Eyes Wide Shut
I've always been fascinated by people's sleep patterns. Pher used to sleepwalk, aimlessly trudging down the hallways of the house until he found his way back to bed. Sometimes he would make a pit-stop for the bathroom or in some cases, the tin sports garbage can in his room or once over Charlie's bed (who shot awake and steered him to the toilet in time). Then there's Kim, who sleep talks. I remember being on a vacation with the family to Busch Gardens, sleeping soundly until I hear a conversation. I figure Kim and her friend, Mel are chatting into the night but when I open one bleary eye, Mel is fast asleep next to me. I lift my head off the pillow and try to focus on the figure sitting Indian style on the rug by the bathroom, light streaming onto her face, in a deep conversation with the wall. Sleep gets the best of me then and pulls me under. Of course one cannot forget Charlie's night terrors, when he awakes in a paralyzed state and screams. I'll definitely never forget the Christmas a few years ago when Pher comes in from the bathroom at 5 am and Charlie is trapped in one of the terrors. I never knew my deep-voiced older brother could ever let out a blood curdling scream that would send my other deep-voiced brother into a girly panic. "Charlie! Charlie! It's me! It's Chris! Calm down!" Merry Christmas Raab house. I hope you want to open gifts in the dark because your piss stained pjs are going to make it hard to fall back asleep.
And then, there's me. It's strange that the four of us each have had an issue with sleeping. And all of our things differed. Mine's quite interesting as well. Maybe it's because I never really shut down or stop thinking about anything but I tend to sometimes sleep with my eyes open. I never knew I did this until one day I’m woken up by Steve yammering on about breakfast. I focus my eyes. "Huh?"
He looks down at me confused. "Breakfast. I'm giving you choices for breakfast."
"You are?"
He pauses. "I woke up and you were looking at the ceiling. I started talking to you."
I shake my head. "I wasn't awake."
"But your eyes were open." And it made sense then. All those dreams I had where I am in my own room but other things are happening around me make sense. All those times the dream faded and I find myself sitting up in bed wide awake, make sense. That time I watch my room shift around me until I literally dig my hands into the bookshelf to stop it from moving only to look around very alert with a solid shelf in my hand makes sense.
I remember the first time it happens to me. I'm in early middle school years, it's after Halloween, and I have hidden my bucket full of candy under the bottom right side of my bed. The pail is chock full of goodies but ordered in how I would like to eat it. My favorite candy is on top with the crap like Charleston Chews and Now & Laters at the bottom. I'd rather eat the good stuff before my siblings get to it. I actually have placed the candy in layers with the Milky Ways on top. I'm not really hiding it from the family, just from Pher who has been trying to steal my Milky Ways since we got back from trick or treating. And Pher doesn't know how to trade for good candy. He'll throw you something he discards and thinks that you want it over the best tasting chocolate bar ever. He thinks his no-brand sucking candy is going to win him a Milky Way and then gets annoyed when you don't go for it. He even tries to win my Milky Ways by playing me in marbles. (At this point, we're in the middle of going through a marbles stage because I brought home a purple velvet bag of ducks and two shiny new shooters from the Nature Store in October.)
In my dream, I'm sitting up on my bed staring down at Pher who has my marble bag in front of him. He's negotiating Milky Ways for my marbles back. I'm incredulous. "You can't trade me something that's mine for something that's mine!" I shout at him. He points angrily at the bag then at my pail under my bed. How'd he know they were there?! I start yelling at him to give me my marbles back and he grunts at me from the floor asking for Milky Ways. At this point he looks behind him and he's scared. He jumps up when dad appears in his doorway and starts making his way to my room. Pher snatches the marbles and jumps behind the door. "Hey! Give me my marbles back!" Dad comes into my room and asks me to be quiet. I start whining about my marbles and the Milky Ways and explain the situation to a puzzled dad. I'm flushed and heated and angry that dad's not doing anything about this situation. My poor father is looking at me groggily and checks for Pher behind my door just to placate me. I don't believe him and spring out of bed and check myself. I'm expecting to see my bag of marbles back there but it's just rug space. Dad goes to make sure Chris is asleep, which he is and tells me to go back to bed. It was just a dream.
But, I saw Pher. And I saw dad. My eyes were open. I was blinking. How can that happen? Who knows, all I know is that it seems pretty cool. Sometimes I'm aware it's happening, sometimes I'm not. Last night, I am not.
I'm out from under the sheets and on my knees within a split second. I'm not sure how on earth I can move that fast or what I'm moving from but I have a feeling this isn't the first movement I made since my eyes have been open. They dart around the room, not sure what they're scanning for but they rest on him. My heart clamps and I can't breathe. I feel the need to reach out and touch him. If I touch him, he'll wake up. He has to. This need, this itch to put my hands on his back gently, it's making me want to cry. This desire to wake him up can't be good. I must be dreaming something horrible to think that he's not able to move anymore.
But I need that reassurance. I need for him to wake up. My hand reaches out and I'm having these thoughts I can't control. They're flashing in my head rapidly, showing me things I fear, things I have obsessional thoughts about. My life without those I love. My life without him. I'm suffocating. Reach. Reach.
I touch him slightly and he lifts his head and blinks at me. I ask him if he's okay. He is. I feel his shoulder. He's here. He's up. He’s looking at me. I try to explain what I saw. "You were laying there weird. No pillows or sheets. I just-" I see the pillows tucked underneath him in his arms and the sheets are kicked off because his skin is warm to the touch. It all seems so silly to me now. There's a logical explanation to the way he's sleeping. I feel bad I woke him up in the middle of the night. What was I honestly thinking? Did I really think that?!
He's staring at me now, waiting for an answer. The only thing I really have to say is, "I have to pee." I bound out of bed as if I've been awake forever as he sighs and turns over to sleep again. When I come back I stare at him. Why do I see these things at night? It's weird, I think seeing my fears about my future while I'm asleep makes me realize what I am most passionate about. I learn what I truly desire whether it's a creamy delicious treat or the man I absolutely adore, these illusions I see before me might actually mean something.
I guess I just dream with my eyes open.
And then, there's me. It's strange that the four of us each have had an issue with sleeping. And all of our things differed. Mine's quite interesting as well. Maybe it's because I never really shut down or stop thinking about anything but I tend to sometimes sleep with my eyes open. I never knew I did this until one day I’m woken up by Steve yammering on about breakfast. I focus my eyes. "Huh?"
He looks down at me confused. "Breakfast. I'm giving you choices for breakfast."
"You are?"
He pauses. "I woke up and you were looking at the ceiling. I started talking to you."
I shake my head. "I wasn't awake."
"But your eyes were open." And it made sense then. All those dreams I had where I am in my own room but other things are happening around me make sense. All those times the dream faded and I find myself sitting up in bed wide awake, make sense. That time I watch my room shift around me until I literally dig my hands into the bookshelf to stop it from moving only to look around very alert with a solid shelf in my hand makes sense.
I remember the first time it happens to me. I'm in early middle school years, it's after Halloween, and I have hidden my bucket full of candy under the bottom right side of my bed. The pail is chock full of goodies but ordered in how I would like to eat it. My favorite candy is on top with the crap like Charleston Chews and Now & Laters at the bottom. I'd rather eat the good stuff before my siblings get to it. I actually have placed the candy in layers with the Milky Ways on top. I'm not really hiding it from the family, just from Pher who has been trying to steal my Milky Ways since we got back from trick or treating. And Pher doesn't know how to trade for good candy. He'll throw you something he discards and thinks that you want it over the best tasting chocolate bar ever. He thinks his no-brand sucking candy is going to win him a Milky Way and then gets annoyed when you don't go for it. He even tries to win my Milky Ways by playing me in marbles. (At this point, we're in the middle of going through a marbles stage because I brought home a purple velvet bag of ducks and two shiny new shooters from the Nature Store in October.)
In my dream, I'm sitting up on my bed staring down at Pher who has my marble bag in front of him. He's negotiating Milky Ways for my marbles back. I'm incredulous. "You can't trade me something that's mine for something that's mine!" I shout at him. He points angrily at the bag then at my pail under my bed. How'd he know they were there?! I start yelling at him to give me my marbles back and he grunts at me from the floor asking for Milky Ways. At this point he looks behind him and he's scared. He jumps up when dad appears in his doorway and starts making his way to my room. Pher snatches the marbles and jumps behind the door. "Hey! Give me my marbles back!" Dad comes into my room and asks me to be quiet. I start whining about my marbles and the Milky Ways and explain the situation to a puzzled dad. I'm flushed and heated and angry that dad's not doing anything about this situation. My poor father is looking at me groggily and checks for Pher behind my door just to placate me. I don't believe him and spring out of bed and check myself. I'm expecting to see my bag of marbles back there but it's just rug space. Dad goes to make sure Chris is asleep, which he is and tells me to go back to bed. It was just a dream.
But, I saw Pher. And I saw dad. My eyes were open. I was blinking. How can that happen? Who knows, all I know is that it seems pretty cool. Sometimes I'm aware it's happening, sometimes I'm not. Last night, I am not.
I'm out from under the sheets and on my knees within a split second. I'm not sure how on earth I can move that fast or what I'm moving from but I have a feeling this isn't the first movement I made since my eyes have been open. They dart around the room, not sure what they're scanning for but they rest on him. My heart clamps and I can't breathe. I feel the need to reach out and touch him. If I touch him, he'll wake up. He has to. This need, this itch to put my hands on his back gently, it's making me want to cry. This desire to wake him up can't be good. I must be dreaming something horrible to think that he's not able to move anymore.
But I need that reassurance. I need for him to wake up. My hand reaches out and I'm having these thoughts I can't control. They're flashing in my head rapidly, showing me things I fear, things I have obsessional thoughts about. My life without those I love. My life without him. I'm suffocating. Reach. Reach.
I touch him slightly and he lifts his head and blinks at me. I ask him if he's okay. He is. I feel his shoulder. He's here. He's up. He’s looking at me. I try to explain what I saw. "You were laying there weird. No pillows or sheets. I just-" I see the pillows tucked underneath him in his arms and the sheets are kicked off because his skin is warm to the touch. It all seems so silly to me now. There's a logical explanation to the way he's sleeping. I feel bad I woke him up in the middle of the night. What was I honestly thinking? Did I really think that?!
He's staring at me now, waiting for an answer. The only thing I really have to say is, "I have to pee." I bound out of bed as if I've been awake forever as he sighs and turns over to sleep again. When I come back I stare at him. Why do I see these things at night? It's weird, I think seeing my fears about my future while I'm asleep makes me realize what I am most passionate about. I learn what I truly desire whether it's a creamy delicious treat or the man I absolutely adore, these illusions I see before me might actually mean something.
I guess I just dream with my eyes open.