Comments | cleolinda: Monday afternoon, feeling good

cleolinda

Monday afternoon, feeling good

Jul 14, 2008 16:51

Just as a follow-up to The Longest Entry Ever, I got tired of annotating Fifteen Minutes...es, so I decided to annotate my dream instead, using the Dream Moods dream dictionary. I'll spare you the teal deer, but the reason I'm bringing this up is that ( my dream had better foreshadowing than actual fiction I've written )

harry potter, games, tribulations, true blood, tv, lolcats, lord of the rings, twilight, conventions, art, births, shakespeare, bond, dreams, movies, watchmen, batman, x-files, vampires

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laurelin_kit July 14 2008, 23:05:23 UTC

Is it feeling like growing up and out is wrong somehow, like abandonment?

cleolinda July 14 2008, 23:14:06 UTC

Yeah, I think that's what it is. And I think that since I'm so very overdue for it, the guilt is a lot stronger--the guilt is what's tying me down in the first place. And I think the dream is trying to be like, "LOSER, GET OVER IT! THERE ARE (HOT ACTORS) WAITING!"

laurelin_kit July 14 2008, 23:25:29 UTC

It's a tough feeling to get over.

cleolinda July 14 2008, 23:38:59 UTC

Well, and I think a lot of it was that we got really codependent in my college years right after my father walked out--I came home on the weekends way more often than was better for my social life, I think, because I was so worried about her. Fast-forward four years and she's remarried, but we're so tied together that it's hard to move on. I'm just a point where I'm trying to stop feeling guilty about it--feeling guilty about not having moved on yet--just accept that it took me this long to do it, and then just do it.

laurelin_kit July 14 2008, 23:52:22 UTC

Yeah. The whole hospital debacle this fall really set me back socially, and it's definitely set my mom back. I've gotten her down to six calls a week, but I still can't extricate myself. She went insane this spring when I wanted to go on a camping trip by myself. Like, insane crazy, to the point of crying and begging me not to go. I don't know how dependent you and your mom are on each other, but I do know mine was pretty attached for a long time, and still is. I was worried for a while that I wouldn't be able to handle living on my own again, but all her constant "Do you think you can handle this? I want to be sure you can cook your own food!" made me doubly sure that I wanted to do things for myself.

That digressed into some teal deer, but anyway, the point is that you have to take the plunge. Even if you're not sure if you'll be okay, if she'll be okay, it's better all around.

cleolinda July 15 2008, 00:04:56 UTC

No, I know what you mean. And when I say "four years later," I'm saying that's the point when I should have disengaged, and didn't; it's now six years after that. She's not as openly emotional about it as your mother seems to be (and after your illness, I can see why she would be, although you're right, it's still up to you to move on), but she's always saying things like, "I'm just afraid you wouldn't be able take care of yourself." Which then makes me go, "Oh God, maybe I wouldn't be able to take care of myself." It becomes this undermining, self-fulfilling prophecy, you know? And she tells me that she wants me to be independent for my own sake... and then later she'll turn around and say that if it was just the two of us, she'd be perfectly happy if I never moved out. And she's always made this semi-big deal about how she wants to be my friend, not my parent--she's said that since I was four years old ("But... I want you to be my mom," I think I said then). I think we both want me to stay and to leave, and we're both conflicted ( ... )

laurelin_kit July 15 2008, 00:16:23 UTC

My mom would act like she was jealous of my friends. I think she wants us to be all Lorelai and Rory. She's said out loud that she doesn't know why I can tell my "Orlando friends" things and not her. I was so scared when I got out of the hospital that I'd never leave home again. I didn't want to walk too far away from my mother in the store in case something happened. But after spending time with my friends more and more it didn't feel right being stuck home. It was a battle to drive myself to my one class instead of letting my mom drive me. It wasn't until visiting my friends regularly and staying on their couches that I started feeling like I could live alone again ( ... )

cleolinda July 15 2008, 00:41:10 UTC

Yeah, I think we've had maybe one fight in the last five years, maybe, and we didn't even fight when I was a teenager.

My problem isn't so much that I can't take care of myself on a day-to-day basis; it's that I'm afraid of the depression taking over at a given point so that I can't function, get out of bed, pay bills, eat, that kind of thing. Because I did have a spell in college where that happened. It's more that I'm afraid of an illness returning, so to speak, than I am that I can't do household things, because I already do them now.

It's great, though, that you're ready to fight for your independence (and seriously, best of luck with that). I don't want to blame my mother much, because at the end of the day, the responsibility to move on is mine. And I think that's what my dream was getting at, that all the characters in it were really me, and it was about my own conflict.

laurelin_kit July 15 2008, 00:49:58 UTC

It's more that I'm afraid of an illness returning, so to speak, than I am that I can't do household things, because I already do them now.

That kept me back for ages. Still, you can keep your health in check. Do you think you'd be able to have people be like your checkpoints if you lived on your own? Like The Lovely Emily or someone, or your mother who could be able to recognize the signs if you didn't see them yourself, or if you can't go for help? My friends were a big part of my recovery and they watch out for my health.

cleolinda July 15 2008, 01:04:35 UTC

Hmm, checkpoints would be a good start. My only problem is that I'm afraid I'd just lie about it--I have a bad habit of just telling people that no, I'm fine. Of course, it would be up to me to work on not doing that.

laurelin_kit July 15 2008, 01:07:23 UTC

Are there any specific behaviors that you could tell them to look out for? Like I've always told my friends if I ever take up smoking that I'm seriously depressed and need help instantly. Are there any signals like that you could use?

cleolinda July 15 2008, 01:18:04 UTC

I wish I had something like smoking that was that clear a signal (seriously, that's a good one). I got very, very good at hiding depression because I felt so guilty about being depressed in the first place; I tend to be able to pull it together in front of other people. The only way you'd really be able to tell is... if you were living with me. Which is the problem. It really sounds like I'm just going to have to sack up, be more vigilant, and get over feeling guilty about everything.

laurelin_kit July 15 2008, 01:24:20 UTC

Do you have any friends looking for roommates, or who would be able to let you move in?

You seem to be really open about accepting that depression is a disease. I remember you read Dooce, so there's no need to mention all the stuff she's written about it. I know you know there's no real reason to feel guilty for a disease relapsing, so I guess all you have to do is, well, sack up and be vigilant. :)

cleolinda July 15 2008, 01:36:57 UTC

Yeah, I do read Dooce. I think guilt, for whatever reason I decide to feel it, is a huge problem for me. It may go back to everyone treating me like I was some superstar child prodigy because I... what, liked to write stories? It's kind of bizarre when I look back on it now. I guess I grew up feeling like I almost had this legend to live up to, and when I turned out to be a normal human being and not the second coming of Shakespeare by age 16, I guess I felt like a huge letdown. Even though I don't feel any guilt or shame about having the depression per se, I really, really hate for people to see me in the middle of it, like I feel like I should be fighting it harder or something. I feel guilty for being so weak in the grip of it, not for having it in the first place, I guess ( ... )

laurelin_kit July 15 2008, 01:52:16 UTC

It may be something I need to talk to my doctor about, or start trying to attack that specific thought process in a behavioral sense--you know, come up with some mantra to repeat about how I'm entitled to screw up as long as I'm trying, I don't know.

When I was trying to figure out something helpful to contribute, I realized I do that sometimes. Like, um. Right now. I should be working on my lab report, but I'm afraid it will suck. If I don't do it until the last minute, I have an excuse for it sucking, but if I work really hard on it and it doesn't get an A, then it's my ability, not my time-management. That was a problem with calculus this spring, one I didn't tell Bryan about because he'd make me study more. I don't tell people that can influence my schoolwork that particular reasoning because I know they'll be able to call me on it later.

cleolinda July 15 2008, 02:00:33 UTC

Yeah, I have huge finishing-things issues because as long as I haven't finished, I haven't disappointed anyone yet. I mean, I cannot tell you how paralyzed I am right now about Black Ribbon, because what if I finish it and it sinks like a stone and I'm not the second coming of Stephenie Meyer? OH MY GOD WHY DOES THAT MATTER? There's a lot of shouting sense into oneself that has to get done, I think.

Also, I think I owe you for--what, at least an hour in therapy? ; )

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