my time bubble
Up until only some moments ago, I thought that I lived in a time bubble that was much faster than the rest of the world. But now that I think about it, I believe it should be the other way around. Time always seems to just fly by without me realizing it. What feels like 30 minutes to me, might actually be an hour and a half in "real" time. That's part of the reason why I am always late to things. I'll be getting ready at home and doing other little things along the way, and before I know it, it's already my appointment time, and I'm still at home.
If I want to stay in (most parts of) the US, I will have to live according to other people's notion of time. I will have to pick up the pace, get myself into a frenzy, and just accept that I will have to live in a state of raised cortisol levels most of the time. That really sucks, because I hate hurrying. I enjoy slowing down. I typically function in an unhurried state. That's what feels natural to me. But I think I have to pull myself out of what feels most comfortable to me, if I am to make progress in my life. Well, the reason why having to change my ways is important at all, is because I have to finish my damn master's. I haven't touched it in months now. I can either keep enjoying the freedom of letting my attention float to where it wants to, and of course be trapped in school forever, or I can change my life style and actually act like a student. ...to actually act like a student. I haven't done that in such a long time. Not since undergrad when I still had my nerdy boyfriend to study with, all the damn time. It was so much easier, at any of the stages before grad school, to be on track. I've become such a bum with my studies. If my study habits were a person, he'd be a quiet, frowning, stubbly-faced, stringy-haired, hunched over and weak young man, who looked 15 years older than he actually was. I've been a student all my life. Haven't made contact with the real world yet. And I am tired. I feel very studied out. All my friends are done with that life. And here I am still, thesis stored online for months, untouched and waiting. Like when I really didn't want to finish that big bowl of rice. My bowl of rice and I were shifted over to the kitchen, so that the rest of the family could go on with the rest of their evening, watching TV in the living room or talking on the phone in the bedroom or whatever else anyone wanted to do. I was strapped down in the kitchen, by my obligation to finish that big bowl of rice, which by now had only grown bigger, from the soup that I had asked them to put in it, to make the rice go down easier. And here I am now, working or surfing the net by day, going out with friends or vegging at home by night, habits that I've developed over the several years that I've lived in MN, to help make my stay here more bearable. Yes, I have successfully distracted myself to a point where living here has become much better than bearable. But I've also developed a nasty habit of just following my whims and following my attention's lead every day. So far, it hasn't brought me very close to my master's. I may work on it for a few hours one day and then not go back to it until months later. No wonder I'm still here! I don't mind it so much anymore, but I'd much rather be here out of choice, than because I still need to finish school!
Time keeps speeding along, I keep floating along, and my master's is still looming in the corner...waiting for me. And so I float in my cozy little time bubble, hands pressed against its surface when I get stressed about not having accomplished much, and then when I forget, I lie back lazily on this gentle cradle and watch with amusement and fascination as the world passes by me.
If I want to stay in (most parts of) the US, I will have to live according to other people's notion of time. I will have to pick up the pace, get myself into a frenzy, and just accept that I will have to live in a state of raised cortisol levels most of the time. That really sucks, because I hate hurrying. I enjoy slowing down. I typically function in an unhurried state. That's what feels natural to me. But I think I have to pull myself out of what feels most comfortable to me, if I am to make progress in my life. Well, the reason why having to change my ways is important at all, is because I have to finish my damn master's. I haven't touched it in months now. I can either keep enjoying the freedom of letting my attention float to where it wants to, and of course be trapped in school forever, or I can change my life style and actually act like a student. ...to actually act like a student. I haven't done that in such a long time. Not since undergrad when I still had my nerdy boyfriend to study with, all the damn time. It was so much easier, at any of the stages before grad school, to be on track. I've become such a bum with my studies. If my study habits were a person, he'd be a quiet, frowning, stubbly-faced, stringy-haired, hunched over and weak young man, who looked 15 years older than he actually was. I've been a student all my life. Haven't made contact with the real world yet. And I am tired. I feel very studied out. All my friends are done with that life. And here I am still, thesis stored online for months, untouched and waiting. Like when I really didn't want to finish that big bowl of rice. My bowl of rice and I were shifted over to the kitchen, so that the rest of the family could go on with the rest of their evening, watching TV in the living room or talking on the phone in the bedroom or whatever else anyone wanted to do. I was strapped down in the kitchen, by my obligation to finish that big bowl of rice, which by now had only grown bigger, from the soup that I had asked them to put in it, to make the rice go down easier. And here I am now, working or surfing the net by day, going out with friends or vegging at home by night, habits that I've developed over the several years that I've lived in MN, to help make my stay here more bearable. Yes, I have successfully distracted myself to a point where living here has become much better than bearable. But I've also developed a nasty habit of just following my whims and following my attention's lead every day. So far, it hasn't brought me very close to my master's. I may work on it for a few hours one day and then not go back to it until months later. No wonder I'm still here! I don't mind it so much anymore, but I'd much rather be here out of choice, than because I still need to finish school!
Time keeps speeding along, I keep floating along, and my master's is still looming in the corner...waiting for me. And so I float in my cozy little time bubble, hands pressed against its surface when I get stressed about not having accomplished much, and then when I forget, I lie back lazily on this gentle cradle and watch with amusement and fascination as the world passes by me.