The last paragraph really resonated with me. I, too, am in the process of getting healthy, and am hoping I can be independent soon.
Again, I'm so sorry about Lucky. It's all very well and good to be philosophical, but what it comes down to is that you miss him. I hope you find your answers soon.
I don't know what to say, except that I hope you're doing OK and that you can email me anytime. This was a very thoughtful examination of the whole situation and while I'm not happy you're having hard times right now, I found it very absorbing.
(On a slightly off-topic note, fuck Famous Visiting Twathead And His Amazing Powers Of Academic Asshattery. I don't think I've heard this story, but he's makin' my chainsaw finger itch.)
Aww, thanks. And I'm glad I could help. I just find it helpful to think about ways previous things have paid off unexpectedly, in terms of coming to grips with the idea that things may be happening now that are setting the stage for something we can't see at the moment. Because it sucks, the waiting part.
"partly because I was scared, and partly because I dreaded the idea of professors trying to break me of my style and trying to remake me in their own images... this is how I write and what I write, and I want to write that better. I don't want to write Very Serious, Literary Examinations of the Human Condition in Which Nothing Actually Happens, and I'm tired of writing poetry that has to be buried in arcane symbolism for it to be considered any good.... genre (which Literary Types Do Not Like). And so I was scared and stubborn and evasive
( ... )
No problem. Email me at cleolinda at livejournal.com.
As for the first part, the thing you have to do is learn to speak a second language, basically--learn to write the way they want you to write, in a way that you can turn off when you write the way *you* want to write, rather than let them take over your process entirely. I'm not saying you should resist a professor entirely; no matter how or what you write, you can always stand to learn more. Don't resist improvement; resist arbitrary personality change.
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Again, I'm so sorry about Lucky. It's all very well and good to be philosophical, but what it comes down to is that you miss him. I hope you find your answers soon.
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Thank you for sharing your grief with us.
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(On a slightly off-topic note, fuck Famous Visiting Twathead And His Amazing Powers Of Academic Asshattery. I don't think I've heard this story, but he's makin' my chainsaw finger itch.)
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As for the first part, the thing you have to do is learn to speak a second language, basically--learn to write the way they want you to write, in a way that you can turn off when you write the way *you* want to write, rather than let them take over your process entirely. I'm not saying you should resist a professor entirely; no matter how or what you write, you can always stand to learn more. Don't resist improvement; resist arbitrary personality change.
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