Nice To Meet You Anyway
I quit Genesis. I quit Genesis because I was spit on. I did not quit Genesis when I was bitten so badly that I needed to be administered a tetanus shot and had a visible bruise for five months. I did not quit Genesis when I had to accompany teenagers into the bathroom to help them. I did not quit Genesis when I was kicked, hit, scratched, elbowed, pushed, head butt, and had my hair pulled. I quit Genesis because I was spit on by someone who knew better. Spit, not even pee, would be the breaking point for me. There is something so vile and degrading about being spat upon. I feel like I failed the rest of the kids somehow, that I could not bring myself to rise above this incident.
I currently have a one-to-one. I know you're not supposed to have a favorite in your classroom but I can't help it. I'm working with him at the moment and keeping a watchful eye over the other two while they complete independent tasks. I've already had to verbally prompt one of them because he is showing signs that lead up to a major behavior. I'm trying to distract him from potentially hurting himself while teaching another. Steve and Sofi have the corner kids, the group home buddies, and both students seem to be having a good day. The teacher, Hester, is detained at the moment with the problem student in another room, the one that spit on me and everybody else that works in our room yesterday, so Steve's in charge. As things start to heat up for the student with the behavior, a useless administrator appears in the doorway. She needs Steve because the problem student has requested to work with him. This is the second time he is going to leave us and I'm upset because the first time he was requested, the problem student spit all over him. So basically administration is using Steve as a punching bag because they cannot figure out a way to quell this kid's behavior. This kid is higher functioning than some "typical" kids I know and he can actually control his behavior he just chooses not too. I know this because he said this to me before trying to spit in my face yesterday. He's a product of bad parenting as far as I'm concerned and I never really liked him to begin with. His father has made him into a chauvinist little version of himself and it bothers me he's been placed in this school because he's just taking up space for a child with autism that really needs us. So at this point I have had it. I'm over worked and under paid and I know the second Steve leaves the room and I'm by myself with two one-to-ones and two other kids, the major behavior is going to happen and I won't be able to stop it on my own. I look at Steve and simply say, "Don't go. You know he's just going to try and come after you and we need you in here more." Well, useless administrator hears this and files it away for when she can use it against me. And just like I predicted, the second Steve walks away from his one-to-one, the major behavior happens. I spring into action and go to prompt his hands down and call out Steve's name. In a flash Steve's next to me, helping calm down the student before he can do anymore damage to himself. The useless administrator disappears and two minutes later when the room is back in order, the administrator that I actually respect and like, calls me out of the classroom.
She scolds me for what I said to Steve. Of course my words have been misconstrued by useless administrator and now the one talking to me thinks I'm sabotaging what they are trying to do about the current situation of the problem child. I try to explain that I am looking out for my team and that we need more help in the classroom since Sofi is in and out with her group home kid and that would leave me by myself with four students. I'm good but I'm not good enough to handle a situation where two kids have the potential to hurt themselves at the same time. It's an attention issue with one so if he goes off and I help, she could fall to the floor just to get me back over to her. I did not want this happening that's why I said what I did. That and I think the whole situation is ridiculous and could be avoided if problem student’s behavior plan is rewritten. This problem child can be integrated with typical middle school children but he's so used to getting everything he wants so why would he actually want to challenge himself and do regular school work? He knows how much he can get away with, why go anywhere but Genesis? He is very smart and has huge potential but he's a teenage boy and he doesn't feel like doing what is expected of him. He can tell you the day you were born if you tell him your birthdate. He can have a full detailed conversation about what happened during yesterday's sports game but he can't stop hitting you? I don't buy it. I don't buy it because when his father walked in yesterday all behavior ceased and he looked worried. But he didn't get punished. He doesn't have consequences for his behavior because his parents suck. And then his dad had the nerve to say thank you to me as I'm walking out the door to go home and scald myself in a shower and burn the clothes his kid spit on and miss my home program with a kid I absolutely adore. Thank you? Does your kid spit on you? And if he did what would you do? Nothing? I doubt it, asshole.
My case is overruled and nothing I say means anything because bottom line, he has autism. He's very high on the spectrum but it doesn't matter, he has autism. He doesn't know any better. I sigh and stop talking. He does know better. The kid has autism but he's far from stupid. I guess this is called playing the autism card just like I used to play the asthma card to get out of gym in high school. There's no way around any type of card whether it's a cancer card or disability card, once it's thrown the conversation is over. The card trumps everything.
To be pulled out of a classroom to be scolded like a child is not only humiliating but unreasonable. I am a good teacher. I know how to handle some of the toughest behavior. What is the point of being trained in ABA if my opinion cannot be heard? I believe I am looking out for the welfare of the children in my possession as well as the staff left in the room. If that's not being a team player, then I don't know what else is. I go back into the classroom, so much emotion coursing through my veins at the moment. Sofi and Steve want to know what was said. I give them both the gist but meet neither of their eyes. I can feel the heat rising in me. I'm not sure if the heat will turn to rage or tears but if I can just concentrate on my one-to-one I'll be okay for the time being. I'll break at lunch. If I can just make it until 130. It'll be hard but I can hold out these next few hours. I am thankful my next shift is with Sofi's group home kid. I love this kid. I love all the kids in the room with the exception of the problem student. When my shift is up I fight with Steve to keep him. It's Steve's turn but this particular student is keeping me together at the moment so if I switch now, I realize the heat is going to be tears and I'm not breaking down in the halls of Genesis. I'm so defeated at this point that they start to roll down my cheeks and my eyes are fixed on the student's task and his reinforcer. Steve stands next to me and tries to take him from me one more time but I bark at him to let me have him or else I might loose it. Steve knows when I can't look at you there is something terribly wrong. I'm either angry with you or I just want to be left alone because I'm about to break down. Steve knows I'm not angry so he lets me keep my one-to-one. My love for him grows even more at this moment because of his understanding nature I have just witnessed.
At lunch Steve lets me sit in his car and break down. I sob uncontrollably in his passenger seat. Man, it is so much easier to be physically hurt than mentally beat down. How could I work in a place where administration tattles on their good employees? Now I understand why there is such a high-rate of turnover at this place. There is only so much a human being can take before enough is enough. I am told I can switch rooms if I cannot handle this problem child. Oh I can handle him, I just don't think his parents can and if they won't take action to fix his behavior it will never change no matter what we do. I don't want to switch rooms. I love the staff and the kids, why would I want to switch? The only other place they would put me is in an equally hard room so I would prefer to stay where I know the hard kids already. They trust me. They like me. I'm a good worker that volunteers to have the harder children on field trips. I enjoy them. I'm sure I would be this way in a new room but only after working in there for five, six months and I'm just not willing to put in my time here anymore if I'm going to be treated like this. Not after what happened today and certainly not after what happened at afterschool this month either. Being blamed for an accident that was in no way shape or form my fault. I quit that program swiftly and no one had the balls to come up to me face to face and try to stop me because they knew they were wrong.
So I make the decision to quit Genesis as Steve comes to check on me after twenty minutes. He knows it's over by the look on my face and that's what sucks. I met Steve at this place. On December 5, 2005 my whole world changed and Steve took part in changing it. I did not know then I would date Steve but that was the first thing I thought about him at the end of my first day. Sofi's cool, Hester is really nice, Keri is well-liked, Cathy is motherly, and I'd date Steve. Maybe it was spending all that time with him, working side by side, talking hockey, laughing with the kids, and being able to understand where the other is going during a SCIP maneuver without speaking a word. We went from being co-workers to friends to online chat buddies during our insomnia to secretly dating to openly dating. We came so far in this place, becoming who we were originally before bad things jaded us, me during college, him during childhood. We grew together and now I am going to leave him behind here and it kills me.
I became a better person by working with children with autism. I have more patience and I view things differently and enjoy life more. I don't worry about the little things anymore and I appreciate the gifts God has given me. I tell Hannah and Jenny I know I should leave but I don't want to. I really do love doing this but I'm sick of being paid nothing for something that is so meaningful. “I’m going to be so easily replaced.” They correct me. I’ll be replaced physically but no one will replace my personality in the room.
I still work with my home programs during the week and I am grateful Genesis gives me that opportunity to do so. A few weeks ago they finally find my replacement. It's tough hearing the news but I start trying to move on from Genesis. Yesterday Steve informs me they take my picture down off the "Team" board Hester made for the classroom in the summer. It's a baseball theme and the students are the positions on the field and the staff are coaches. For some reason, taking me off as the first base coach to put the new girl in my spot kind of hurts. It's like the last thing that ties me to the classroom. Of course there's the Waldo puzzle hanging above the computers that Steve and I made together but I'm no longer a presence in the room. I know it's time to let go, I no longer work there. My parking spot is someone else's now. I have been replaced.
I quit Genesis. And sometimes when I'm working at the Surge, I wish I can take it back.
I currently have a one-to-one. I know you're not supposed to have a favorite in your classroom but I can't help it. I'm working with him at the moment and keeping a watchful eye over the other two while they complete independent tasks. I've already had to verbally prompt one of them because he is showing signs that lead up to a major behavior. I'm trying to distract him from potentially hurting himself while teaching another. Steve and Sofi have the corner kids, the group home buddies, and both students seem to be having a good day. The teacher, Hester, is detained at the moment with the problem student in another room, the one that spit on me and everybody else that works in our room yesterday, so Steve's in charge. As things start to heat up for the student with the behavior, a useless administrator appears in the doorway. She needs Steve because the problem student has requested to work with him. This is the second time he is going to leave us and I'm upset because the first time he was requested, the problem student spit all over him. So basically administration is using Steve as a punching bag because they cannot figure out a way to quell this kid's behavior. This kid is higher functioning than some "typical" kids I know and he can actually control his behavior he just chooses not too. I know this because he said this to me before trying to spit in my face yesterday. He's a product of bad parenting as far as I'm concerned and I never really liked him to begin with. His father has made him into a chauvinist little version of himself and it bothers me he's been placed in this school because he's just taking up space for a child with autism that really needs us. So at this point I have had it. I'm over worked and under paid and I know the second Steve leaves the room and I'm by myself with two one-to-ones and two other kids, the major behavior is going to happen and I won't be able to stop it on my own. I look at Steve and simply say, "Don't go. You know he's just going to try and come after you and we need you in here more." Well, useless administrator hears this and files it away for when she can use it against me. And just like I predicted, the second Steve walks away from his one-to-one, the major behavior happens. I spring into action and go to prompt his hands down and call out Steve's name. In a flash Steve's next to me, helping calm down the student before he can do anymore damage to himself. The useless administrator disappears and two minutes later when the room is back in order, the administrator that I actually respect and like, calls me out of the classroom.
She scolds me for what I said to Steve. Of course my words have been misconstrued by useless administrator and now the one talking to me thinks I'm sabotaging what they are trying to do about the current situation of the problem child. I try to explain that I am looking out for my team and that we need more help in the classroom since Sofi is in and out with her group home kid and that would leave me by myself with four students. I'm good but I'm not good enough to handle a situation where two kids have the potential to hurt themselves at the same time. It's an attention issue with one so if he goes off and I help, she could fall to the floor just to get me back over to her. I did not want this happening that's why I said what I did. That and I think the whole situation is ridiculous and could be avoided if problem student’s behavior plan is rewritten. This problem child can be integrated with typical middle school children but he's so used to getting everything he wants so why would he actually want to challenge himself and do regular school work? He knows how much he can get away with, why go anywhere but Genesis? He is very smart and has huge potential but he's a teenage boy and he doesn't feel like doing what is expected of him. He can tell you the day you were born if you tell him your birthdate. He can have a full detailed conversation about what happened during yesterday's sports game but he can't stop hitting you? I don't buy it. I don't buy it because when his father walked in yesterday all behavior ceased and he looked worried. But he didn't get punished. He doesn't have consequences for his behavior because his parents suck. And then his dad had the nerve to say thank you to me as I'm walking out the door to go home and scald myself in a shower and burn the clothes his kid spit on and miss my home program with a kid I absolutely adore. Thank you? Does your kid spit on you? And if he did what would you do? Nothing? I doubt it, asshole.
My case is overruled and nothing I say means anything because bottom line, he has autism. He's very high on the spectrum but it doesn't matter, he has autism. He doesn't know any better. I sigh and stop talking. He does know better. The kid has autism but he's far from stupid. I guess this is called playing the autism card just like I used to play the asthma card to get out of gym in high school. There's no way around any type of card whether it's a cancer card or disability card, once it's thrown the conversation is over. The card trumps everything.
To be pulled out of a classroom to be scolded like a child is not only humiliating but unreasonable. I am a good teacher. I know how to handle some of the toughest behavior. What is the point of being trained in ABA if my opinion cannot be heard? I believe I am looking out for the welfare of the children in my possession as well as the staff left in the room. If that's not being a team player, then I don't know what else is. I go back into the classroom, so much emotion coursing through my veins at the moment. Sofi and Steve want to know what was said. I give them both the gist but meet neither of their eyes. I can feel the heat rising in me. I'm not sure if the heat will turn to rage or tears but if I can just concentrate on my one-to-one I'll be okay for the time being. I'll break at lunch. If I can just make it until 130. It'll be hard but I can hold out these next few hours. I am thankful my next shift is with Sofi's group home kid. I love this kid. I love all the kids in the room with the exception of the problem student. When my shift is up I fight with Steve to keep him. It's Steve's turn but this particular student is keeping me together at the moment so if I switch now, I realize the heat is going to be tears and I'm not breaking down in the halls of Genesis. I'm so defeated at this point that they start to roll down my cheeks and my eyes are fixed on the student's task and his reinforcer. Steve stands next to me and tries to take him from me one more time but I bark at him to let me have him or else I might loose it. Steve knows when I can't look at you there is something terribly wrong. I'm either angry with you or I just want to be left alone because I'm about to break down. Steve knows I'm not angry so he lets me keep my one-to-one. My love for him grows even more at this moment because of his understanding nature I have just witnessed.
At lunch Steve lets me sit in his car and break down. I sob uncontrollably in his passenger seat. Man, it is so much easier to be physically hurt than mentally beat down. How could I work in a place where administration tattles on their good employees? Now I understand why there is such a high-rate of turnover at this place. There is only so much a human being can take before enough is enough. I am told I can switch rooms if I cannot handle this problem child. Oh I can handle him, I just don't think his parents can and if they won't take action to fix his behavior it will never change no matter what we do. I don't want to switch rooms. I love the staff and the kids, why would I want to switch? The only other place they would put me is in an equally hard room so I would prefer to stay where I know the hard kids already. They trust me. They like me. I'm a good worker that volunteers to have the harder children on field trips. I enjoy them. I'm sure I would be this way in a new room but only after working in there for five, six months and I'm just not willing to put in my time here anymore if I'm going to be treated like this. Not after what happened today and certainly not after what happened at afterschool this month either. Being blamed for an accident that was in no way shape or form my fault. I quit that program swiftly and no one had the balls to come up to me face to face and try to stop me because they knew they were wrong.
So I make the decision to quit Genesis as Steve comes to check on me after twenty minutes. He knows it's over by the look on my face and that's what sucks. I met Steve at this place. On December 5, 2005 my whole world changed and Steve took part in changing it. I did not know then I would date Steve but that was the first thing I thought about him at the end of my first day. Sofi's cool, Hester is really nice, Keri is well-liked, Cathy is motherly, and I'd date Steve. Maybe it was spending all that time with him, working side by side, talking hockey, laughing with the kids, and being able to understand where the other is going during a SCIP maneuver without speaking a word. We went from being co-workers to friends to online chat buddies during our insomnia to secretly dating to openly dating. We came so far in this place, becoming who we were originally before bad things jaded us, me during college, him during childhood. We grew together and now I am going to leave him behind here and it kills me.
I became a better person by working with children with autism. I have more patience and I view things differently and enjoy life more. I don't worry about the little things anymore and I appreciate the gifts God has given me. I tell Hannah and Jenny I know I should leave but I don't want to. I really do love doing this but I'm sick of being paid nothing for something that is so meaningful. “I’m going to be so easily replaced.” They correct me. I’ll be replaced physically but no one will replace my personality in the room.
I still work with my home programs during the week and I am grateful Genesis gives me that opportunity to do so. A few weeks ago they finally find my replacement. It's tough hearing the news but I start trying to move on from Genesis. Yesterday Steve informs me they take my picture down off the "Team" board Hester made for the classroom in the summer. It's a baseball theme and the students are the positions on the field and the staff are coaches. For some reason, taking me off as the first base coach to put the new girl in my spot kind of hurts. It's like the last thing that ties me to the classroom. Of course there's the Waldo puzzle hanging above the computers that Steve and I made together but I'm no longer a presence in the room. I know it's time to let go, I no longer work there. My parking spot is someone else's now. I have been replaced.
I quit Genesis. And sometimes when I'm working at the Surge, I wish I can take it back.