funny, adj., Causing laughter or amusement.clearlyunseenJanuary 1 2005, 20:24:49 UTC
if i were santa
Santa had been having problems for quite a while now. He couldn’t keep track of what everyone wanted, and it seemed no one wanted to help him. The kids wanted toys, but seemed to hate the authentic from-Santa’s-sleigh-for-real Hess trucks he brought them every year (the Hess truck was actually his favorite toy). The teenagers wanted him to sign their permission slips for their illegal piercing, but Santa was not one for breaking the law, strangely enough; he broke the Law of Gravity many a time. The parents just wanted their kids to shut up, but seemed disappointed when they saw the Hess trucks. And, finally, the seniors wanted their medicine, but he had no sympathy for them because he was already 600 years old and still dealing with a bunch of rabid reindeers. If he could do it, they could do it. And so a plan was devised, and mainly by the Elves, but no one really wants to give them the credit. All the bad children and adults would get coal, but the good ones would get…more Hess trucks. And this made things much easier for Santa. Now, many years later, it seems Santa has everything pretty much under control, but he’s soon going to be looking over Francis Lewis’ Good & Bad records. So, to make it a little easier on the Elves…oh, Santa, I have constructed a short list of names and what I would give them, according to their behavior this year, IF I WERE SANTA.
Bannon, Mrs.-Dearest Mrs. Bannon, I would give you a hard-rock album and a one-way ticket to India, because you love teaching about it so much.
Rosenbloom, Mr.-Mr. Rosenbloom, because of your love of fashion, I’m going to make a deal with Santa so that you could get a $5 dollar gift certificate to Chinatown to get yourself a new sweater. Cheers!
Irving-A date with a famous rapper. Try teaching him English.
Tomeo, Mr.-This holiday season, my crystal globe tells me that you’ll be getting…a Hess truck. Santa loves you. He didn’t vote for Clinton either.
Nemes, Mr.-I’m in a good mood, so I’ll give you…total permission to make sure that I don’t get any of the teachers I talk about in this article next year. Or next term, for that matter. Please.
Emmi, Mrs.-Santa says he wants to give you one of his elves, to see if you can tell the difference. He’s such a kidder.
Yee-Being that you are a physical therapist, I would definitely give you a one-hour session with Mr. Trump’s hair. No pressure, but the future Trump fashion line is depending on it.
Steinberg, Mr.-Your own pet pigeon. I promise it’ll be a real off-the-street pigeon, too-rabies and everything.
QUinnam, Lady-A lot of duct tape. Why? Santa has his reasons.
Xu, Mr.-Coal. Coal. And more coal.
So that’s it, folks. I was sure I had put up a Disclaimer for acronyms and the like, but I guess not. That’s strange. Happy Holidays!
No, there can also be Jew-ish references, Michael Jackson references, Michael Moore references, Presidential-candidate references, naked-people references, terrorist references, and references to the stupidity that makes me ultimately charming.
But, yeah, everything probably has to be a Seinfeld reference.
Santa had been having problems for quite a while now. He couldn’t keep track of what everyone wanted, and it seemed no one wanted to help him. The kids wanted toys, but seemed to hate the authentic from-Santa’s-sleigh-for-real Hess trucks he brought them every year (the Hess truck was actually his favorite toy). The teenagers wanted him to sign their permission slips for their illegal piercing, but Santa was not one for breaking the law, strangely enough; he broke the Law of Gravity many a time. The parents just wanted their kids to shut up, but seemed disappointed when they saw the Hess trucks. And, finally, the seniors wanted their medicine, but he had no sympathy for them because he was already 600 years old and still dealing with a bunch of rabid reindeers. If he could do it, they could do it.
And so a plan was devised, and mainly by the Elves, but no one really wants to give them the credit. All the bad children and adults would get coal, but the good ones would get…more Hess trucks. And this made things much easier for Santa.
Now, many years later, it seems Santa has everything pretty much under control, but he’s soon going to be looking over Francis Lewis’ Good & Bad records. So, to make it a little easier on the Elves…oh, Santa, I have constructed a short list of names and what I would give them, according to their behavior this year, IF I WERE SANTA.
Bannon, Mrs.-Dearest Mrs. Bannon, I would give you a hard-rock album and a one-way ticket to India, because you love teaching about it so much.
Rosenbloom, Mr.-Mr. Rosenbloom, because of your love of fashion, I’m going to make a deal with Santa so that you could get a $5 dollar gift certificate to Chinatown to get yourself a new sweater. Cheers!
Irving-A date with a famous rapper. Try teaching him English.
Tomeo, Mr.-This holiday season, my crystal globe tells me that you’ll be getting…a Hess truck. Santa loves you. He didn’t vote for Clinton either.
Nemes, Mr.-I’m in a good mood, so I’ll give you…total permission to make sure that I don’t get any of the teachers I talk about in this article next year. Or next term, for that matter. Please.
Emmi, Mrs.-Santa says he wants to give you one of his elves, to see if you can tell the difference. He’s such a kidder.
Yee-Being that you are a physical therapist, I would definitely give you a one-hour session with Mr. Trump’s hair. No pressure, but the future Trump fashion line is depending on it.
Steinberg, Mr.-Your own pet pigeon. I promise it’ll be a real off-the-street pigeon, too-rabies and everything.
QUinnam, Lady-A lot of duct tape. Why? Santa has his reasons.
Xu, Mr.-Coal. Coal. And more coal.
So that’s it, folks. I was sure I had put up a Disclaimer for acronyms and the like, but I guess not. That’s strange. Happy Holidays!
Santa’s sober, I promise.
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But, yeah, everything probably has to be a Seinfeld reference.
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