Fuck V-Day... aka krista looks back and hates herself
i'm 20 years old and i've never had anthing remotely close to a good relationship. i've never had a relationship that lasted more than a month. period. i've never had anything remotely close to loving another person with all my heart or being able to share feelings with someone who you know won't eventually crush them or turn them against you.
i've had numerous numerous pregnancy scares, slept with more men than people should sleep with in a lifetime, done some really risky, stupid, and idiotic things in really bad bad situations (like the kind you read about in books haha) and honestly, i won't deny it... become a whore. i dont like admitting that, i dont like hearing it, but its honestly how tall i feel right about now. and it shocks me because i never used to be like this. my number climbed so fast and i went downhill in a landslide...
3 nights ago i had the most amazing sex (what's the plural of sex? 4 times!) of my life. mind blowing earth shattering, things happened that i've never imagined before in my life. i let go for the first time in my life and actually was caught with both hands by an awesome guy. we clicked sexually AND mentally, it was...heaven. and i can really talk to this guy. he's amazing, got a good head on his shoulders, a job, a DEGREE (gasp, right guys?! haha) and knows where he's going in life. hasn't been in jail, has no kids, isn't secretly married or any shit i'm used to.
BUT it's just fuckin casual. do you know how hard and painful it is not to call this guy and just be like... i like you so much, i want to be with you. not to think about him or even think about when the next time i'm gonna see him will be because i have no fucking clue. how do i live like this? how do i do this to myself time and time again. and in the long run get hurt because i let these guys just walk all over me no matter what. and when i finally say i'm done with guys, some stupid idiot comes along and tries to change my mind because he "really wants a relationship" and it STILL ends up badly. am i that bad guys? what do i do that just screams "don't be with this girl, you won't like it in the long run, she's just good for the sex" i honestly dont get it... ppl find boyfriends and ppl to love everyday, why is it so fucking hard for me to? i want to have that feeling. to know i can depend on someone, have someone there for me, to love me, make me feel so good and to not worry about if they're out there screwing somebody else...
god, i'm sorry, there's the end of my rant. its valentines, ya gotta figure one person isn't gonna be happy about it, right? haha... i just... when is my turn? don't i deserve it? have i not been thru enough in my life?
***sidenote- all of this was brought on by this day and me not feeling well lately. might have mono or be pregnant, no one knows, my life is amazing what can i say, sorry to those who actually took the time to read it and it was a big downer haha... didn't mean it to be, just had to get my feelings out somwhere and right now LJ was the only option, haha... I love you guys and i hope you're all doin a lil better than me. Happy V-Day for what its worth, hahahahaa.... ahh jeez.
i've had numerous numerous pregnancy scares, slept with more men than people should sleep with in a lifetime, done some really risky, stupid, and idiotic things in really bad bad situations (like the kind you read about in books haha) and honestly, i won't deny it... become a whore. i dont like admitting that, i dont like hearing it, but its honestly how tall i feel right about now. and it shocks me because i never used to be like this. my number climbed so fast and i went downhill in a landslide...
3 nights ago i had the most amazing sex (what's the plural of sex? 4 times!) of my life. mind blowing earth shattering, things happened that i've never imagined before in my life. i let go for the first time in my life and actually was caught with both hands by an awesome guy. we clicked sexually AND mentally, it was...heaven. and i can really talk to this guy. he's amazing, got a good head on his shoulders, a job, a DEGREE (gasp, right guys?! haha) and knows where he's going in life. hasn't been in jail, has no kids, isn't secretly married or any shit i'm used to.
BUT it's just fuckin casual. do you know how hard and painful it is not to call this guy and just be like... i like you so much, i want to be with you. not to think about him or even think about when the next time i'm gonna see him will be because i have no fucking clue. how do i live like this? how do i do this to myself time and time again. and in the long run get hurt because i let these guys just walk all over me no matter what. and when i finally say i'm done with guys, some stupid idiot comes along and tries to change my mind because he "really wants a relationship" and it STILL ends up badly. am i that bad guys? what do i do that just screams "don't be with this girl, you won't like it in the long run, she's just good for the sex" i honestly dont get it... ppl find boyfriends and ppl to love everyday, why is it so fucking hard for me to? i want to have that feeling. to know i can depend on someone, have someone there for me, to love me, make me feel so good and to not worry about if they're out there screwing somebody else...
god, i'm sorry, there's the end of my rant. its valentines, ya gotta figure one person isn't gonna be happy about it, right? haha... i just... when is my turn? don't i deserve it? have i not been thru enough in my life?
***sidenote- all of this was brought on by this day and me not feeling well lately. might have mono or be pregnant, no one knows, my life is amazing what can i say, sorry to those who actually took the time to read it and it was a big downer haha... didn't mean it to be, just had to get my feelings out somwhere and right now LJ was the only option, haha... I love you guys and i hope you're all doin a lil better than me. Happy V-Day for what its worth, hahahahaa.... ahh jeez.