part 2, old entries
Tuesday, March 11th, 2003
1:49 pm - finally, a conclusion Protected
I'll start out this post with the following: Only a few people are seeing this post, so if you are seeing it, it is safe to assume you likely don't know anyone else who is seeing it. That said I'd apreciate it if it stayed that way.
Past few weeks I've been going back and forth between ups and downs. It has been driving me crazy. It is a pattern I've beeen repeating for a good part of my life, and frankly it doesn't seem healthy the extremes I go through, at least the downs. I am going to attempt to figure out why the hell I keep feeling majorly depressed. I came to this conclusion as I was lying in my bed skipping all my classes today. Below is my to-do list for today:
1) Do all of my homework, get ahead a bit even...study even though I have no upcoming exam
2) figure out why i can't check my application status at Univ of Wisc
3) check to see if I have recieved anything from Univ. of Minn.
4) Set up an apointment with UH pyschological services
5) Go to gym
6) do other productive things, not until I feel like I've actually gotten something done will I feel easy about relaxing
7) sleep
current mood: determined
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Sunday, March 9th, 2003
3:18 am - too many random journals
I have too many random journals. I'd love to consolidate them all to one place, but thats not easily done, so I'll link them all here in each of my journals. I currently am using livejournal primarily, then agian over 50% of my posts are private entries because I'm either too paranoid about what ppl will think about my thoughts or they are about other ppl and things I don't want other ppl to know....
deadjournal
ujournal
livejournal
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Tuesday, February 18th, 2003
2:19 am - livejournal
I have a livejournal now, here
current music: NoArtist - Track 14
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Friday, February 7th, 2003
12:18 am - 1000 peices of glass Protected
ok, well some of the dearest ppl in the world to me...there world seems to consit of 1000 peices of glass trying to reassemble themselves, except the glass is sharp and keeps cutting the other peices of glass. One friend of mine tried to kill himself. I still call him a friend. I care about the guy beyond belief. I have not really spoken with him since midway through my senior year in high school. The only information about him I get is from friends. I am trying to figure out why I am so upset about this. Is it because I still care about him or is it because one of the best people in the world cares about him still and when shit happens to him, it affects her.....
on the other hand, another friends life is turning around and going well. I admit I am a bit envious as well as happy for her.
running is good, it makes me feel good. I ran around the quadrangle and it calmed me down quite a bit :)
current mood: enrage - wait no, now relaxed
current music: Cream - I Feel Free
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Saturday, February 1st, 2003
8:06 pm - myself and my actions Protected
I found myself asking the question "why am I so nervous in public places or at least why am I so unsure of myself?" I was swing dancing tonight and danced with only a few people because I was too afraid to ask other people to dance 99% of the time. It truly is sad. I always feel anxious in public places or pretty much any time when I'm not around people I trust. I am always concious of what others think of me. I am like this in any large group for the most part. In the honors college I am almost always trying to figure out what others percieve of me or if not that I wonder why I am sitting there and not doing anything/talking to anyone, and I think I know why. Maybe someday I'll get over it.
current music: -
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Tuesday, January 28th, 2003
11:14 pm - hmm
those that read this on a semi-regular basis, I am announcing right now that as of late I have been overly emotional and moody for little to no reason. I state this more as a warning that it will probably continue and I appologize ahead of time for doing/saying crap that will offend.
current mood: moody
current music: OMD - If You Leave
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10:01 pm - I've done something now Private
I have this dreadful feeling that I've done something to royally pss of rachael. I am not quite certain what it is, but whenever I'm around her, I get this really weird vibe from her. *sigh* She changed a post in her journal from friends only to private, I can't quite figure out if one reference was to me or not, either way I'll take that the journal wasn't originally intended for my eyes. *sigh* I am guessing that she picked up on the fact that I liked her more than just a friend and she is a bit freaked out by that. I am more then willing to live as friends, in fact I am resolute in my resolve not to pursue friends as anything more then friends, it just leads to trouble 100% of the time. The jokes she makes are as always only half jokes. I am also possibly reading way too much into this. Either way.
Ginger is once again single, and I have a feeling I know why as well, damn me and refusal to give up thinking about her. Hopefully the girl I am trying to get a date with will work out, that will be a _very_ nice escape and quick and easy way out of this akward situation.
I still need to finish my University of Minnesota Application. I still need to start filling out financial aid applications. I feel like I am running away from problems in houston and I also feel like certain things houston is not capable of providing for me. I need a better environment, then again everyboyd makes there own environment for themselves. I am trying to figure out if I am simply wanting to create a blank slate, but I know that logically thats impossible, but that isn't preventing me from trying. I feel like so much of my world is clouded with uncertainty. I always act weird when so much of my world is clouded, or is it that the world is beginning to clear up a bit and now I am being forced to look and see what is there?
I'm gonna go play pool, read the republic some more, clean up my room, and go to bed. I don't know if I'm going to continue avoiding people. I've succesfully done that for 5 days and the effecct is not good, but hanging out with ppl just causes stress. I mean I hanng around people and I interact with them with so much falseness in interactions that it drives me crazy. People I don't want to avoid are the ones I'm most afraid of talking to because I don't know what the status of our relationship is. Oh well life will happen, back to my original plan
I am exuding nervousness and am absorbing nervousness from friends BLAH
current mood: sullen
current music: Eric Clapton - My Fathers Eyes
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Sunday, January 26th, 2003
10:50 pm - random thoughts
I am constatly tired as of late, my guess is that the reason lies in the fact I feel the need to overload my life and take many things in my life way too seriously and others not seriously enough. thats life. I'm thinking i'm going to take a break from many things for awhile and concentrate on one or two things only.
I saw the play Who's afraid of Virginia Wolfe tonight; the play is highly disturbing and I guess I saw too much reality in that play. Part of it is I'm increasingly tired of my current surroundings. A few ppl/things make them tolerable, but all and all they make it bare minimal tolerable. I am ready for a change. I am ready to put many things in my past and leave them there.
current mood: odd
current music: Alison Krauss & Union Station - Moments Like This
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Friday, January 24th, 2003
4:12 pm - woops
ok, my internet is up and working again, I have lost the urge to bite off everyone's head and slap anyone who dares to say the wrong thing to me(wrong being defined as what my irrational mind deems wrong), I finished more applications today, now I only have one thing left to do and I'll be completely finished with my college applications, yay! I finally brough in my new cd's from the car, they are pretty decent(and they cost next to nothing $.50/cd!). I am making a pasta dish for dinner tonight so that will be yummy. I wish I didn't go through occational bouts and moods of absolutely hating parts of the world, it is just exhausting and 99.9% of the time isn't worth it, oh well, what can i say I have good friends who are willing to tolerate me through such moods, more then I'd prolly be willing to do for them.
current mood: mellow
current music: The Wallflowers - One Headlight
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Thursday, January 23rd, 2003
11:20 pm
fuck everyone, yes everyone, ok I can think of two people right now who that doens't apply to(save imediate family) and most likely you are not want of the two people
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Sunday, January 19th, 2003
11:05 pm - world beware
today I bought some very nice speakers. I havne't turned the volume up that much yet(aprox 40% and you can hear them all the way down the hall) it tis awesome. I had an awesome day. Woke up, took a long shower, called carol, went speaker shopping, bought speakers, went by eatzie's, bought yummy food, went by 'rents house, got wine, went to park, had lunch in the park, walked around the park, drove back to the dorms, hooked up the speakers, blasted speakers, turned volume down :)(so that the entire hall won't hear my music) did a bit homework(reading the republic) hung out with meredith, ate dinner, played pool, typed this :). The day has just been awesome. wee :)
current music: Oscar Levant - Allegro con brio - Concerto in F for Piano and Orchestra
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Thursday, January 16th, 2003
11:36 am - strangeness Protected
I've found that I quickly go through bouts of feeling like total crap and then quickly bounce right back. It is a bit exhausting to say the least. I've succesfully gone running for the 3rd time this week(the amazing part of this is it involves me getting up at 8:30.) I like all my classes and I think my schedule is such that I will easily make myself do schoolwork, speaking of which I am going to do some now(either that or take a short nap to get me through the rest of the day, i'm only going to bed slightly earlier in order to get up at 8:30)
current mood: content
current music: Grateful Dead - Jack A Roe
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Tuesday, January 14th, 2003
11:52 pm - hmmr Protected
I am randomly getting depressed again, BLAH...why? The only thing I can even be remotely depressed about is lack of a girl, but I mean its my own fault I keep liking girls I know I shouldn't even think about. I can list many many postive things going on in my life, and very few negativve things, yet I keep getting a feeling of depression and anger. I'm annoyed at the fact I am going to need to write _another_ statement for University of Minnesota, I guess i'll make time to do that this weekend. I need to try to get into a philosophy class tomorow, grrr...
blah....it seems from my perspective that I am ungrateful for the friends I have. I love all my friends, more than they know or even should know probably....I need to learn to be satisfied with friendships.
current mood: depressed
current music: Live - Overcome
Monday, January 13th, 2003
10:32 pm - warning, anger entrenched Private
I detest many things, but most often human actions are what I detest. I hate it when friends say they will call or be there and then forget, even over as little as a 15 min timespan. particularly when it happens close to 99% of the time. I detest people who can't make up her/his minds and use the world as his/her chew toy and then discard it when finished. I despise those who falsely act like they put others first when in reality they only put themselves first. Too many qualities I deplore and wish to obliterate from earth I find in all my friends and thus I begin to hate them. Sadly enough I pick out my friends based on the fact I see mostly good things in them. I feel the need to hate the entire world at the moment for skrewing me over and over in the most uncomfortable ways. I justify my bitching and complaining as completely legitamate and needed. The world would be worse off without them. I do this justification by simply pointing out I when the world goes my way, I am incredibly thankful. I do not take for granted what I have been given. I needed no reminder that I was lucky - there was no need for life to take from me what it had given me - NONE! it just felt like doing so.
current mood: pissed off
current music: Yoko Kanno - Cosmos
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Thursday, January 9th, 2003
1:24 am - misc stuff :)
just occured to me that I haven't made a public entry in awhile. Many things are going through my mind right now. One of the biggest being college. I havne't told a whole lot of people I am transfering to another college next year. I'm not certain why, for many people when they read it here it will be the first time they've heard me mention it. Writing college essays(i.e. what are your ambitions, write a personal statement) is a bitch. The task seems so simple and _yet_ it is incredibly hard. On other random news I seem to be living my life quite happily without consnantly thinking about wanting a girlfriend/sex in general. It is a nice change(ok so i still think about sex a lot, but not quite as much). I've been just enjoying having the company of friends, both old and new. Speaking of friends had a really odd dream last. I dreamed that my best friend kept trying to make out with me but things kept interupting it(people, lips disappearing, etc...) Truly was a funny dream, and if she is reading this she'd prolly be thinking "What the hell?" and then laugh......I could cause mischief and IM her boyfriend and tell him the dream...but nah I 'm not in the mood to cause mischief. And since when do I remember my dreams? Maybe i'll start trying to remember them, particularly if they are gonna be funny.
I am going up to Austin on friday to a friend's party. it'll be fun hopefully, get to see a few other friends I don't get to see that often. woop. I think that about sums up my life right now, goofing around with friends, thinking about college career and transferring and odd dreams :)
current mood: silly
current music: Bare Naked Ladies - Life, In A Nutshell (Live)
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Tuesday, December 31st, 2002
12:28 am - hmm Protected
blah, I'm an utter fool. I subtlely let a friend of mine know I was sorta interested....she picked up on it and subtlely let me know she definately wasn't.....this is the last time I even think about pursuing someone I've been good friends with. I only get burned, luckily this time I looked up and noticed myself entering the fire this time. I didn't notice when i was smack dab in the middle of the first and providing fuel for the fire. *sigh* why am I so emotionally needy? I feel like I genuinely need someone but of course a relationship like that can just pop up out of nowhere. Thats life I guess. Maybe I should just swear off real relationships and just go for sex, or maybe just become asexual. sheesh I am pathetic
current music: Tracy Chapman - I'm Ready
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Tuesday, December 24th, 2002
1:52 am - strangeness in the heart Private
ok, when did rachael and I start liking each other, start acting like we liked each other? It just sorta seemed to happen. I like it! :) it is just, umm well weird. I can't hlep but think what happened last time I started going for a good friend *shudder* but hey, who knows what'll happen. Ginger seems to like her and is the one who made me aware of it. I'll wait and see what happens I guess.
current mood: loved
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Sunday, December 15th, 2002
11:20 pm - tiredness Protected
I've been tired and slightly mopy all day. I've avoided people, period. I want to have people near me, just not anyone that involves emotional exertion, or physical exertion for that matter. That basicly narrows the list down to my family and then a few people, none of whom are around at the moment. The problem with this is that I said I'd go swing dancing with a friend tonight and I thought it to be extremly rude to cancel with the lame execuse "i'm tired and I need to pack" so i went, forced a smile(well the forced smile failed miserbly) but I pulled it off well enough so that my friend simply thought I wasn't feeling well and had no clue it had anything to do with the fact I really did not want to be around her or much of anyone else. People always assume I am this constant social butterfly, fact remains for the most part I only do things when I go out of my way to get ppl to get up and go out...few minor exceptions....but when I don't make plans, I generally have the time to myself, which I enjoy quite a bit
current mood: melancholy
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Tuesday, December 10th, 2002
2:21 am - random thoughts Protected
I am a proactive complacement person in my life.
I accept what I'm given and yearn for what I want.
For instance, I accept I'm at UH, I'm proactively trying to get out of UH. I am applying elsewhere.
Then again i'm not proactive about everything.
I accept that I do not have a girlfriend. I accept I want the oportunity to be in love with ginger again. The other day she reminded me of a night we were hanging out in the park, just the two of us. We ran around chasing each other, curled up together, she lost her ring that night(found it in the morning) The night we almost kissed. I remember the night as if it happened yesterday. She came by physics first thing in the morning to inform me she found the ring. I wish I could claim I've felt moments as emotion filled as that again, err positive emotions. Not to bash the "negative emotion" but I have experienced hell before and have no more desire of it. blah...I read some of my old entries, Upon reading them I noticed she frequently comes up, not directly but subtlely. I need to get a life, get over a girl I fell in lust and what as far as I can tell love with in high school. What is my obsession with her? I know she is unique and special, but too the point that I can't focus my attns elsewhere for very long is ridiculous. *sigh* I'm sorry I have these feelings and I want them to go away. It would make my life simpler, and hers simpler too. *sigh* Why the fuck can't I get over this. It is not healthy, and ginger constantly sees it in me, me holding something back, being cautious.....closed, etc....
current mood: tormented
current music: Dire Straits- Brother in Arms
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Thursday, December 5th, 2002
3:38 pm - hmm
past few days I've been feeling down. It's to be expected though. Thanksgiving break made me realize how lucky I am to have my friends. It was constant elation. Sadly the break ended and one left town, the other doens't go to school at UH so I rarely see her, luckily I still have a good one with me at UH. One friend of mine made plans to watch a movie and those fell through. then again that usually happens for reasons beyond anyones control.
*sigh*
I want to be held. I don't want to be held because someone knows I want to be held, I want to be held because someone wants to hold.
I was walking back to the dorms today when a man stopped to ask me a question. "What are you?....are you a writer, a poet, an actor, a singer...etc.." I replied none of the above. The man looked rather shocked. The only part of the question that I really heard though is the "What are you?" by training I would answer "a math major". But now my mind is asking the same question, what am I? I am a guy who enjoys math. I am someone who is constantly battling laziness. I like recieving things without working with them but that feels empty. I am only satisfied when I actually work for something, but I rarely actually do that. I am a loyal friend who is there when needed. I am an annoying friend who is there when a person just wants to some space or is just tired of being around me. I am a depressed person. I am a happy person. Oddly enough those two coexist quite nicely together. I am a desperate person who really wants to be in a loving caring relationship. I am an asshole who simply wants sex and absolutely nothing else from the girl. I am a self-described computer geek. I am not a writer, I am not a poet. I am not many other things. I am analytical.
The english language has a word for practically everything. If you combine the words just right, you can describe everything. Each word has a distinct defintion when put into a sentence. Each word can be defined by other words. Those words I guess are linked to a mental image in the brain to bring semblence to the world. By image I don't mean a picture, I mean everyone has an image of the word "is" is or else we wouldn't be able to use it. I feel like although I can name many words that describe myself, no combination of words would acuratley describe me. Part of that is I am ever channging and my mind is at times incredibly fickle, but other times its because I feel there is nothing there, or at least I'm trying to find words to describe what my mental image of myself is. the problem is that I don't have a complete mental image of myself. I'll start out by creating a new word to define my mental image. the words meaning will be the mental image you have of me.
the word is
plunnatratimg(pronounce ploon-nat-rat-img)
current mood: confused
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Thursday, November 28th, 2002
11:47 pm - thanksgiving food, relationships, friends, etc Protected
Been quite a day or two. Brian has been back for 2 days now and its awesome. I've been hanging out with him, rachael and whoever else seems to be around. I love brian and rachael, they are awesome friends to have around. It was strange being around sarah again. I'm trying to figure out what exactly I saw in her besides big boobs that are out of proportion with the rest of her body. She is fairly self-centered(she gets that from her dad) her mom is incredibly nice, but the rest of the family creeps me out a bit. There were a few guys on the corner of beechnut and 610 tonight obviously looking for food. I really don't know what to think about it, yet it is bothering me. Sometimes I feel like I give in to what I know isn't nescarilly completely right, but not nescarilly wrong either, or at least society accepts it. such as continuing to drive past the person freezing there starving ass off. On a more personal note, carol and I suddenly started flirting and such, if it keeps up a relationship is a possibility. I'm not completely certain I want to date her though. Something tells me we wouldn't work out. She is incredibly sweet and kind and it seems to me she deserves someone with an equally kind and giving heart, way beyond what I am. I think of myself as kind and giving but at the same time I also frequently think of myself as selfish, self-centered and simply giving in to whatever is easiest even if that doens't nescarily coincide with what really should happen. For the big stuff I usually try my best to do whats right, but small things I don't. Another issue I feel really horrible about is the physical aspect. From knowing carol I wouldn't be surprised if we dated for several months before we progressed beyond a simple kiss to a french kiss, and then from there over a year before it got to be all that serious, or maybe she is just incredibly quiet about her relationships I really don't know....is all I really want someone I can fool around with and comfort me and that it? I wish I was more of a person than that, but at the moment that might be all I am. then there is the fact that despite the fact the stuff with eva fell through I never really have forgotten her. I was intially mad at her and then accepted the fact we prolly would be casual acquantainces and thats it. Rachael mentioned in passing that she and her bf havne't seen/spoken in a few weeks, which got me thinking about her again. I mentioned this to rachael and she said eva stayed around a bit longer than she would have otherwise to say hi. No real clue why, blah I'm all confused and trying to figure out why I feel like I don't care about ppl as much as I used to. Despite all that I'm pretty happy. I'm definatley applying to colleges to get out of houston, I get to see ginger tomorow and good food is abundant!
current mood: funky, real funky?
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