i'm just trying to be young, i'm just trying to have fun

[cleancutfun]

yawr was spectacular. so much more than i could have ever imagined. there was no way for me to foresee how amazing that retreat would end up. and maybe because everyone was like minded, and there were no straight edge - holier than though downers. i think that was the most productive drunk i've been in my life. i also got to experience a lot more cuddling with other people and think celeste & i did a good job of separating ourselves from each other and exploring on our own. i felt like i got even closer with jake & lindsey, and really got to know alex kendall. it seemed as though we ended up together a lot and i wasn't surprised that we ended up passing out in the same bed, spooning each other. even the new kids (and yes i say kids because some where in their teens still) i really enjoyed meeting and felt like i finally got to chat up the austin folks. everything was just right, celeste even made out with this girl elissa, whom i think was a pretty huge down grade (freckle acne!) but at this point the weekend was so great i could hardly hold on to that. plus we didn't sleep together the last night, and everyone was completely hammered. i am really fortunate to have meet so many great people, and it's weird to step into this swuusi staff position and have people want to know me. but it's nice, because i want to know them too.

and all good things come to an end. i wish i could stay in that weekend forever because life at home is a bit rocky. celeste and i have countless conversations about this whole open relationship thing, and just when i think we have things settled and figured out, i end up hurting her feelings. it's hard to go about this all when she isn't putting herself out there as well.. certain things she'll be completely cool with, and others, completely heartbroken over. i don't know if i'm walking a fine line, or in the carpool lane without any passengers. i really don't want to compromise our relationship, but i know deep down inside she may not be willing to see where i'm coming from. it's just all so tricky and there are so many variables. and of course her variables come first, but now i've noticed that there are variables for the other party involved as well. i know this first "real" six months (as in we've been in this o.r. for longer, but haven't really been acting on it) is supposed to be the hardest, and i just hope that we make it through. things have been very up and down, and i think my actions may be taking a toll on her. & right now i have this gaggle of girls who like my status updates and are obviously interested in me. gah. life is so hard. and i move out on saturday and have not packed a single thing. :/

& i start my job tomorrow. and i'm nervous, and annoyed to have to work for free. last year was so care free and i'm afraid this year may suck the life out of me..