:: Why cant I just be happy? ::
I've been really depressed and moody for a while now. It might not have really shown as being depressed in my past entries, but I have been. All I can do is be sad, though I dont show it when I'm around people. Infact, when I'm around people I've been getting mean and edgy. This weekend has been a good one, or atleast Friday and Saturday were because I saw my boy; but the rest of it has been nothing but sadness, stress, and anger.
All I can do still is think about lab and related at C-TEC and I cant take it anymore. I talked to my mom about transfering and basically gave her the warning that if I dont transfer then I will definantly fail lab. So I hope she takes the warning and transfers me. All this school is making me now is depressed and all I can do is think bad things. The only time i dont seem to think anything bad is when I'm with "N" or if I'm hanging out with a friend or something of the sort.
I have no one to tell this to though and no one can relate to what I'm feeling and how confused I am. So talking about it is useless, though I've done it a couple times and it has show that talking about it doesnt help me at all. I feel like crying alot of the time now because of all the pent up stress that I have. And there's no way for me to get rid of it. No matter what I do it just wont go away. I cant even think or consentrait anymore.
Well, I guess I worded that wrong. I guess all I do is think. And I cant consentrate or do anything about it. I just wish that there was someone here all the time that I could hold and tell how I'm feeling, and they could tell me that it was ok because they were here. If only things were different...If only "N" and I wernt still in school...Then we could be together every night...And I could tell him how my day was and how I've been feeling...And he could tell me his day and emotions...Then everything would be perfect.
I have no such luck though. The year continues to drag on and that goal of having a place of our own is so far away. Thinking about it makes me sad. Why cant things be differnt? Why couldnt it have been "N" that moved in here with me instead of Reid. Things would be and I could go to sleep every night with him by my side and know that he was going to be there for me to wake up too in the morning; so that I can look into those beautiful eyes and great him to the new day with a kiss.
It's thoughts like these that make me feel so sad. Mixed with the thoughts of all the goings on at school and the stress of balancing everything at once, but failing to do so. I just need to get out of that place. Then atleast there will be one large weight off my shoulders. Then the rest would be history...
Untill next time...
~Clayborne~
"Even If"
For what it's worth I think there's
nobody like you
You've got grace got a heart beating despite
your fun
As I grew up I was terrified of darkness
Now you're around I've no reason
to be frightened
'Cause even if the sun came tumbling down
You light the ground I walk on
Even if the moon fell out the sky
You light the ground I walk on
Now that you're mine I can't
picture life without you
You're my friend,
you're my lover wanna bite you
'Cause even if the sun came tumbling down
You light the ground I walk on
Even if the moon fell out the sky
You light the ground I walk on
The world goes on spinning and I can't retrace
My heavy footsteps to this place
I'm in heaven right now
and I don't want to come down
'Cause even if the sun came tumbling down
You light the ground I walk on
Even if the moon fell out the sky
You light the ground I walk on
Now we're alone gonna show
how much I need you
Kiss you so you won't ever wanna leave me
'Cause even if the sun came tumbling down
You light the ground I walk on
Even if the moon fell out the sky
You light the ground I walk on
'Cause even if the sun came tumbling down
You light the ground I walk on
Even if the moon fell out the sky
You light the ground I walk on
All I can do still is think about lab and related at C-TEC and I cant take it anymore. I talked to my mom about transfering and basically gave her the warning that if I dont transfer then I will definantly fail lab. So I hope she takes the warning and transfers me. All this school is making me now is depressed and all I can do is think bad things. The only time i dont seem to think anything bad is when I'm with "N" or if I'm hanging out with a friend or something of the sort.
I have no one to tell this to though and no one can relate to what I'm feeling and how confused I am. So talking about it is useless, though I've done it a couple times and it has show that talking about it doesnt help me at all. I feel like crying alot of the time now because of all the pent up stress that I have. And there's no way for me to get rid of it. No matter what I do it just wont go away. I cant even think or consentrait anymore.
Well, I guess I worded that wrong. I guess all I do is think. And I cant consentrate or do anything about it. I just wish that there was someone here all the time that I could hold and tell how I'm feeling, and they could tell me that it was ok because they were here. If only things were different...If only "N" and I wernt still in school...Then we could be together every night...And I could tell him how my day was and how I've been feeling...And he could tell me his day and emotions...Then everything would be perfect.
I have no such luck though. The year continues to drag on and that goal of having a place of our own is so far away. Thinking about it makes me sad. Why cant things be differnt? Why couldnt it have been "N" that moved in here with me instead of Reid. Things would be and I could go to sleep every night with him by my side and know that he was going to be there for me to wake up too in the morning; so that I can look into those beautiful eyes and great him to the new day with a kiss.
It's thoughts like these that make me feel so sad. Mixed with the thoughts of all the goings on at school and the stress of balancing everything at once, but failing to do so. I just need to get out of that place. Then atleast there will be one large weight off my shoulders. Then the rest would be history...
Untill next time...
~Clayborne~
"Even If"
For what it's worth I think there's
nobody like you
You've got grace got a heart beating despite
your fun
As I grew up I was terrified of darkness
Now you're around I've no reason
to be frightened
'Cause even if the sun came tumbling down
You light the ground I walk on
Even if the moon fell out the sky
You light the ground I walk on
Now that you're mine I can't
picture life without you
You're my friend,
you're my lover wanna bite you
'Cause even if the sun came tumbling down
You light the ground I walk on
Even if the moon fell out the sky
You light the ground I walk on
The world goes on spinning and I can't retrace
My heavy footsteps to this place
I'm in heaven right now
and I don't want to come down
'Cause even if the sun came tumbling down
You light the ground I walk on
Even if the moon fell out the sky
You light the ground I walk on
Now we're alone gonna show
how much I need you
Kiss you so you won't ever wanna leave me
'Cause even if the sun came tumbling down
You light the ground I walk on
Even if the moon fell out the sky
You light the ground I walk on
'Cause even if the sun came tumbling down
You light the ground I walk on
Even if the moon fell out the sky
You light the ground I walk on