Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull of Suck
*SPOILER ALERT!! And I mean SPOILER ALERT!! Like I'm going to ruin the entire movie for you, SPOILER ALERT!!*
He warns me. And instead of heeding his warning I go and see it anyway. My cousin, Matt, upon hearing that I want to catch the new Indiana Jones flick, proceeds to tell me not to. In fact, his exact words are: "It's good until the point when George Lucas shits all over it."
Okay, I'll give George Lucas Star Wars but ONLY Star Wars. It's an interesting concept and story line with likeable creatures/characters. The graphics are amazing for that decade so Lucas really pushes the envelope for sci-fi movies. Empire Strikes Back bored me so I never bother to see the next one. Then Lucas realizes he can never make a film unless it relates to Star Wars so he goes back to the drawing board and creates prequels. The only reason I watch the first "episode" is because I am led to believe Ewan McGregor is naked in every movie he does so I excitedly pick it up at Blockbuster. Needless to say, this is the first movie of his where there is no penis shot or any kind of nudity and I grumpily return it. The only reason I get forced into watching the second "episode" is that Naughty tells me they tie Ewan McGregor up in a compromising position. Needless to say, not compromising enough, therefore I refuse to watch any more of these things. I think a third "episode" comes out and normally I would go on I'm a Douche Bag.com (imdb) and find out the facts before publishing this entry but I really don't care enough to do so. The point of this tangent is to let you know that I'm not a fan of George Lucas' work. You can hate me if you want for not licking his balls for creating this gigantic cult classic. You can try to accuse me for just not understanding sci-fi but you can't because I like sci-fi especially Mystery Science Theater. Don't get me wrong, I do think Star Wars is cool and I even played the crash symbols in Symphonic Band when we did the main score for the pep rally; I just don't think it should have been extended ten more movies.
So when I hear that he is teaming up with Spielberg for this I have the suspicion it will end up like all his other one-themed movies end up.
I love the Indiana Jones movies even the one with Sean Connery. My favorite is Temple of Doom because honestly, what child would not like the part when someone's heart is ripped out of their chest and still beating Edgar Allen Poe style? And the tunnel of bugs? EEEEK! I still contemplate if someone I know is trapped in a room of spikes closing in on them if I would grab the release latch that is covered in bugs? Probably….maybe…..not.
Seeing Harrison Ford try to gallop through his scenes in the beginning set the mood for the entire piece for me. He's way too old to be doing this. He has that old man stagger when he runs. It's like the editing people shot him running a few steps every hour and spliced it all together to look like he sprinted in one shot. Though I have to say I like the 80's effect of the CGI and lighting; they keep it close to the originals making it flow nicely even though there's a big 20 year gap in between the films.
When the kid shows up I already know the secret of him. I already know who his mom is and I already know who his daddy is. It's so obvious that it smacks you in the face and calls you stupid for not picking it up in the movie previews during American Idol this year. Hate hate hate the fact they resort to a ridiculously easy plotline. Kudos for getting Karen Allen back (and yes, I admit, I used imdb for that one). Though I am getting into the movie as it progresses, it's so...Indiana Jones! I love the fighting scenes and the fake cobwebs leading up to the treasure but goddammit! I almost hurl Paul at the screen when they uncover it. It pretty much ruins the hour and a half that’s left. Anytime the dumb skull isn't shown, I return to liking the movie and in my mind try to prolong the inevitable. I try to tell myself, no, there's no way they're going to mess up a good trilogy. There's no way that they are going to possibly let this silliness continue. There's no way that elongated crystal skull is shaped like a mother fucking ALIEN HEAD!!!!!!
YES! THAT’S RIGHT! ALIENS! ALIENS IN AN INDIANA JONES FILM! ALIEEEENNNNNSSSS!!!!! AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!! Furious. I'm furious! I feel like I have been duped. I am under the assumption from the cardboard cut-out in the movie lobby for months that this movie would be kick-ass. We talk about it for months. We plan on seeing it the moment I get off the plane from Ireland (because Pher plans his wedding around his schedule and not cool things like the AI finale or opening weekend of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Crap). But aliens? Aliens?!
He warns me. And instead of heeding his warning I go and see it anyway. My cousin, Matt, upon hearing that I want to catch the new Indiana Jones flick, proceeds to tell me not to. In fact, his exact words are: "It's good until the point when George Lucas shits all over it."
Okay, I'll give George Lucas Star Wars but ONLY Star Wars. It's an interesting concept and story line with likeable creatures/characters. The graphics are amazing for that decade so Lucas really pushes the envelope for sci-fi movies. Empire Strikes Back bored me so I never bother to see the next one. Then Lucas realizes he can never make a film unless it relates to Star Wars so he goes back to the drawing board and creates prequels. The only reason I watch the first "episode" is because I am led to believe Ewan McGregor is naked in every movie he does so I excitedly pick it up at Blockbuster. Needless to say, this is the first movie of his where there is no penis shot or any kind of nudity and I grumpily return it. The only reason I get forced into watching the second "episode" is that Naughty tells me they tie Ewan McGregor up in a compromising position. Needless to say, not compromising enough, therefore I refuse to watch any more of these things. I think a third "episode" comes out and normally I would go on I'm a Douche Bag.com (imdb) and find out the facts before publishing this entry but I really don't care enough to do so. The point of this tangent is to let you know that I'm not a fan of George Lucas' work. You can hate me if you want for not licking his balls for creating this gigantic cult classic. You can try to accuse me for just not understanding sci-fi but you can't because I like sci-fi especially Mystery Science Theater. Don't get me wrong, I do think Star Wars is cool and I even played the crash symbols in Symphonic Band when we did the main score for the pep rally; I just don't think it should have been extended ten more movies.
So when I hear that he is teaming up with Spielberg for this I have the suspicion it will end up like all his other one-themed movies end up.
I love the Indiana Jones movies even the one with Sean Connery. My favorite is Temple of Doom because honestly, what child would not like the part when someone's heart is ripped out of their chest and still beating Edgar Allen Poe style? And the tunnel of bugs? EEEEK! I still contemplate if someone I know is trapped in a room of spikes closing in on them if I would grab the release latch that is covered in bugs? Probably….maybe…..not.
Seeing Harrison Ford try to gallop through his scenes in the beginning set the mood for the entire piece for me. He's way too old to be doing this. He has that old man stagger when he runs. It's like the editing people shot him running a few steps every hour and spliced it all together to look like he sprinted in one shot. Though I have to say I like the 80's effect of the CGI and lighting; they keep it close to the originals making it flow nicely even though there's a big 20 year gap in between the films.
When the kid shows up I already know the secret of him. I already know who his mom is and I already know who his daddy is. It's so obvious that it smacks you in the face and calls you stupid for not picking it up in the movie previews during American Idol this year. Hate hate hate the fact they resort to a ridiculously easy plotline. Kudos for getting Karen Allen back (and yes, I admit, I used imdb for that one). Though I am getting into the movie as it progresses, it's so...Indiana Jones! I love the fighting scenes and the fake cobwebs leading up to the treasure but goddammit! I almost hurl Paul at the screen when they uncover it. It pretty much ruins the hour and a half that’s left. Anytime the dumb skull isn't shown, I return to liking the movie and in my mind try to prolong the inevitable. I try to tell myself, no, there's no way they're going to mess up a good trilogy. There's no way that they are going to possibly let this silliness continue. There's no way that elongated crystal skull is shaped like a mother fucking ALIEN HEAD!!!!!!
YES! THAT’S RIGHT! ALIENS! ALIENS IN AN INDIANA JONES FILM! ALIEEEENNNNNSSSS!!!!! AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!! Furious. I'm furious! I feel like I have been duped. I am under the assumption from the cardboard cut-out in the movie lobby for months that this movie would be kick-ass. We talk about it for months. We plan on seeing it the moment I get off the plane from Ireland (because Pher plans his wedding around his schedule and not cool things like the AI finale or opening weekend of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Crap). But aliens? Aliens?!