restitution to her daughters might lead to his offering for one of their hands, and had encouraged his thoughts in that direction. Mrs. Bennet wished for nothing in the world save the marriage of her five daughters, and for one to marry Mr. Collins would be a singular stroke of luck, as it would mean that she could stay at Longbourn all of her days!
This plan might, perhaps, have been more agreeable to her daughters if Mr. Collins were not a pompous, vain, silly sort of man.
Elizabeth
Elizabeth Bennet, for her part, was not thinking particularly of Mr. Collins at the moment. She was instead discussing last evening's ball with her younger sister, Kitty. Though the conversation did seem to wander that direction, for he had claimed the first two dances with Elizabeth, to her dismay, and had insisted on dancing with each of the the sisters in turn.
Kitty
"Mr. Collins trod on my frock and tore it, you know," Kitty sighed.
Elizabeth
"As Mr. Collins is wont to do," Lizzy remarked, eyes dancing. "Though a torn flounce is relatively easy to mend, if --"
And that is where they were somewhat unceremoniously interrupted.
Mrs. Bennet
"Lizzy, my dear!" called their eccentric Mama. She rounded the corner, speaking in a lower voice to the accompanying gentleman. "Oh, Mr. Collins. I am sure there can be no objections."
Elizabeth
Oh, no. Lizzy turned on her heel and made a hasty retreat.
"Kitty, don't leave me," she begged.
Kitty
"Why, what's the matter?" Kitty asked, following with a curious glance. "It's only Mr. Collins."
Elizabeth
Kitty was apparently unaware of Mr. Collins' intentions, towards the Bennet girls, and Elizabeth in particular. Lizzy, however, was not.
She scarce had time to explain before their mother had entered the room, with the gentleman in question.
Mrs. Bennet
"Come, Kitty, I want you upstairs," she announced, eyes glowing with triumph. "Mr. Collins has Something to Say to Lizzy."
The capital letters were audible, and the meaning unmistakeable.
More so considering the man's simpering smile, over her mother's shoulder.
Elizabeth
Lizzy smiled as sweetly as possible to her mother and would-be suitor. "Dear Mama, don't go," she said lightly. "Mr. Collins must excuse me, he can have nothing to say that anyone could not hear."
That accomplished, she moved towards the doorway. If his intentions were clear, then hers could be no less so, now.
Mrs. Bennet
Her mother stepped between herself and freedom. "Lizzy," she said harshly. "I insist that you stay where you are and hear Mr. Collins."
As she turned to her younger daughter, her voice was once more angelic. "Come, Kitty, come along."
She ushered the perplexed young girl out of the room, shutting the door behind her and feeling very well-pleased with the morning's events.
Elizabeth
How very awkward. She gave Mr. Collins a sympathetic smile, hoping that he would perhaps be sensible to her objections and make his excuses.
Mr. Collins
"Believe me, my dear Miss Elizabeth, that your modesty adds to your other perfections," he said coyly. "But allow me to assure you that I have your respected mother's permission for this address."
Elizabeth
Indeed. He remained as tone-deaf to sensibility as always. Perhaps it was better to have this over with, then, as quickly as possible. She smiled demurely and began fussing with a vase as he continued.
Mr. Collins
"But you can hardly doubt the object of my discourse, however your feminine delicacy may lead you to dissemble," he announced. "My attentions have been too marked to be mistaken. For as -- almost as soon as I entered the house, I singled you out as the companion of my future life."
Elizabeth
How kind of him to be accurate, in his proposal. Almost as soon. When he had first arrived, he had decided to be smitten with Jane, as she was both eldest and prettiest. Mrs. Bennet had suspected his attachment, and spoken at length of the happiness she would soon have when Mr. Bingley offered for dearest Jane's hand. It was then that Mr. Collins had instead begun paying his addresses towards her.
Mr. Collins
"But before I am run away by my feelings on this subject," he continued -- to Lizzy's considerable relief -- "perhaps it would be advisable for me to state ..."
And here it was that he drew himself up. "My reasons for marrying."
Elizabeth
He sounded as though he was giving a very important presentation, and would soon resort to visual aids. Charts and graphs, perhaps, with labels and percentages. The preposterous image was not helping Elizabeth in her goal to not torment the poor man by laughing in his face while he proposed marriage.
"Mr. Collins --" she tried, but he cleared his throat and held up a hand. He would not be deterred.
Very well. She would take a seat.
Mr. Collins
"My reasons for marrying," he repeated, placing his hands on the back of a chair, "are, first: that I think it a right thing for every clergyman to set the example of matrimony in his parish. Secondly, that I am convinced it will add very greatly to my happiness. And thirdly, which perhaps I should have mentioned first: that it is the particular advice and recommendation of the very noble lady whom I have the honour of calling patroness, Lady Catherine de Bourgh."
Elizabeth
Lizzy had moved from biting the inside of her cheek to surpress her laughter to raising her eyebrows intently, that she might look interested. She had to pray that he would not dwell on this subject overly long; Mr. Collins's rhapsodies towards Lady Catherine had an unfortunate tendency in that direction.
Mr. Collins
Mr. Collins had not noticed Lizzy's discomfort, moved as he was by the subject of his patroness.
"'Mr. Collins,' she said, 'you must marry. Choose properly,' she said. 'Choose a gentlewoman for my sake, and for your own, let her be an active useful sort of person - not brought up too high, but able to make a small income go a good way. This is my advice. Find such a woman as soon as you can, bring her to Hunsford, and I will visit her.'"
Elizabeth
Elizabeth smiled pleasantly, attempting to seem duly impressed by the news that Lady Catherine would deign to accept into her parlor whatever creature her pastor married.
It did not escape Elizabeth that Lady Catherine would hardly have anticipated Mr. Collins reciting her expectations to his intended. Unless, perhaps, Lady Catherine thought as highly of herself as Mr. Collins thought of her?
Mr. Collins
"You will find her manners beyond anything I can describe, and your wit and vivacity, I think, must be acceptable to her, when tempered with the silence and respect which her rank will, inevitably, excite."
Mr. Collins moved away from the chair he was leaning against, and seemed to lose his place for a moment. "Yes," he said, smiling at her again in that rather simpering way of his. "So much for my general intention in favour of matrimony; now, as to my particular choice."
Elizabeth
Elizabeth felt that perhaps he intended that piercing glare to move her, with the power of his emotions. It only caused her to bite the inside of her cheek once more.
Mr. Collins
"My dear cousin," he exhaled. "Being, as I am, to inherit all this estate after the death of your honoured father, I could not satisfy myself without resolving to choose a wife from among his daughters."
"And now." He strode towards her, kneeling next to her chair and reaching as if to take her hands in his. "Nothing remains but to assure you, in the most animated language, of the violence of my affection."
Elizabeth
"Mr. Collins, please," she insisted, pulling her hands back sharply. She hated that she had been so near to laughter, as she did feel pity for him, but her patience was wearing thin.
Mr. Collins
He held his hands up and lowered his voice. "To fortune, I am perfectly indifferent. I am well aware that one thousand pounds in the four percents is all you may ever be entitled to. But rest assured, I shall never reproach on that score when we are married."
Elizabeth
There went the last of her sympathy, as he rudely announced that he would never be cross with her for having such a small dowry. How kindly of him. To think, that he called himself a gentleman!
"You are too hasty, sir. You forget that I have made no answer. Let me do so now." She drew a deep breath and kept her temper in check. "I thank you for your compliments. I am very sensible of the honour of your proposals, but it is impossible for me to do otherwise than decline them."
No lady would be as ungracious as he had just been; moreover, he would be the owner of Longbourn after her father's untimely death, and antagonizing such a gentleman was not in anyone's best interest, lest he throw them out onto the street.
Mr. Collins
Mr. Collins's eyes widened; it had seemed that he had not so much as considered that she may, in fact, refuse his hand. After a few moments of stunned silence, he stood and laughed.
"I am by no means discouraged. Indeed, not. I understand that it is usual for young ladies to reject the addresses of the man they secretly mean to accept, when he first applies for their favour. And therefore, I shall hope, my dear cousin, to lead you to the altar before long."
Elizabeth
"Upon my word, your hope is an extraordinary one in view of my declaration," Elizabeth said, with no small amount of frustration. "I was perfectly serious in my refusal. You could not make me happy and I am convinced I am the last woman in the world who could make you so."
Mr. Collins
"My dear Miss Elizabeth," Mr. Collins countered, "my situation in life, my connection with the noble family of De Bourgh, are circumstances highly in my favour. You should consider that, in spite of your manifold attractions, it is by no means certain that another offer of marriage may ever be made to you."
Elizabeth
Elizabeth had heard enough. She was well aware that her small dowry and lack of connection made it somewhat unlikely that she would receive a generous offer; that did not mean that she had to sit here quietly while a pompous fool threw such facts in her face. She rose and stalked towards the door, stopping when his voice reached her.
Mr. Collins
"You cannot be serious in your rejection," he said. "I must attribute it to your wish of increasing my love through suspense, according to the usual practice of elegant females."
Elizabeth
"I assure you, sir," she insisted, "that I have no pretensions to the kind of elegance which consists in tormenting a respectable man. I would rather be paid the compliment of being believed sincere. I thank you for the honour of your proposals, but to accept them is absolutely impossible. My feelings forbid it, in every respect. Can I speak plainer? Do not consider me now as an elegant female intending to plague you, but as a rational creature, speaking the truth from her heart."
Mr. Collins
"You are uniformly charming!" he declared.
Elizabeth
It was hopeless. Elizabeth turned towards the door again, and she did not bother to stop this time as he called after her.
Mr. Collins
"And I am persuaded that, when sanctioned by your excellent parents, my proposals will not fail of being acceptable."
It was hard to feel as confident as his words sounded; he was speaking to an empty room.
(OOC: Large quantities were stolen from either Austen's original work or the BBC's adaptation of the same, which streamlined some of the dialogue and gave handy visual references for blocking. Lizzy only wishes this was the end of it. NFI and NFB, but OOC is love.)