so give me novocaine.....
im down. really. and i wish i could blame it on a lot of things, like jason, or my parents, or my funds right now, or blablabla. but i cant pinpoint it. i think i just live in a world of gray, where i dont let myself attach to a lot of things and i dont let myself care, i dont let people know me so their opinions wont matter, i dont trust in anything.
anything.
at
all.
i feel like maybe i grabbed ahold (stupidly i admit) to the idea my family was finally ok after all the hard times when i was younger. i finally let myself get excited and relieved at the same time that someone could make me feel again. that i cared again.
and now i hate myself for it.
im not saying it is healthy or it is right, i am just saying how it is. i shut off so fast, so fast. sometimes i think i am burned out and can never come back on. then i get glimpses, and on the inside i really hold on to those. a bit too much since my hand is blistered.
i know there is a balance somewhere, but not here. not now.
and on the outside i smile and live such a picturesque life.
the only time i feel in harmony, with myself mostly, is on that horse. it scares me how much of my emotional well being is invested in that 1200lb animal in the barn.
i tried investing in family, i tried in relationships, and those were nothing but let downs. but he hasn't, not once.
not
once.
i hate more than anything when i finally believe i have found a worthy human being in this world and you feel relieved it exists and you feel so ecstatic that there is someone who gets you and you understand.
then they just fucking blow it.
like my dad the other night, first time my entire life i thought my father was just ignorant. it made me really sad.
like jason last night. usually really mature and really just a pleasure to be around. he was an ass. and had the nerve to bring up my livejournal as if this entire thing is to hide things from him. i have a little more to my life than that.
i just want some fucking hope in something. anything. and it would be a plus if it was genuine.
anything.
at
all.
i feel like maybe i grabbed ahold (stupidly i admit) to the idea my family was finally ok after all the hard times when i was younger. i finally let myself get excited and relieved at the same time that someone could make me feel again. that i cared again.
and now i hate myself for it.
im not saying it is healthy or it is right, i am just saying how it is. i shut off so fast, so fast. sometimes i think i am burned out and can never come back on. then i get glimpses, and on the inside i really hold on to those. a bit too much since my hand is blistered.
i know there is a balance somewhere, but not here. not now.
and on the outside i smile and live such a picturesque life.
the only time i feel in harmony, with myself mostly, is on that horse. it scares me how much of my emotional well being is invested in that 1200lb animal in the barn.
i tried investing in family, i tried in relationships, and those were nothing but let downs. but he hasn't, not once.
not
once.
i hate more than anything when i finally believe i have found a worthy human being in this world and you feel relieved it exists and you feel so ecstatic that there is someone who gets you and you understand.
then they just fucking blow it.
like my dad the other night, first time my entire life i thought my father was just ignorant. it made me really sad.
like jason last night. usually really mature and really just a pleasure to be around. he was an ass. and had the nerve to bring up my livejournal as if this entire thing is to hide things from him. i have a little more to my life than that.
i just want some fucking hope in something. anything. and it would be a plus if it was genuine.