fuck.
have you ever wondered what rock bottom really is? or thought that you could quite possibly be there? who really knows.
i think i'm way WAY too optimistic about things. i can honestly say that i truly don't think there is ever a rock bottom. unless you're sentenced to death and it's like 2 seconds before the initial needle to your arm. but even then it's your fault, no? whatever, anyway.
the reason i'm thinking about this is because i'm fucking up my life.
i've been feeling completly paranoid lately. i keep frightening the hell out of myself. everytime i hear a car door shut outside my house i almost start to cry. everytime someone shines their high beams on my car i think they're following me. even if my mom comes into the living room when i'm asleep on the couch i curl up in a ball and get so nervous. so i really need to feel that nervous? i'm pretty sure my mother is just checking to see if i'm home yet. but it's so hard to change old habits. y'know it's like " i bite my nails" "i pick my nose" "i brush my teeth in the shower" ... " i feel freakishly nervous and paranoid when somebody enters the room while i'm sleeping"
i don't even know what it is anymore. it's so hard to explain. i just can't seem to find the good in any one anymore. i always feel like everyone's out to get me somehow, but i never react in that way. almost as if i feel bad for thinking this way so much that my paranoia really doesn't mean anything, because i don't even react to it.e
FUCK i don't even care if that doesn't make sense.
my life is just completly divided. my home life is where i feel insecure, nauseous, tired, awake, exhusted, uncomfortable.. blah blah. but there is really no reason for me to feel this way at all anymore. everything is perfectly fine here. i can't even sit on the couch in my own house anymore without feeling discomfort somehow.
whenever i'm at home i can't wait to go to work and whenever i'm at work i can't wait to go home. i can't find a medium anymore.
i don't even have enough motivation to smoke a ciggerette or buy new clothes. and i'm sitting here drowning in self pity for absolutely no reason what so ever, becuase in all honestly my life is so much better that it has ever been.
i have one of the best of the worst egos.
i think i'm way WAY too optimistic about things. i can honestly say that i truly don't think there is ever a rock bottom. unless you're sentenced to death and it's like 2 seconds before the initial needle to your arm. but even then it's your fault, no? whatever, anyway.
the reason i'm thinking about this is because i'm fucking up my life.
i've been feeling completly paranoid lately. i keep frightening the hell out of myself. everytime i hear a car door shut outside my house i almost start to cry. everytime someone shines their high beams on my car i think they're following me. even if my mom comes into the living room when i'm asleep on the couch i curl up in a ball and get so nervous. so i really need to feel that nervous? i'm pretty sure my mother is just checking to see if i'm home yet. but it's so hard to change old habits. y'know it's like " i bite my nails" "i pick my nose" "i brush my teeth in the shower" ... " i feel freakishly nervous and paranoid when somebody enters the room while i'm sleeping"
i don't even know what it is anymore. it's so hard to explain. i just can't seem to find the good in any one anymore. i always feel like everyone's out to get me somehow, but i never react in that way. almost as if i feel bad for thinking this way so much that my paranoia really doesn't mean anything, because i don't even react to it.e
FUCK i don't even care if that doesn't make sense.
my life is just completly divided. my home life is where i feel insecure, nauseous, tired, awake, exhusted, uncomfortable.. blah blah. but there is really no reason for me to feel this way at all anymore. everything is perfectly fine here. i can't even sit on the couch in my own house anymore without feeling discomfort somehow.
whenever i'm at home i can't wait to go to work and whenever i'm at work i can't wait to go home. i can't find a medium anymore.
i don't even have enough motivation to smoke a ciggerette or buy new clothes. and i'm sitting here drowning in self pity for absolutely no reason what so ever, becuase in all honestly my life is so much better that it has ever been.
i have one of the best of the worst egos.