(no subject)
life goes by so slowly sometimes.then, in an instant, everything you have been planning and everything you have asked for have come and gone before you even had the chance to recognize and enjoy. tthat is what is happening to me right now. every person i have ever asked for to be in my life is, everything i have ever wanted to learn and move on from i have, everything i have dreamed of is happening. now. and im too in shock and its happening too fast for me to really comprehend, to really take in and enjoy. there are people surrounding me that comprise everything i have ever wanted in friends, companions, lovers, bosses, acquantinces. there is a representation of dreams in every moment of my life. i have to reach out and feel things right now because
i cant believe it is real.
we had a lot of people come in today for a clinic with jim. they knew me. they knew of me. they asked me how it felt to move up so fast so successfully, and i didnt know. i mean, it feels, unreal. they asked me what advice i would give people like them who aspire to things like this. i didnt know what to say. i mean, it just happened. i cant bulllshit about killing yourself for that one chance, because it all fell into my lap. i cant cry over how hard i worked to get my foot into the door, because he found me. i cant go on and on about the hard work i did to earn money to buy a horse, because i found mine dirt cheap in someones backyard. nothing has ever been this effortless. this success has just fallen on me. i have cried in lessons from frustration and i have put in my dues training everyday, but there are a million others who want what i have a million times more than me. people dream of sitting on my horse for one moment. i own him. natalie is coming out next week to use my horse for a video to help her get recruited for a riding team. hes that good. shes traveling 3 hours so she can be taped jumping him over a few jumps. and she might not ever sit on a horse that amazing again. i told her i didnt know how i could survive Radnor (the most grueling ** in the country), and she said 'because it is you, and because it is trance. its that simple.'
and i know one day i will miss all this and think i took it for granted, so now i am trying to dwell in it and enjoy it and put myself into reality to appreciate what is happening to me. but it still seems so unreal. everything about this is too perfect, the people i am around, the places we all travel, hanging out hungry and exhausted and laughing still. riding in the pouring rain so we can just get that ONE movement perfected for that ONE score that ends up allowing us....all....to win. keeping each other calm in the moments before we burst out the start box over the most challenging thing we have known, tuning each other into the fine details before dressage so we can go in calm, and precise, and make the judges jaw drop. give each other the pep talks it takes to gallop confidently through the pouring rain and wind to one of the hardest complexes we will ever do. looking each other in the eye and saying this IS possible when we all know how much the odds are against us. sitting in the barn at 10pm talking about horses as if we havent been around that all day. soaking in passion. and we are all having the time of our lives. we have wonderful passionate rides, long conversing road trips, nights filled with alcohol and romance and lust. and its all right here. i can touch it. i do. everyday. and its not that, i am so happy with myself right now. i am so healthy, i look at me and i love what i see. i love pictures because i just look happy to be alive, as myself. i feel absolutely astonishingly beautiful. and i read, and i feel like i am maturing intellectually everyday. i read about history and about holographic universe theory and about new upcoming poetry and authors and i read romance and i read politics and i read french and i read traveling diaries and i read anything and everything i can. and i touch everything i can and i study everything i can and i kiss anyone i can find to soak me into their eyes long enough for me to feel as if their lips will complete that moment. and i breathe. i lay on the ground and i close my eyes and i breathe. because i know this is special, i know this is going by too fast, i know this is the best time of my life. and i try to grasp it but it all slips away. i know right now i cannot even comprehend how wonderful my life is no matter how hard i try. but i am trying, and that's what matters.