(no subject)
I'm starting to think I need a new life with different people in it. And there is only one person that I would take with me. She knows who she is.
No matter what I do or where I go or what I say, it's always wrong...and even with people that aren't even a part of my life anymore. When Sam and Josh left Jason and I in North Carolina, it was my fault. When Jason, or Jenny, or Katie, or Phylicia, or Inez, or Heather, or Sam, or Josh, or Billy, or Allison, or whoever the person may be, if any of these people and I had problems, it was always my fault. Or at least that's how I feel. I fucked up something down the lines of what you would call a friendship with these people. Yes, I know this all sounds screwed up but these people hurt me too. All of them. Every single one of them....more than they probably know or realize. What happened to how I feel about certain things? It doesn't even matter to anyone. And it's not even just friends or just the people that I have listed, its been family as well. I mean even though a few of these people aren't apart of my life anymore, I began to wonder why. Just because of some stupid break-up? Just because of some fight? Just because I let things get carried away? Just because I wasn't there for them when they needed me? Just because they had their own problems to deal with instead of mine? Just because I am holding a grudge and won't let go of it? Just because I was selfish?
I feel like I can't do anything right anymore. Especially when it comes to Jason. I feel like I'm not making him happy and he deserves so much better than me. Why would anyone want to deal with me? I have so many issues and I don't know where to start.
I feel like I am letting everyone down in some way or another...
I just need to go somewhere and start over. Go some place where no one knows me and I can make a whole new Mallory. But then again...I'd probably make new friends and what not and just end up fucking up something with the new people I befriended and be back where I started.
But then again, I am so fucking scared to lose everything I have. I can't up and leave everyone and everything behind. Maybe I just need to shut up, stop the bitching and be thankful for what I have. I have a roof over my head, I have food to eat and I have clothes on my back. Good enough isn't it? I would think that it would be but it's not, I feel so out of place and unloved where I am. I need more.
The same things don't even make me happy anymore. I went to a carnival type thing with Heather tonight and it cheered me up for the somewhat hour or so that we were there. Carnivals used to be my favorite thing in the world. They don't even do anything for me anymore.
What the fuck is my problem?
My mood changes every fucking minute that my heart beats. I just want to end up dead or missing or at least seriously injured enough to where no one can find me and I eventually starve to death.
I just want the pain to go away...and nothing helps. Not even talking or writing about it helps. And I am not blaming anyone for any of my problems because as usual, they are my fault as well and I know that. I need to do something about them...but what?
.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................I..........................................................................................................................wish.......................................................................................................................I.............................................................................................................................were.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................d..................................................................................................................e.................................................................................................................a.................................................................................................................d..............................................................................................
No matter what I do or where I go or what I say, it's always wrong...and even with people that aren't even a part of my life anymore. When Sam and Josh left Jason and I in North Carolina, it was my fault. When Jason, or Jenny, or Katie, or Phylicia, or Inez, or Heather, or Sam, or Josh, or Billy, or Allison, or whoever the person may be, if any of these people and I had problems, it was always my fault. Or at least that's how I feel. I fucked up something down the lines of what you would call a friendship with these people. Yes, I know this all sounds screwed up but these people hurt me too. All of them. Every single one of them....more than they probably know or realize. What happened to how I feel about certain things? It doesn't even matter to anyone. And it's not even just friends or just the people that I have listed, its been family as well. I mean even though a few of these people aren't apart of my life anymore, I began to wonder why. Just because of some stupid break-up? Just because of some fight? Just because I let things get carried away? Just because I wasn't there for them when they needed me? Just because they had their own problems to deal with instead of mine? Just because I am holding a grudge and won't let go of it? Just because I was selfish?
I feel like I can't do anything right anymore. Especially when it comes to Jason. I feel like I'm not making him happy and he deserves so much better than me. Why would anyone want to deal with me? I have so many issues and I don't know where to start.
I feel like I am letting everyone down in some way or another...
I just need to go somewhere and start over. Go some place where no one knows me and I can make a whole new Mallory. But then again...I'd probably make new friends and what not and just end up fucking up something with the new people I befriended and be back where I started.
But then again, I am so fucking scared to lose everything I have. I can't up and leave everyone and everything behind. Maybe I just need to shut up, stop the bitching and be thankful for what I have. I have a roof over my head, I have food to eat and I have clothes on my back. Good enough isn't it? I would think that it would be but it's not, I feel so out of place and unloved where I am. I need more.
The same things don't even make me happy anymore. I went to a carnival type thing with Heather tonight and it cheered me up for the somewhat hour or so that we were there. Carnivals used to be my favorite thing in the world. They don't even do anything for me anymore.
What the fuck is my problem?
My mood changes every fucking minute that my heart beats. I just want to end up dead or missing or at least seriously injured enough to where no one can find me and I eventually starve to death.
I just want the pain to go away...and nothing helps. Not even talking or writing about it helps. And I am not blaming anyone for any of my problems because as usual, they are my fault as well and I know that. I need to do something about them...but what?
.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................I..........................................................................................................................wish.......................................................................................................................I.............................................................................................................................were.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................d..................................................................................................................e.................................................................................................................a.................................................................................................................d..............................................................................................