Empire 1:2, "Will"
Empire recap, part two:
Previously on “Empire”:
bookworm:: i just missed the last 20 minutes, could someone recap for me?
Brainchild:: Caesar, he is ded
bookworm:: woo hoo
Brainchild:: He died very, very, VERY slowly
kitten rat:: from stabbing
Princess Cleolinda:: that was the last twenty minutes
Brainchild:: Accompanied by the Wailing Woman of DOOM!!
Princess Cleolinda:: also, Octavius is stupid
CSI: ROMA (TM kitten rat). Cassius and Brutus are standing over the stabby, sheet-covered body of Caesar in… you know, that pillary room in the basement of the Senate, or… whatever. Has a nice soft blue light, that’s all I know. I forget what actually happened in this scene because it was just that interesting, but I seem to recall Brutus expressing some dismay and disbelief that they actually killed Caesar, and Cassius is like, “Why must you always be so NEGATIVE?” Poor Brutus is like, “Are you sure he’s not just sleeping? Pining for the fjords?” Actual Cassius line: “No one has ever been deader.”
SOME VESTAL VIRGIN VOICEOVER (VVVO). I forget what Camaro says. Just assume that it’s portentously boring.
SLAVE QUARTERS. Tyrannus sends Wifeia and Young Floor off in a wagon to… somewhere. He and Octavius hide out in their Jedi Ranger of the North cloaks in Tyrannus’s Flintstone condo, but-“They’re coming!” So Tyrannus whips out his two swords and unleashes hell and stuff (for serious, Tyrannus is so bad-ass that he'll just pull a soldier from a horse and the soldier will just immediately die of, like, shame or something) and they make a break for it.
Princess Cleolinda:: Wait, what’d they say?
kitten rat:: I heard "they are rounding up lawyers and laying waste to their villages"
Agent Sculder:: I'm guessing that as a fan of ancient history I should not be watching this?
Princess Cleolinda:: not if you don't want to be in pain
Agent Sculder:: Is this bad or Attila bad?
Princess Cleolinda:: bad
elysium:: bad
Agent Sculder:: Damn.
Princess Cleolinda:: it's not even Attila bad. And there are NO BATHS
THE FORESTS OF PERUGIA. So this guy on horseback comes around and Octavius and Tyrannus tag team him (by which I mean “Octavius is the bait and Tyrannus stabnates him from behind”), but all of a sudden Octavius feels guilty about killing him or something: “What if he was just a regular dude with a wife and kids?” I really want Tyrannus to be like, “Oh, you mean like ME, ASSHAT?,” but he doesn’t; he just points out that the guy has a gladiator sword and was sent out to kill them blah blah blah. And Octavius is all ready to flounce off back home but-and I swear to you, this is the most awesome thing ever-Tyrannus grabs him and FLIPS HIM over onto the ground and RUBS HIS FACE IN THE DIRT. BAD HEIR! NO BISCUIT! And Octavius is all like HRMMMM! MPHMMGHGHPHM!, and really, this would be so much more effective if Tyrannus had, like, a lake or a puddle or a toilet or something around, but, you know, you make do with what you’ve got. So finally he lets him up after about ten minutes, and Tyrannus is like, “Now help me drag this dead dude off, and then you march right off to bed without any supper, young man, because we ride TONIGHT.” And Tyrannus has jerky Locke-style flashbacks to Wifeia and Floor riding away, because he wubs his family, yo.
And then Octavius takes this opportunity to run off back home. Candy-ass little bitch.
So he goes back to Mila Kunis’s house, and apparently she’s a senator’s daughter-maybe she’s Cassius’s daughter? I can’t tell. She’s just baby-faced and easy, that’s all I know.
Princess Cleolinda:: "You have no idea what I've been through! Camping is so haaaaard!"
matrixchick:: is she drinking a pepsi?
Princess Cleolinda:: heeeeee
matrixchick:: that was a can
matrixchick:: product placement in ancient rome
And then they do it.
I’m unclear on what happened next-I have something about “blah blah integrity blah” in my chat notes, so let’s assume there was a speech or something in there, and that it was boring.
So apparently there’s a will, and theoretically it names Octavius as Caesar’s heir instead of… I’m sure they said, but damn if I caught it. Judging by 1) Caesar’s last words and 2) the characters that are actually het up over this, I’m going to guess that either government was passing straight to the Senate and Mark Anthony (and/or Cassius?) has a stake in this. The point is, it’s apparently the most hilarious thing ever that Caesar would name himbo Octavius his heir, and no one was expecting this at all.
VESTAL TEMPLE OF VESTAL VIRGINITY. They shake down the virgins, but Virgin Superior Amanda Root’s like, “The Vestals are neutral, you choads! Get out! And don’t you dare lay a hand on [Camaro], or she’ll never marry Mr. Bingley!”
CAESAR’S TOTALLY SWEET MANSION. Atia’s shrieking about how they can’t do this, they can’t search her mansion without a warrant destroy Caesar’s house or whatnot, but Cassius (I think) grabs her by the elbow and, after a few minutes in which we were sure he was going to toss her over the balcony, he throws her into a paddywagon made out of, like, driftwood or something. And somehow? Atia has smuggled a scroll in a silver scroll case out in her chiffon toga. Look, don’t ask me.
Agent Sculder:: I hope that will had witnesses or else it is invalid.
MILA KUNIS’S BEDROOM. Octavius and Mila are lolling around in the afterglow. Octavius explains, somewhat hilariously, that Tyrannus is protecting him. “Well, he was, until I ditched him in the woods and came back and hit the springs with you, baby.” And then he tells her that Caesar named him his heir, and she laughs at him so hard that she nearly chokes (actual line: “It’s not that funny!”), so exit Mila to get some water… and tell a guard to grab the senators, while she keeps Octavius “occupied.” Oh, snap. Well played, Mila Kunis; well played.
CASA DE INCEST. I am still fuzzy on what happened here, but apparently Brutus’s mom is is a redheaded Trudie Styler who looks profoundly like the scary mom in Brazil. This may not be unintentional.
elysium:: ew trudie's face is freaking me out
Princess Cleolinda:: did they have plastic surgery in Rome?
Brainchild:: Damn, girl got bitchface
Princess Cleolinda:: wait, whose lover was she?
kitten rat:: eww, mom, what are you doing?
Princess Cleolinda:: wait kissing what?
Brainchild:: And now they're ripping off Gladiator again with the incest!
So apparently Trudie was Caesar’s lover and Brutus was his son? I think? (This is apparently an actual historical theory?) Which at least makes “And you, my child?” a teensy bit less lame. Shakespeare still hates you, however.
BEDROOM OF BETRAYAL. Someone says “You’re so beautiful,” according to my notes. Actually, I think this may have been addressed to Octavius (heh). And then Evil Romans bust in and Mila shouts “HE’S IN HERE!” with impressive ruthlessness. Octavius manages to get out with the clothes on his back and he’s running through an alley when a hand reaches out and yanks his dumb ass back into the shadows. Why Tyrannus does not throw in a pimp-slap for good measure, I do not know.
SOME EVIL ROMAN DUNGEON. Atia’s being held by the Evil Romans, and Cassius is ripping the back of her robes in search of the scroll. It’s all very humiliating without ABC actually showing any skin. And then Cicero totters in to visit Atia at some point, and I totally missed the point where she handed the scroll off to him, but apparently Cassius gets annoyed and boots Cicero out and Cicero’s free to huff and puff through the streets of Rome with Teh Sekrit Will. And I’m really glad, because I was starting to worry where Atia might have had to hide that thing.
VESTAL TEMPLE OF VESTAL VIRGINITY.
StephenTrendy:: why [is Cicero] telling the Vestal Virgin Camaro all this shit?
I have no idea, man.
DEAD BODY OF CAESAR. You know, somewhere in the Senate building whatever thing. Tyrannus takes Octavius to see the body because he still doesn’t believe Caesar named him heir. I’m not sure how these two things connect logically, but Tyrannus is purty and I don’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him so. Colm Feore, meanwhile, has a strangely blissful expression on his dead Caesarean face.
Princess Cleolinda:: aww, he looks so happy
kitten rat:: he's out of the movie
bookworm:: yeah, he took his money and ran
kitten rat:: in his dying breath, he said "paycheck"
And then Octavius goes on this big melodramatic speech about how his uncle was so hard on him blah blah my daddy didn’t looooove me blah. Then Cicero breaks up the pity party to tell them that the Evil Romans are coming, and Octavius and Tyrannus jet, leaving Cicero with Caesar’s uncovered body to be like, “What? I was… uh… paying respects, and shit.” Cassius calls Cicero “grandmother” and generally insults his age and virility.
Meanwhile, the mob outside-I guess they heard that Caesar died? I still don’t understand how a mob formed this quickly-is agitating outside. The thing I always wondered about Roman architecture was how you kept anybody out with all those open colonnades of pillars, but, you know, whatever. Meanwhile, Octavius and Tyrannus are disguised in the crowd while the Evil Senators try their best to get themselves and Caesar’s body out without being torn to shreds.
kitten rat:: they're doing the chopping thing from Braves games
Princess Cleolinda:: heeee, Jedi cloaks
Brainchild:: "These aren't the senators you're looking for"
Princess Cleolinda:: blah blah honor blah
bookworm:: everybody now..."friends, romans, countrymen..."
So Mark Anthony stops the procession and climbs up on Caesar’s bier and-you know, I can’t remember exactly what he says, but it’s along the lines of, “Romans! Listen to me!”
bookworm:: gasp!
Princess Cleolinda:: “Fuck you sideways, Shakespeare!”
kitten rat:: "yo, Romans! I'm gonna drop some science!"
Shakespeare’s other zombie hand bursts from the grave and gives this show the double deuce. The sparse, underpaid crowd is all like, “Eh, hail Caesar.” Mark Anthony places Caesar’s cheap-ass laurel crown on his body and chokes out a fake, fakey-fake sob. And then we notice…
Princess Cleolinda:: wait, does his armor have a navel in it?
Princess Cleolinda:: damn, that's almost worse than the Batsuit nipples
kitten rat:: Joel Schumacher strikes again!
StephenTrendy:: the Strings of Melodrama rear their ugly heads
Princess Cleolinda:: and THIS was the speech that was supposed to rouse the mob?
Brainchild:: Well, there's only a couple of dozen of them
StephenTrendy:: to be fair, the mob is mostly old people
kitten rat:: he probably had a dance show before, get the crowd warmed up
Brainchild:: Woo! Riot!
Brainchild:: Packers won the Superbowl! Woo!
Agent Sculder:: Not very riot-like
Brainchild:: And what's a riot without a fire
Princess Cleolinda:: it's more like a friendly barbecue
And then a ragged Atia is escorted through the crowd and Cassius tells her that if she doesn’t tell the mob to cool it, bad shit will happen. So she gets up there and she’s all like, “Hey, you guys? Thanks for coming out today, and stuff, but Caesar needs you to disperse peacefully,” and then-you know, I don’t know why, but she just busts out with, “OH P.S. HE NAMED OCTAVIUS HIS HEIR! HAIL, OCTAVIUS!” And the crowd’s like, “MEH, OCTAVIUS,” and Mark Anthony gives her this look like, “Bitch, why you be trippin’ on my speech?” And then the crowd jacks Caesar’s crown and runs off with his body and the senators flee like elephants at the sight of tiny white mice. The mob starts setting fire to Caesar’s body stacked on top of, like, a pile of broken chairs or something, and Octavius is all like, “HEY!” “No, I have seen this,” says Tyrannus. “This is how the mob shows its affection.” I just… I have nothing to follow that up with. Like, I understand the concept of a Viking-style funeral pyre and all, but “I have seen this”? Buddy, trust me, I don’t think you’ve ever seen anything like this weak-ass mob before.
VESTAL TEMPLE OF VESTAL VIRGINITY. Against the Virgin Superior’s “Neutral Like Switzerland, No, Why Do You Ask” policy, the Vestal Virgin Camaro lets Octavius and Tyrannus meet Cicero in the Vestal Temple or whatever for an impromptu will-reading. There’s a big basin of fire and the words “So long as this fire burns, Rome will exist” are uttered, at which point I called up my bookie and put down fifty dollars on “bowl of fire pushed over by end of series.” Also, Cicero says that he’s leaving Rome, and when asked to stay, I swear to you he’s like, “Nope, not comin’ back.”
So Octavius sits down on some steps or something to read the will with Camaro, and… I swear, they sit there for like five minutes while Camaro blahs on about how she was taken from her home at the age of six and did not actually want to be a Vestal Virgin.
bookworm:: melodramatic strings ensue
StephenTrendy:: he's wearing so much makeup
Princess Cleolinda:: she's so not going to be a virgin by the end of this, is she?
Agent Sculder:: Those wailing strings need to be outlawed for ancient epics now
Princess Cleolinda:: REAAAAD THE WIIIIIIIILL
So FINALLY we read the will, and YES, Caesar DID name Octavius his heir, and Camaro points out that Caesar wrote Octavius’s name as if Octavius were his very own actual son (“Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus,” if you were curious), and Octavius is all like, “omg my daddy DOES love me!” And Camaro gives him the gold ring that Caesar left for him--
Brainchild:: And he's like "oooh, shiny"
bookworm:: looks like something that you would get out of a vending machine
-and Tyrannus’s promise to protect him is repeated, and Cicero is (no kidding) like, “He’ll protect you, and he’ll protect me, and he’ll protect all of us! Protection for everyone!” You know, like he doesn't already have his hands full with Augustus Himbo over there. Poor Tyrannus, man. And then of course the Evil Romans show up and start manhandling the virgins again, and Tyrannus and Octavius slip out the back door. Seriously, it looks like they sneak out into the back lot behind the university caf. And once more: Braveheart music and fields of wheeeeat. Only this time, we’re also treated to a panorama of Rome slightly on fire. Be sure to catch the EXCITING next installment of this ACCLAIMED miniseries! P.S. You owe me a fruit basket for sitting through this, ABC.