what i think about bored on my porch
With a summer vacation in its second week, i am empty and complete at once.
My seas of witnessed suffering were replaced with salt water and jungles.
I am , for maybe the first time, a man without a complaint to give himself. This gives me time to think on the mysteries of my choosing.
I have no questions for death and suffering today, only its percieved opposite creates rumination. Love, and its bipolar cousin sex.
Male sexuality has long been thrown away as vulgar ( baby with the bathwater phenomenon ). While our romantic emotions are negated by the modern world as means to an end, which , of course, is sex. I , edging the hedges of 30, feel my own sex and love now may need to be weighted in its intrinsic " worth ".
I am not unsure of anything about myself as much as about my sexuality and capacity for romantic love. I never know where i stand in relation to women. Theres 1 beast, 2 heads.
1 : Love
At first, when i began to love women, that was all it meant. Love meant that i was giving all myself, which is a mistake. But we never know that is the mistake of love, it feels too right at the moment. I wanted to give all of myself so that it would be accepted, consumed by the other. In my giving would be my sexuality and virillity. But that had a price, i would demand the same back. As a younger man i equated obsession and complete honesty with true love. This of course leads to arguments and jealousy. Once i was with women who would slam doors in my face and i was occasinaly the boy who needed a damn kiss every time you walked through the kitchen.
Looking back on it all, i hate who i was the most in my life when i would have told you i was most " in love " with someone.
This is not to say i did not discover the small everyday tenderness a woman can bring my life. I am rough around the edges, even more these days. I did learn that love can bring a calm that hypertrophies and grows into a kind of meditation when it happens. I began to enjoy this feeling more than forced passion found through jealousy and obsession. But my distorted Brownian and Shellian notions perverted my actions and brain and i never kept that calm and mystery for long. I destroyed it by holding it too tight, to forgetting myself and did so by the paradox of forcing women into my world were i must be the most important being in existence, after all shouldnt I? Isnt that Love we would think? No, i am sure it is not. But my idea on loving and even the word is now nothing but negation. At 29 i am no closer to ever loving or being loved than at 9....but i am very sure what it is not for me. I am more and more sure love is a stupid word. Maybe kindness, acceptance, and caring is all there is. Love may be a myth. But humans who care for eachother as individuals and acept faults and even rejoice in them are rare. Such a pairing is better than forcing a love paradigm onto another. But i cannot get rid of the mystery of it. caring and kindness are work, a choice. There is still mystery.
" Why do i even like her ? " you will still say.
Once in blue moons you will watch women at parties, in public, at school and work and want to be close, to hear their voice. And it will not be sexual, what the hell is that feeling? It happens so rare, ive learned to follow through with those nagging notions.
To love is death, to lose yourself is death, but small deaths can be great. To be reminded you are nothing is important. But I dont need that. Every man is different. Every work week reminds me how pathetic of a mammal i am and how terribly mortal. I prefer my love/kindness to remind me I am sometimes NOT NOTHING TOO.
2. Sex.SEXSEXSEX SEX.SEX.
This is the stomach churner for me. I have slept with 21 women, I dont even know if thats a lot. Or care. But the key word is "enough ". Is 21 enough? Enough for what? Orgasms and cum and learning my body and what it does during coitus?...yup. Ummmm, learning how a womans body works during coitus and how to plaese it better?..yes.
Did i learn anything about myself? No,...well..yes...maybe not much. See? Its difficult. Maybe difficult for men. We never have a support group of peers like most young woman. Woman grow up and usually have the culture of talking about what sex means. Its meaning is divulged late at night to eachother over phones and between underage beers. Girls learn about death and sex in a viceral violent outburst of blood from their sexual organ. Now they are women, they can bring forth life, their sexuality has arrived.
I never had a moment.
I liked and learned a lot about myself fucking the women i had been in love with. But my 18 one night stands...and they all were once only and usually drunk taught me nothing. Only one thing maybe....i can get so goddamn lonely and horny. No news there. No worth.
HA, theres the rub! Sex intrinsically in an age of post-feminism and wide acceptance of sexaul mores and availability of birth control; HAS LOST INHERENT MEANING. And for absolute goodness! It lost its controlling and sexist uses by the industrialized world. But now is has extreme EXtrovented meaning. And men are behind in this. I grew up to say " yea i fucked her it was cool ". That was all.
I dont know for sure, but i always get the feeling woman understand sex, theirs and mine more than me. They own it to an extent. Let us not underestimate to power of a life bearing birth controlled woman in society. She has a choice and she has a vagina, and she has a better social peer culture to help her vagina and self understand one another than maybe i do?
I dont know. But ive begun to let it all go. My sexuality just doesnt matter maybe? I have a girlfriend now. She is beautiful, What i want perfectly sexually.
Understanding could ruin it i think. I know she has much more sexual experience than I. But i will never ask numbers. I know she used to be in a lesbian relationship for over a year. But i will not ask much in the way of that. I let it go. She seems to prefer it that way. And so do I.
My male sexuality just isnt something to be probed, anally or otherwise. If pressured by any girlfriend now or in the future to explain my sexuality and experiences, i would have a difficult time doing so. And in the end I would perhaps waste my breath on useless confession and confusion. Maybe women would have the same problem if pressured by me.
Sex then, to me, can never be enlightening. It is something to just let go. Forget it. Have fun and fuck.
My seas of witnessed suffering were replaced with salt water and jungles.
I am , for maybe the first time, a man without a complaint to give himself. This gives me time to think on the mysteries of my choosing.
I have no questions for death and suffering today, only its percieved opposite creates rumination. Love, and its bipolar cousin sex.
Male sexuality has long been thrown away as vulgar ( baby with the bathwater phenomenon ). While our romantic emotions are negated by the modern world as means to an end, which , of course, is sex. I , edging the hedges of 30, feel my own sex and love now may need to be weighted in its intrinsic " worth ".
I am not unsure of anything about myself as much as about my sexuality and capacity for romantic love. I never know where i stand in relation to women. Theres 1 beast, 2 heads.
1 : Love
At first, when i began to love women, that was all it meant. Love meant that i was giving all myself, which is a mistake. But we never know that is the mistake of love, it feels too right at the moment. I wanted to give all of myself so that it would be accepted, consumed by the other. In my giving would be my sexuality and virillity. But that had a price, i would demand the same back. As a younger man i equated obsession and complete honesty with true love. This of course leads to arguments and jealousy. Once i was with women who would slam doors in my face and i was occasinaly the boy who needed a damn kiss every time you walked through the kitchen.
Looking back on it all, i hate who i was the most in my life when i would have told you i was most " in love " with someone.
This is not to say i did not discover the small everyday tenderness a woman can bring my life. I am rough around the edges, even more these days. I did learn that love can bring a calm that hypertrophies and grows into a kind of meditation when it happens. I began to enjoy this feeling more than forced passion found through jealousy and obsession. But my distorted Brownian and Shellian notions perverted my actions and brain and i never kept that calm and mystery for long. I destroyed it by holding it too tight, to forgetting myself and did so by the paradox of forcing women into my world were i must be the most important being in existence, after all shouldnt I? Isnt that Love we would think? No, i am sure it is not. But my idea on loving and even the word is now nothing but negation. At 29 i am no closer to ever loving or being loved than at 9....but i am very sure what it is not for me. I am more and more sure love is a stupid word. Maybe kindness, acceptance, and caring is all there is. Love may be a myth. But humans who care for eachother as individuals and acept faults and even rejoice in them are rare. Such a pairing is better than forcing a love paradigm onto another. But i cannot get rid of the mystery of it. caring and kindness are work, a choice. There is still mystery.
" Why do i even like her ? " you will still say.
Once in blue moons you will watch women at parties, in public, at school and work and want to be close, to hear their voice. And it will not be sexual, what the hell is that feeling? It happens so rare, ive learned to follow through with those nagging notions.
To love is death, to lose yourself is death, but small deaths can be great. To be reminded you are nothing is important. But I dont need that. Every man is different. Every work week reminds me how pathetic of a mammal i am and how terribly mortal. I prefer my love/kindness to remind me I am sometimes NOT NOTHING TOO.
2. Sex.SEXSEXSEX SEX.SEX.
This is the stomach churner for me. I have slept with 21 women, I dont even know if thats a lot. Or care. But the key word is "enough ". Is 21 enough? Enough for what? Orgasms and cum and learning my body and what it does during coitus?...yup. Ummmm, learning how a womans body works during coitus and how to plaese it better?..yes.
Did i learn anything about myself? No,...well..yes...maybe not much. See? Its difficult. Maybe difficult for men. We never have a support group of peers like most young woman. Woman grow up and usually have the culture of talking about what sex means. Its meaning is divulged late at night to eachother over phones and between underage beers. Girls learn about death and sex in a viceral violent outburst of blood from their sexual organ. Now they are women, they can bring forth life, their sexuality has arrived.
I never had a moment.
I liked and learned a lot about myself fucking the women i had been in love with. But my 18 one night stands...and they all were once only and usually drunk taught me nothing. Only one thing maybe....i can get so goddamn lonely and horny. No news there. No worth.
HA, theres the rub! Sex intrinsically in an age of post-feminism and wide acceptance of sexaul mores and availability of birth control; HAS LOST INHERENT MEANING. And for absolute goodness! It lost its controlling and sexist uses by the industrialized world. But now is has extreme EXtrovented meaning. And men are behind in this. I grew up to say " yea i fucked her it was cool ". That was all.
I dont know for sure, but i always get the feeling woman understand sex, theirs and mine more than me. They own it to an extent. Let us not underestimate to power of a life bearing birth controlled woman in society. She has a choice and she has a vagina, and she has a better social peer culture to help her vagina and self understand one another than maybe i do?
I dont know. But ive begun to let it all go. My sexuality just doesnt matter maybe? I have a girlfriend now. She is beautiful, What i want perfectly sexually.
Understanding could ruin it i think. I know she has much more sexual experience than I. But i will never ask numbers. I know she used to be in a lesbian relationship for over a year. But i will not ask much in the way of that. I let it go. She seems to prefer it that way. And so do I.
My male sexuality just isnt something to be probed, anally or otherwise. If pressured by any girlfriend now or in the future to explain my sexuality and experiences, i would have a difficult time doing so. And in the end I would perhaps waste my breath on useless confession and confusion. Maybe women would have the same problem if pressured by me.
Sex then, to me, can never be enlightening. It is something to just let go. Forget it. Have fun and fuck.