The literal creation story.
1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth, and McCain.
2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. McCain was freaking out.
3 And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. McCain said "Thanks!" God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness. God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night," for McCain would sleep the majority of both and give God some peace and quiet because he wouldn't have to hear McCain talk about being a POW. And there was evening, and there was morning-the first day.
6 "The Navy rules!" yelled McCain. "There is nothing more awesome than the Navy!" And God said, "Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." So God made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. God called the expanse "sky," and those who would fly in it the "Air Force." And there was evening, and there was morning-the second day, and McCain called God a cunt.
9 "But whom shall I bomb?" asked McCain. And God said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear." And it was so. God called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters he called "seas." And God saw that it was good. McCain gazed at the distant lands and knew them foreigners were up to no good.
11 Then God said, "Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds." And it was so. The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning-the third day. McCain tried to arrest God for growing marijuana, but God created "Matlock" and McCain was distracted.
14 And God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years...." "Hey, shut up you fucking trollop!" yelled McCain, "it's 5 pm, well past my bedtime!" And God let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth. And it was so. God made two great lights-the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. God set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning-the fourth day.
20 And God said, "Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky." So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living and moving thing with which the water teems, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. God blessed those that survived McCain's new offshore drilling project and said, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth." And there was evening, and there was morning-the fifth day.
24 And God said, "Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: livestock, creatures that move along the ground, and wild animals, each according to its kind." And it was so. God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. After finding the snakes and gathering them together, McCain convened the first Republican National Convention. And God saw that it was good.
26 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." And God gave them skin pigmentation so he could tell them from McCain.
27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And McCain bought their houses when they couldn't pay the mortgage, and his houses then numbered five and two.
28 God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it." And McCain did interpret God's command to be fruitful and say there shall thus be no gay sex unless in the Navy, for it is not gay if it is at sea, or unless done by a Republican up for reelection or conservative minister with deep pockets, or if the dude is really hot and has long hair. God did roll his eyes and continue: "Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground."
29 Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground-everything that has the breath of life in it-I give every green plant for food." And it was so. And when it was time to eat the first meal, McCain did qualify for the senior discount.
31 God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning-the sixth day.
2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. McCain was freaking out.
3 And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. McCain said "Thanks!" God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness. God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night," for McCain would sleep the majority of both and give God some peace and quiet because he wouldn't have to hear McCain talk about being a POW. And there was evening, and there was morning-the first day.
6 "The Navy rules!" yelled McCain. "There is nothing more awesome than the Navy!" And God said, "Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." So God made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. God called the expanse "sky," and those who would fly in it the "Air Force." And there was evening, and there was morning-the second day, and McCain called God a cunt.
9 "But whom shall I bomb?" asked McCain. And God said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear." And it was so. God called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters he called "seas." And God saw that it was good. McCain gazed at the distant lands and knew them foreigners were up to no good.
11 Then God said, "Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds." And it was so. The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning-the third day. McCain tried to arrest God for growing marijuana, but God created "Matlock" and McCain was distracted.
14 And God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years...." "Hey, shut up you fucking trollop!" yelled McCain, "it's 5 pm, well past my bedtime!" And God let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth. And it was so. God made two great lights-the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. God set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning-the fourth day.
20 And God said, "Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky." So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living and moving thing with which the water teems, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. God blessed those that survived McCain's new offshore drilling project and said, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth." And there was evening, and there was morning-the fifth day.
24 And God said, "Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: livestock, creatures that move along the ground, and wild animals, each according to its kind." And it was so. God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. After finding the snakes and gathering them together, McCain convened the first Republican National Convention. And God saw that it was good.
26 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." And God gave them skin pigmentation so he could tell them from McCain.
27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And McCain bought their houses when they couldn't pay the mortgage, and his houses then numbered five and two.
28 God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it." And McCain did interpret God's command to be fruitful and say there shall thus be no gay sex unless in the Navy, for it is not gay if it is at sea, or unless done by a Republican up for reelection or conservative minister with deep pockets, or if the dude is really hot and has long hair. God did roll his eyes and continue: "Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground."
29 Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground-everything that has the breath of life in it-I give every green plant for food." And it was so. And when it was time to eat the first meal, McCain did qualify for the senior discount.
31 God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning-the sixth day.