So I been thinking..
Many of you know that I was former Air Force, I got out when I was pregnant with Cole. During Tech School I had planned to Career the AF until I arrived in Utah and the assholes there ruined my visions of the AF. Some of them felt you were a child and not an adult there to defend your Motherlands, just as they were. I seperated from the Air Force in September 1999, welcoming our first Son Cole shortly after in February. I've always secretly told myself that I wish I would've stayed in longer, but I was just desperate to GTFO of the Air Force at the time that I didn't even think about it. I have enjoyed my near 8 yrs of being a SAHM but, I also feel a regret of wishing that I had stayed in longer or at least finished my signed up term. I know the choices that I have made have been the best choices for our family, I had just always assumed that we would be a Military Family. Steve gave his heart and soul to the Military and they shit down his neck. It's amazing what a little bit of rank and dislike can do for your Military Career. Anyway when Steve got out we were told that he could return w/in 6 mos. So when the 6 mos passed Steve was still pretty tore up over what happened, rejoining the Air Force was the last thing on his mind. Well fast forward a few yrs later, I still have the slight regret of getting out of the Military and with Steve not being in anymore the deep feeling that it was kinda my fault. Not that he was forced to be a Recruiter or anything, but I know that he was changing his career to make me happy so we can get closer to home. At the time I was so homesick with being pregnant, I just wanted to be near my mom. Steve when he's being sweet will do anything for me and even though I never asked him he decided that he wanted to try Recruiting and so we went back to IL and that was a huge mistake which ended something that Steve wanted more then anything.
We are down in Tennessee here and we are happy here but I just can't get past the feeling that this isn't forever. I like it here it's very beautiful and calm, but something is missing. Sometimes I think that I would like to go back into the Military. Then I think of all the negatives about it, not so much of what it means to be in the Military, just alot of the bullshit you can get from it for being in the office. All my girls from when I was in most are still in and I keep in touch with several of them, they have all of these adventures and some have been all over the world and I think to myself is this it? Is this all that I will be? I just feel like I need to do something for myself, something that makes me feel like Jaime, not just Mom or Wife. I don't know what that is but I am very anxious to get going in something in my life. I stress over money and I stress over our health insurance situation, sometimes I guess life just sucks. Maybe it's just my area that I live in, there is really nothing here to do that is fun. I love my kids and I love being here with them and just observing how they act and behave it's quite comical. I have been blessed with some wonderful kids and I think that sometimes I take advantage of that and I kinda let them be alone alot. Not alone in the aspect of leaving the house with them alone, but all of my kids except for Elliot because he's so small still, just prefer to be by themselves. I will go try to spend some time with Shyanne and she will be like Mommy will you just get out of here ? It makes me laugh but hindsight it sucks. Do I suck that bad that they don't want me around. I know that sometimes I yell too much, it's mostly directed at Cole. I just think that he's old enough to be able to do somethings and he just doesn't so I yell and I feel bad because I always tell myself that I yell too much and I need to take it easy. Cole is a fabulous little boy and I just have to accept him for who he is. I always tell him that Mommy doesn't get mad at him and that I am proud of him but that sometimes I just get aggravated and I yell but I never stay mad, I just say I have a big mouth like Grandma(my mom) and he understands and I think he's ok. I really do try to get better and I have really mellowed out a ton and I rarely yell when I do I catch myself and play it off like I was playing and it seems to work.
I guess all the past few weeks of dealing with Head Lice has gotten to me LOL I think we've finally beat it but we still are picking some stuff out of the kids hair but it just seems to be all old stuff.
So anyway I will end this and check my spelling(actually LJ spell check sucks) so then I can also cross post this to myspace.
We are down in Tennessee here and we are happy here but I just can't get past the feeling that this isn't forever. I like it here it's very beautiful and calm, but something is missing. Sometimes I think that I would like to go back into the Military. Then I think of all the negatives about it, not so much of what it means to be in the Military, just alot of the bullshit you can get from it for being in the office. All my girls from when I was in most are still in and I keep in touch with several of them, they have all of these adventures and some have been all over the world and I think to myself is this it? Is this all that I will be? I just feel like I need to do something for myself, something that makes me feel like Jaime, not just Mom or Wife. I don't know what that is but I am very anxious to get going in something in my life. I stress over money and I stress over our health insurance situation, sometimes I guess life just sucks. Maybe it's just my area that I live in, there is really nothing here to do that is fun. I love my kids and I love being here with them and just observing how they act and behave it's quite comical. I have been blessed with some wonderful kids and I think that sometimes I take advantage of that and I kinda let them be alone alot. Not alone in the aspect of leaving the house with them alone, but all of my kids except for Elliot because he's so small still, just prefer to be by themselves. I will go try to spend some time with Shyanne and she will be like Mommy will you just get out of here ? It makes me laugh but hindsight it sucks. Do I suck that bad that they don't want me around. I know that sometimes I yell too much, it's mostly directed at Cole. I just think that he's old enough to be able to do somethings and he just doesn't so I yell and I feel bad because I always tell myself that I yell too much and I need to take it easy. Cole is a fabulous little boy and I just have to accept him for who he is. I always tell him that Mommy doesn't get mad at him and that I am proud of him but that sometimes I just get aggravated and I yell but I never stay mad, I just say I have a big mouth like Grandma(my mom) and he understands and I think he's ok. I really do try to get better and I have really mellowed out a ton and I rarely yell when I do I catch myself and play it off like I was playing and it seems to work.
I guess all the past few weeks of dealing with Head Lice has gotten to me LOL I think we've finally beat it but we still are picking some stuff out of the kids hair but it just seems to be all old stuff.
So anyway I will end this and check my spelling(actually LJ spell check sucks) so then I can also cross post this to myspace.