stupid little screw tops
I had to go to the GP's yesterday as one of my kidneys is rebelling against my lifestyle choices. i find it exceptionally rude behaviour on its part. i have done none of the usual things that make a kidney angry such as drink far to much for far to long, have far to vigorous sex for far to long (although that usually angers the urethra first then the bladder then the kidney's get final notification.
i haven't eaten crap. God knows what the bloody thing wants but it can't have a union, as there are only two members and that’s not enough, I’ve offered the co-habitation agreements and the right is fine with everything but it’s the left that is being difficult. Perhaps it wants to be free of the other kidney and not tied down so much. It wants whimsy and spontaneity in its life and being tied to the right one and me just don't provide it with the variety of life it desires. Perhaps it wants to process absinthe and MacDonald’s and it hates the fact that i make it process water and Soya milk.
OH MY GOD!?!?! That’s it! i can't believe i didn't see it before! My kidney is younger than the other one and it is a TEENAGER!!! Throwing strops and wanting to do things that are bad for it and rebelling against my more mature sensibilities. oh phew i've figured it out.
WELLLLL any way in the meantime i'm still busy being poked and punctured and squeezed in the name of trying to figure out what is wrong with me and i have to give a urine sample (oh joys and i would usually say less hassle and less painful that the blood samples they keep taking from me but sadly, peeing at the moment it is more pain and hassle than a blood sample. it does however make amusing listening for anyone who happens to be walking past a toilet when i am in it as there is a lot of swearing, followed by some coaxing and cooing noises, followed by some more swearing, a flush and then i emerge. sweaty, flushed in the face and not from extraneous efforts that i enjoy)
SO, in the toilet cubicle at GP’s surgery trying to convince my bladder which has sided with my kidney against me, that it should let some of the reservoir that it is holding on to go into the pot so that my kidney can be dragged in for parents evening suitable chastised and retuned back to normal behaviour.
Pee a little, realise lid is still on, frantically take lid off while throwing precious drops of urine all over cubicle (did i forget to mention that once i start i can't stop) tear lid off thrust under flow, drop stupid little pot into toilet,
sweat,
swear.
Return to nurses office to repeat whole procedure again but did learn my lesson from the first time and got it all in correctly. Then have the strange need to wash and soap the outside of the pot lest the poor nurse come into contact with my radioactive urine.
Is that usual? (Not the kidney's i know that) but washing the pee pot before returning to the nurse/ doctors in some little way thinking that by cleaning the outside you are magically making the substance less offensive.
God bless nurses. They didn't laugh even when i told them i had dropped the first pot in the toilet and fished it out, spent a while washing it before i realised i couldn’t use it and put said pristine vessel in the bin.
i haven't eaten crap. God knows what the bloody thing wants but it can't have a union, as there are only two members and that’s not enough, I’ve offered the co-habitation agreements and the right is fine with everything but it’s the left that is being difficult. Perhaps it wants to be free of the other kidney and not tied down so much. It wants whimsy and spontaneity in its life and being tied to the right one and me just don't provide it with the variety of life it desires. Perhaps it wants to process absinthe and MacDonald’s and it hates the fact that i make it process water and Soya milk.
OH MY GOD!?!?! That’s it! i can't believe i didn't see it before! My kidney is younger than the other one and it is a TEENAGER!!! Throwing strops and wanting to do things that are bad for it and rebelling against my more mature sensibilities. oh phew i've figured it out.
WELLLLL any way in the meantime i'm still busy being poked and punctured and squeezed in the name of trying to figure out what is wrong with me and i have to give a urine sample (oh joys and i would usually say less hassle and less painful that the blood samples they keep taking from me but sadly, peeing at the moment it is more pain and hassle than a blood sample. it does however make amusing listening for anyone who happens to be walking past a toilet when i am in it as there is a lot of swearing, followed by some coaxing and cooing noises, followed by some more swearing, a flush and then i emerge. sweaty, flushed in the face and not from extraneous efforts that i enjoy)
SO, in the toilet cubicle at GP’s surgery trying to convince my bladder which has sided with my kidney against me, that it should let some of the reservoir that it is holding on to go into the pot so that my kidney can be dragged in for parents evening suitable chastised and retuned back to normal behaviour.
Pee a little, realise lid is still on, frantically take lid off while throwing precious drops of urine all over cubicle (did i forget to mention that once i start i can't stop) tear lid off thrust under flow, drop stupid little pot into toilet,
sweat,
swear.
Return to nurses office to repeat whole procedure again but did learn my lesson from the first time and got it all in correctly. Then have the strange need to wash and soap the outside of the pot lest the poor nurse come into contact with my radioactive urine.
Is that usual? (Not the kidney's i know that) but washing the pee pot before returning to the nurse/ doctors in some little way thinking that by cleaning the outside you are magically making the substance less offensive.
God bless nurses. They didn't laugh even when i told them i had dropped the first pot in the toilet and fished it out, spent a while washing it before i realised i couldn’t use it and put said pristine vessel in the bin.