My Review of Watchmen
Special thanks to Major Tom.
Watchmen, written by Alan Moore and illustrated by Dave Gibbons, is a graphic novel set in 1985 which is supposed to be a commentary of superheroes and a critique of realist thought during the Cold War. I can respect that, I’m an International Relations major, I’m supposed to sit through theory day after day. But to criticise realism is to commit sin against this book, and one of America’s major attitudes toward the world. It’s a very bleak view of humanity-no one will ever protect you, so you must always protect yourself. There are no friends, there are no good intentions; there is power, and there are those who have it. You cannot trust anyone, because they are only out for themselves. This perspective is brought down to the most microcosmic of relationships continually throughout the book. So if you don’t believe in realism: Run.
While I’ve never really read comic books, I’ve always loved their canons. But my opinion’s bound be to a little skewed by this lack of background in the field. When it comes to superheroes, everyone tends to think of very straightforward characters-Superman, Spider-Man, Batman. What Watchmen does is it turns all those personas upside down. What if the main characters just want to fight violence for more violence? What if it’s about punishment and not morality? What if the superheroes were the super villains?
Adrian “Ozymandias” Veidt epitomises this last question. He reflects on the greater good, what is necessary, and what is needed to achieve both. As he considered the world’s smartest man (and not just by his mother!), it is only natural he would deem himself the only one worthy of making these decisions. But ’twould appear the man cannot recognise that there is no such thing as an ‘end’. Maaaaaaaaaaan, he musta loved “Matrix: Revolutions”.
It’s a clever idea; indeed, at the time it was written, it was revolutionary.
That sounds very much like a statement that should have a ‘but’ on the end of it. And in my case, it has quite a few. As I was reading the book, I found myself getting angrier and angrier. At first I pinpointed it to how incredibly pretentious it was. There were times when I wanted to throw my book-look, we know you’re deep Alan Moore. We know you are deeper than the deepest sky and deeper than the deepest coastal shelf and deeper than the deepest deep space.
Chill.
But then I realised it was something...deeper (yes, deeper) than that. The pretentiousness always came off as superficial intellectualism to me, and that was a problem, but a shallow one. No, it was more than that. I can’t say I’ve ever been a raging feminist, but damn, this book brings it out. Huh. Apparently Ororo Monroe, Barbara Gordon, or even Elektra are just the worst superheroines imaginable. How could there possibly be a kick-ass female archetype if all this book does is create bitches? There are two female costumed heroes-a mother (Sally “Silk Spectre” Jupiter) and her daughter (Laurie “Silk Spectre II” Juspeczyk). Both are about as effective at superhero-ing as, say, a 2 x 4 is at belly dancing.
For instance, Sally’s main point in the plot is that she was attacked and almost raped by Edward Morgan “The Comedian” Blake.
Note: This is a woman who fights crime for a living. And she doesn’t even save herself. In fact, another male costumed hero has to come in and do it for her, and both the rapist and the rescuer blame the victim with “She wanted me to do it” and “…for God’s sake, cover yourself” respectively. And for no other apparent reason then he later fathered her child, she forgave and loved her attacker (who, incidentally, shot another woman who was pregnant with his child). To all the young women out there, don’t worry, it’s okay he broke your ribs, traumatized you, and kills because “…bitch, you hurt my face”-he gave you a baby.
The product of that semi-secret union is a daughter who is almost as useless as her mother. As a teenager, Laurie allows herself to be forced into the crime-fighting business, something she had no interest in whatsoever, by her mother. At sixteen, she seduces a thirty-something godlike creature away from his long-time girlfriend, who had been with him for years and was starting to show her age. Yes, all you young men, if you feel it’s inevitable, go ahead and cheat-you don’t need to end the previous one, because you know it’s going to be over anyway.
Dr. Manhattan, hereafter called Dr. Gloworm (I did consider the Voice of God Alan Moore, but really, does it need to be said?), is like what agnostic would create when trying to redefine their faith. “Well...he has to be naked, ’cause why would God have shame?...he's gotta be able to just create shit outta no shit...he needs to love...and fuck, I don’t want God in my head all the time, so the omniscient switch goes on and off whenever the plot calls for it whenever he’s distracted.” No seriously. Dr. Gloworm glows blue because he got caught in Bruce Banner’s experiments for the government and kinda sorta evaporated. And then un-...vaporated?...-disapparated?...-disembodied himself. So now he can also disappear/appear anyone and anywhere (and we do mean anywhere), and he can his change size (which could O so very easily lead down a dark sick path).
Essentially, he has no physics.
Or defined character, for that matter.
Dr. Gloworm can know long in advance that Laurie’s going to ask him to save the world, but doesn’t know that she doesn’t want a threesome with a clone of himself. He also apparently doesn’t foresee that she will not take his rational offer of “If you think there’s a problem with my attitude, I’m prepared to discuss it.” Or that she’ll leave him. Or parts of what turns out to be Ozymandias’s plot are a plot...no, he just disappears to Mars after the tabloid attack and because Dr. God’s second Eve Laurie is pissy. Oh, plus she’s emotionally (and soon physically) cheating on him with another no-charactered costumed hero, Dan “Nite Owl” Dreiberg.
Because all womenfolk are cheating hors, who are always irrational and have no sensitivity. Thanks, Alan Moore. From the bottom of all our empty hearts, thanks.
To drive the point home even further, even the random plot-point and absolutely no-point characters demonstrate this. There is a scientist who shows up twice in the book: The first time she draws some weird squid thing and flirts with a man who is not her husband, the second is she committing adultery with the same man and they are killed in a massive explosion. Also, a lesbian couple meets up in the street and start beating the shit out of each other... At the same time behind them, another costumed hero (Walter “Rorschach” Kovac’s) psychiatrist is listening to his wife bitch about how she “can’t share [him] with a world of screws-ups and manic-depressives”, and gets angry at the good doctor for wanting to break up the fight behind her...Rorschach’s mother was actually a whore who abused him...Rorschach’s landlady sold a fake story to the press about his sexual assaults on her...
In fact, the only woman who does not join the crime-fighting team, cheat, or just be a hor, is the first Eve woman who Dr. Gloworm leaves for the hotter, newer upgrade in 1966. In 1985, she is unknowingly given a cancer for a “greater cause” by Ozymandias, which Dr. Gloworm is totes okay with. She dies in pain and without dignity.
...WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ALAN MOORE?! Did he get the bad touch from a woman when he was a child?! Did he worship a goddess who just didn’t cut it, leaving him with Glycon?! Did his wife just cheat on him perpetually in front of his face, cause you were in on it too, sir!
Whiskey. Foxtrot. Tango?!
Maybe he’s trying to make a point. Maybe women in comics are all hors...who bitch and moan...and bear children...? Because there’s no way in challenging and breaking the superhero mould that he couldn’t just tinker a bit with what he possibly perceived as the superheroine one?!
After a lot disappearing plot acts (Seriously, what happens in the middle of the book? We sit around and read a comic-in-a-comic, we watch the men struggle, we watch women being hors, and we watch Laurie and Nite Owl get together. Oh joy. Oh rapture.), the threat of some kind of attack becomes very, very clear. Only, it seems like it’s going to come from Russia, but you know that can’t be it, because five costumed heroes can’t fight the entire fucking USSR. No, we leave that to some teenage mullets in the mid-west.
The Random Omniscience-y Switch comes back on and Dr. Gloworm comes back to earth and sits around in Laurie’s room, waiting for her to come in so he can take her to Mars. Because he knows she wants to talk to him. Thus effectively scaring the hell out of Laurie and earth's entire female population. (omg guys, God’s a stalker and he wants to talk)
So Dr. Gloworm is really God. We, the reader, have this beaten into our skulls. Repeatedly. He knows all, he sees all, he goes to earth with the express purpose of bringing Laurie back...but he teleports his cheating hor to Mars without any kind of protective bubble. Meaning she's supposed to just survive showing up on a planet with a temperature that can be -225 degrees Fahrenheit, with 100% atmospheric humidity, and no oxygen. He really expects her to be hunky dory.
Oh, I wish I was joking.
He actually stares down at her, completely confused that the human starts writhing and gasping for air. Never mind that her body would have frozen and that gravity is completely different-so when she starts falling down the hill she would, you know, bounce-no, it’s only an air supply she needs.
Whoops, says Dr. Gloworm, “Sometimes these things [LIKE EVERY HUMAN’S BIZARRE NEED FOR OXYGEN] slip my mind.” What are you, a GloFucktard?!
He creates a little oxygen force field around her, and then they get to talking on his imagineered flying innards of a pocket watch, which I dubbed “Priscilla: Queen of the Long Cruise to a Short Plot Point”. This was one of those times I could’ve thrown the book across the room. For once, Laurie is making perfect sense (Look you asshat, “Earth’s too important to hinge on one relationship”), and Dr. Gloworm is just ignoring it (and dancing in drag around the Martian desert to ‘I Will Survive’). He then stops the tachyon disco ’cause Laurie’s a buzzkill and tells her exactly what the conversation is going to be, what her confessions are, and essentially silences her with his tales of angst and woe. And then gives us existential whining, with random moments like: “It ends with you [Laurie] in tears...Look there-Olympus Mons approaches!” I did not add that ellipsis, it was there-that is a complete Dr. Gloworm thought. And he actually says that as though it should be comforting. Meanwhile, he admits he’s going to return to earth-thus taking away any tension in the scene. And promptly re-injects it like heroin to the eyeballs by randomly becoming an emoteen: “Does the human heart know chasms so abysmal?”
He has seen the future, and it is My Chemical Romance lyrics.
Just when you’re ready to climb into the book and slit his wrists for him, he chooses to actually point out Laurie’s character flaws:
“...but you yourself refuse to see my viewpoint, letting your emotions blind you...You’re deliberately shutting out understanding, as if you’re afraid; as if you’re too delicate.”
Oh my God, I love that someone finally calls her on Alan Moore’s her shit!
Unfortunately, this is when Laurie loses her shit, and smashes Priscilla (the ship she is floating on at a real altitude) to pieces. Something in this must be endearing. Or persuasive. Or maybe Dr. Gloworm's omniscient switch went on and he saw ahead to this review and realised now would be the time to get his ass back in gear. Whichever it was, Dr. Gloworm creates a protective shield around them as Priscilla dies, and suddenly is enthusiastic (or as enthusiastic as he gets):
“Dry your eyes, for you are life, rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg...let’s go home.”
Sigh. Pillowtalk was never so Nazi-sexy.
It takes Rorschach and Nite Owl another thirty-pages to actually get to the climax: Antarctica. As in penguin land. Because when you think “Happy Feet”, you think Evil Villian's Lair. I mean, seriously, the worst thing I can think of happening in the Antarctic is this.
You know the superhero cliché that they’ve got a something for every occasion? Okay, Nite Owl’s costume looks dumb enough on its own, but then he adds this art student arctic smock and by the dumbass powers combined, he looks even stupider. Meanwhile Rorschach is chillin’ like a villain in his usual trench coat. In a blizzard.
In the end, it’s Ozymandias’s realism that devastates half of New York. But the way the book resolves the entire matter is ridiculous. In fact, the whole evil plot is completely ridiculous. In plain, non-pretentious English: “I created a monster so that everyone will think aliens have landed. It will explode on impact, wipe out half of New York, and end all current and future conflicts.”
Russia actually pulls out of Afghanistan for this shit.
...
Because what the world really needed was a bombed to hell ET to fix the Cold War.
But what really makes it even more insane (and anti-femininity) is that the monster is actually what I have dubbed “Squidgina”. Yes, Squidgina. The biggest plot point is a genetically engineered, not-found-in-nature, apocalyptic squid with a woman's crotch for a face. The clitoris is an eyeball that does not blink and the vagina is its mouth. With a brain on top. “Who watches the Watchmen” you ask? Clitbrain does.
It’s well documented that more boys read comic books than girls. So what better way to make women feel less accepted in the comic book world (where many retreat when society rejects them), than to create a monster that destroys half a major city in their genitalia’s likeness?
Maybe it’s suppose to support this concept of women’s power through sex? After all, the giant vagina has a massive brain on top. That’s got to count for something, right? Maybe it's about 'that which gave life can take it away'?
I dunno about you, but it’s still not exactly a comforting argument considering it’s a fucking monster that dies immediately and takes with it half a city.
Dr. Gloworm and Laurie reappear at this moment, smack in the middle of the destruction of New York. Laurie’s stunning reaction to the mass of bodies, the carnage of buildings, the unimaginable loss of life: “Tandoori To Go. That’s all they went out for, these people...Tandoori To Go.”
Although, to her credit, it’s hard not to giggle at some of the images. One senses a morbid humour from the illustrator: Madison Square Garden had Krystalnacht and Pale Horse playing (Adrien “Ozymandias” Veidt is German and the pale horse of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse signifies escalated death), the Utopia movie theatre is playing “The Day the Earth Stood Still”, newspapers littering the ground have headlines like “The Veidt Method: I Will Give You Bodies Beyond Your Wildest Imaginings”, and Squidgina’s genitalic face is sitting eyeball-open on top the “Institute for Spatial Studies”.
So Squidgina is dead all over New York, the death toll is astronomical (approximately three million), and all because Ozymandias believed in his “masterstroke”.
Kill millions, save...a thousand. Maybe?
Because in this, our realist world, war is the only way to maintain and expand power. If that’s the way it was before, then we can assume the cycle of ideals will take us back to it again. I believe that an idea can start a war, just like it can end one-but that doesn’t mean the cycle won’t continue. Look at September 11. Despite the lack of conflict, we were still firm believers in real American power and hegemony over the globe. Then a counter-idea attacked us. Thousands of people died, and it was terrible-the country came together and for a brief moment, we found peace and solace in one another. And then came the realist War. The war on an ideas.
Back in the story, Ozymandias radiations apart Dr. Gloworm (for the second time in that dude’s life, ’cause, you know, if he’s put himself back together once, he can’t do it again or anything) and, well, Laurie’s just been having a bad day. And Laurie got a gun. So Laurie decides to do something useful for once in her pathetic life, and tries to shoot the “asshole”. It’s a very sweet gesture, since, you know, guns are the easiest weapons and it takes no real skill to fire one. But unfortunately, the man apparently learnt to catch bullets in his free time and puts her out of commission with one kick.
Dr. Gloworm then re-…glowsifies?...-animates?...-exists and is suddenly 100-foot-tall Dr. ANGRIWORM. He has two seconds in which he says “Bitch, please” to Ozymandias, and then gets stumped because the news reels are coming in.
Oh convenient plot points, how very useful you are at cockblocking the massive pwnage.
I’ve waited how many fucking pages to see absolutely NO CLIMAX?!
You know what? With Breaking Dawn, I could deal with that. Stephenie Meyer’s a crap writer who’s too in love with herself Bella and her team of Dazzle-teers to ever kill them off, even after almost 1000 pages of pwnage blue balls.
But Alan Moore. I expect more of you. No, not all bad people meet bad ends. But these are supposed to be the ulti-fucking-mate PWNERS. SO PWN ALREADY.
Anyway.
Ozymandias is allowed to survive, because somehow, these watchmen of humanity have deemed his ends worthy.
…wait, what happened to their outcry to the means?! (They all just wanted Tandoori To Go!)
The concept of the ‘short-term’ is clearly only in one character’s vocabulary (Dr Gloworm is randomly omniscient again!). And only Rorschach tries to go back to New York to tell the truth, but not because he knows it’s a temporary fix and that there can be no end to conflict.
No, his moral fibre is chaffing! “Evil must be punished” dammit!
Unfortunately for Rorschach, Dr. Gloworm drank his precognitive Kool Aid and hopped on the crazy train.
I’ll give Rorschach credit, he’s a good anti-hero. He actually demands Dr. Gloworm radiate him to bits (and not the regenerating way), because he will not keep quiet.
But how does our active heroine react to this decimating set of events?
Sex.
No really, she falls to the ground, weeping, and this is the actual exchange that follows:
Laurie: "Dan, all those people, they're dead. They can't disagree or eat Indian food or love each other...Oh, it's sweet. Being alive is so sweet."
Nite Owl: "Laurie? Wh-what do you want me to do?"
Laurie: "I want you to love me."
They make sweet, adoring love and fall asleep in each other’s arms, and it’s all happiness and hearts and huggles.
Except she does this in full knowledge that her ex-lover is in the same building and will more than likely walk in on them, as he eventually does. He looks at their naked, sleeping bodies with a cross between “Woe” and “Thank fuck”.
Gloworm then becomes Glo-spider, and starts climbing the walls to talk to Ozymandias. Really, he just wants to hand Ozymandias his conscience on a plate-with angst-ridden cream and existential sprinkles on top!
Ozymandias: “I did the right thing, didn’t I? It all worked out in the end.”
Dr. Gloworm: “‘In the end’? Nothing ends, Adrian. Nothing ever ends.
Ozymandias: “Jon? Wait! What do you mean by...”
Dr. Gloworm then...absconds?...vamooses?...goes forth to create some new life.
Jesus, aren’t you supposed to be the smartest man in the world?! Get with it, Ozymandias! You’re a realist jackhole who got carried away with your own self-importance. You didn’t think you could end world conflicts, you just wanted the glory of thinking you could.
Sigh. Men.
In the final scenes with the heroes, Nite Owl and Laurie have adopted new aliases and go to visit Laurie's mother. Laurie confesses she knows who her real father is, and Sally's truly Shakespearean response is: "It was just an afternoon, in the summer". Aw, well, any other season, it would not have happened--but summer, O summer, how you get us wimmens all hawt and bothered.
The final frame of any woman in the book is Sally's lipstick kiss over the Comedian's head, as she cries on her bed. Ah love. It's a many abused splendored thing.
People always say this book has an amazing plot, that it’s intelligent and powerful. I won’t lie, I bought into some of this book. It’s creative and a very fresh outlook on superheroes. However, it’s very difficult as a woman to truly appreciate it. And when you look deeper into the plot, it’s really not all that intricate or special. It’s a superhero run away with his own narcissism, only instead of choosing to save, he chose to kill. (To save?!) He had the narcissism to believe he could end war with one Insta-death Encounter of a Third Kind. The realism seeps through from the government, to the heroes, to the relationships. In this end, there are no friends, there are no good intentions-there is just power, and Ozymandias had it in this story.
And all the women really, really didn’t.
"But what really makes it even more insane is that the monster is actually what I have dubbed “Squidgina”. Yes, Squidgina. The biggest plot point is a genetically engineered, not-found-in-nature, apocalyptic squid with a woman's crotch for a face. The clitoris is an eyeball that does not blink and the vagina is its mouth. With a brain on top. “Who watches the Watchmen” you ask? Clitbrain does."
By the way, best. picture. ever.
Watchmen, written by Alan Moore and illustrated by Dave Gibbons, is a graphic novel set in 1985 which is supposed to be a commentary of superheroes and a critique of realist thought during the Cold War. I can respect that, I’m an International Relations major, I’m supposed to sit through theory day after day. But to criticise realism is to commit sin against this book, and one of America’s major attitudes toward the world. It’s a very bleak view of humanity-no one will ever protect you, so you must always protect yourself. There are no friends, there are no good intentions; there is power, and there are those who have it. You cannot trust anyone, because they are only out for themselves. This perspective is brought down to the most microcosmic of relationships continually throughout the book. So if you don’t believe in realism: Run.
While I’ve never really read comic books, I’ve always loved their canons. But my opinion’s bound be to a little skewed by this lack of background in the field. When it comes to superheroes, everyone tends to think of very straightforward characters-Superman, Spider-Man, Batman. What Watchmen does is it turns all those personas upside down. What if the main characters just want to fight violence for more violence? What if it’s about punishment and not morality? What if the superheroes were the super villains?
Adrian “Ozymandias” Veidt epitomises this last question. He reflects on the greater good, what is necessary, and what is needed to achieve both. As he considered the world’s smartest man (and not just by his mother!), it is only natural he would deem himself the only one worthy of making these decisions. But ’twould appear the man cannot recognise that there is no such thing as an ‘end’. Maaaaaaaaaaan, he musta loved “Matrix: Revolutions”.
It’s a clever idea; indeed, at the time it was written, it was revolutionary.
That sounds very much like a statement that should have a ‘but’ on the end of it. And in my case, it has quite a few. As I was reading the book, I found myself getting angrier and angrier. At first I pinpointed it to how incredibly pretentious it was. There were times when I wanted to throw my book-look, we know you’re deep Alan Moore. We know you are deeper than the deepest sky and deeper than the deepest coastal shelf and deeper than the deepest deep space.
Chill.
But then I realised it was something...deeper (yes, deeper) than that. The pretentiousness always came off as superficial intellectualism to me, and that was a problem, but a shallow one. No, it was more than that. I can’t say I’ve ever been a raging feminist, but damn, this book brings it out. Huh. Apparently Ororo Monroe, Barbara Gordon, or even Elektra are just the worst superheroines imaginable. How could there possibly be a kick-ass female archetype if all this book does is create bitches? There are two female costumed heroes-a mother (Sally “Silk Spectre” Jupiter) and her daughter (Laurie “Silk Spectre II” Juspeczyk). Both are about as effective at superhero-ing as, say, a 2 x 4 is at belly dancing.
For instance, Sally’s main point in the plot is that she was attacked and almost raped by Edward Morgan “The Comedian” Blake.
Note: This is a woman who fights crime for a living. And she doesn’t even save herself. In fact, another male costumed hero has to come in and do it for her, and both the rapist and the rescuer blame the victim with “She wanted me to do it” and “…for God’s sake, cover yourself” respectively. And for no other apparent reason then he later fathered her child, she forgave and loved her attacker (who, incidentally, shot another woman who was pregnant with his child). To all the young women out there, don’t worry, it’s okay he broke your ribs, traumatized you, and kills because “…bitch, you hurt my face”-he gave you a baby.
The product of that semi-secret union is a daughter who is almost as useless as her mother. As a teenager, Laurie allows herself to be forced into the crime-fighting business, something she had no interest in whatsoever, by her mother. At sixteen, she seduces a thirty-something godlike creature away from his long-time girlfriend, who had been with him for years and was starting to show her age. Yes, all you young men, if you feel it’s inevitable, go ahead and cheat-you don’t need to end the previous one, because you know it’s going to be over anyway.
Dr. Manhattan, hereafter called Dr. Gloworm (I did consider the Voice of God Alan Moore, but really, does it need to be said?), is like what agnostic would create when trying to redefine their faith. “Well...he has to be naked, ’cause why would God have shame?...he's gotta be able to just create shit outta no shit...he needs to love...and fuck, I don’t want God in my head all the time, so the omniscient switch goes on and off whenever the plot calls for it whenever he’s distracted.” No seriously. Dr. Gloworm glows blue because he got caught in Bruce Banner’s experiments for the government and kinda sorta evaporated. And then un-...vaporated?...-disapparated?...-disembodied himself. So now he can also disappear/appear anyone and anywhere (and we do mean anywhere), and he can his change size (which could O so very easily lead down a dark sick path).
Essentially, he has no physics.
Or defined character, for that matter.
Dr. Gloworm can know long in advance that Laurie’s going to ask him to save the world, but doesn’t know that she doesn’t want a threesome with a clone of himself. He also apparently doesn’t foresee that she will not take his rational offer of “If you think there’s a problem with my attitude, I’m prepared to discuss it.” Or that she’ll leave him. Or parts of what turns out to be Ozymandias’s plot are a plot...no, he just disappears to Mars after the tabloid attack and because Dr. God’s second Eve Laurie is pissy. Oh, plus she’s emotionally (and soon physically) cheating on him with another no-charactered costumed hero, Dan “Nite Owl” Dreiberg.
Because all womenfolk are cheating hors, who are always irrational and have no sensitivity. Thanks, Alan Moore. From the bottom of all our empty hearts, thanks.
To drive the point home even further, even the random plot-point and absolutely no-point characters demonstrate this. There is a scientist who shows up twice in the book: The first time she draws some weird squid thing and flirts with a man who is not her husband, the second is she committing adultery with the same man and they are killed in a massive explosion. Also, a lesbian couple meets up in the street and start beating the shit out of each other... At the same time behind them, another costumed hero (Walter “Rorschach” Kovac’s) psychiatrist is listening to his wife bitch about how she “can’t share [him] with a world of screws-ups and manic-depressives”, and gets angry at the good doctor for wanting to break up the fight behind her...Rorschach’s mother was actually a whore who abused him...Rorschach’s landlady sold a fake story to the press about his sexual assaults on her...
In fact, the only woman who does not join the crime-fighting team, cheat, or just be a hor, is the first Eve woman who Dr. Gloworm leaves for the hotter, newer upgrade in 1966. In 1985, she is unknowingly given a cancer for a “greater cause” by Ozymandias, which Dr. Gloworm is totes okay with. She dies in pain and without dignity.
...WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ALAN MOORE?! Did he get the bad touch from a woman when he was a child?! Did he worship a goddess who just didn’t cut it, leaving him with Glycon?! Did his wife just cheat on him perpetually in front of his face, cause you were in on it too, sir!
Whiskey. Foxtrot. Tango?!
Maybe he’s trying to make a point. Maybe women in comics are all hors...who bitch and moan...and bear children...? Because there’s no way in challenging and breaking the superhero mould that he couldn’t just tinker a bit with what he possibly perceived as the superheroine one?!
After a lot disappearing plot acts (Seriously, what happens in the middle of the book? We sit around and read a comic-in-a-comic, we watch the men struggle, we watch women being hors, and we watch Laurie and Nite Owl get together. Oh joy. Oh rapture.), the threat of some kind of attack becomes very, very clear. Only, it seems like it’s going to come from Russia, but you know that can’t be it, because five costumed heroes can’t fight the entire fucking USSR. No, we leave that to some teenage mullets in the mid-west.
The Random Omniscience-y Switch comes back on and Dr. Gloworm comes back to earth and sits around in Laurie’s room, waiting for her to come in so he can take her to Mars. Because he knows she wants to talk to him. Thus effectively scaring the hell out of Laurie and earth's entire female population. (omg guys, God’s a stalker and he wants to talk)
So Dr. Gloworm is really God. We, the reader, have this beaten into our skulls. Repeatedly. He knows all, he sees all, he goes to earth with the express purpose of bringing Laurie back...but he teleports his cheating hor to Mars without any kind of protective bubble. Meaning she's supposed to just survive showing up on a planet with a temperature that can be -225 degrees Fahrenheit, with 100% atmospheric humidity, and no oxygen. He really expects her to be hunky dory.
Oh, I wish I was joking.
He actually stares down at her, completely confused that the human starts writhing and gasping for air. Never mind that her body would have frozen and that gravity is completely different-so when she starts falling down the hill she would, you know, bounce-no, it’s only an air supply she needs.
Whoops, says Dr. Gloworm, “Sometimes these things [LIKE EVERY HUMAN’S BIZARRE NEED FOR OXYGEN] slip my mind.” What are you, a GloFucktard?!
He creates a little oxygen force field around her, and then they get to talking on his imagineered flying innards of a pocket watch, which I dubbed “Priscilla: Queen of the Long Cruise to a Short Plot Point”. This was one of those times I could’ve thrown the book across the room. For once, Laurie is making perfect sense (Look you asshat, “Earth’s too important to hinge on one relationship”), and Dr. Gloworm is just ignoring it (and dancing in drag around the Martian desert to ‘I Will Survive’). He then stops the tachyon disco ’cause Laurie’s a buzzkill and tells her exactly what the conversation is going to be, what her confessions are, and essentially silences her with his tales of angst and woe. And then gives us existential whining, with random moments like: “It ends with you [Laurie] in tears...Look there-Olympus Mons approaches!” I did not add that ellipsis, it was there-that is a complete Dr. Gloworm thought. And he actually says that as though it should be comforting. Meanwhile, he admits he’s going to return to earth-thus taking away any tension in the scene. And promptly re-injects it like heroin to the eyeballs by randomly becoming an emoteen: “Does the human heart know chasms so abysmal?”
He has seen the future, and it is My Chemical Romance lyrics.
Just when you’re ready to climb into the book and slit his wrists for him, he chooses to actually point out Laurie’s character flaws:
“...but you yourself refuse to see my viewpoint, letting your emotions blind you...You’re deliberately shutting out understanding, as if you’re afraid; as if you’re too delicate.”
Oh my God, I love that someone finally calls her on Alan Moore’s her shit!
Unfortunately, this is when Laurie loses her shit, and smashes Priscilla (the ship she is floating on at a real altitude) to pieces. Something in this must be endearing. Or persuasive. Or maybe Dr. Gloworm's omniscient switch went on and he saw ahead to this review and realised now would be the time to get his ass back in gear. Whichever it was, Dr. Gloworm creates a protective shield around them as Priscilla dies, and suddenly is enthusiastic (or as enthusiastic as he gets):
“Dry your eyes, for you are life, rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg...let’s go home.”
Sigh. Pillowtalk was never so Nazi-sexy.
It takes Rorschach and Nite Owl another thirty-pages to actually get to the climax: Antarctica. As in penguin land. Because when you think “Happy Feet”, you think Evil Villian's Lair. I mean, seriously, the worst thing I can think of happening in the Antarctic is this.
You know the superhero cliché that they’ve got a something for every occasion? Okay, Nite Owl’s costume looks dumb enough on its own, but then he adds this art student arctic smock and by the dumbass powers combined, he looks even stupider. Meanwhile Rorschach is chillin’ like a villain in his usual trench coat. In a blizzard.
In the end, it’s Ozymandias’s realism that devastates half of New York. But the way the book resolves the entire matter is ridiculous. In fact, the whole evil plot is completely ridiculous. In plain, non-pretentious English: “I created a monster so that everyone will think aliens have landed. It will explode on impact, wipe out half of New York, and end all current and future conflicts.”
Russia actually pulls out of Afghanistan for this shit.
...
Because what the world really needed was a bombed to hell ET to fix the Cold War.
But what really makes it even more insane (and anti-femininity) is that the monster is actually what I have dubbed “Squidgina”. Yes, Squidgina. The biggest plot point is a genetically engineered, not-found-in-nature, apocalyptic squid with a woman's crotch for a face. The clitoris is an eyeball that does not blink and the vagina is its mouth. With a brain on top. “Who watches the Watchmen” you ask? Clitbrain does.
It’s well documented that more boys read comic books than girls. So what better way to make women feel less accepted in the comic book world (where many retreat when society rejects them), than to create a monster that destroys half a major city in their genitalia’s likeness?
Maybe it’s suppose to support this concept of women’s power through sex? After all, the giant vagina has a massive brain on top. That’s got to count for something, right? Maybe it's about 'that which gave life can take it away'?
I dunno about you, but it’s still not exactly a comforting argument considering it’s a fucking monster that dies immediately and takes with it half a city.
Dr. Gloworm and Laurie reappear at this moment, smack in the middle of the destruction of New York. Laurie’s stunning reaction to the mass of bodies, the carnage of buildings, the unimaginable loss of life: “Tandoori To Go. That’s all they went out for, these people...Tandoori To Go.”
Although, to her credit, it’s hard not to giggle at some of the images. One senses a morbid humour from the illustrator: Madison Square Garden had Krystalnacht and Pale Horse playing (Adrien “Ozymandias” Veidt is German and the pale horse of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse signifies escalated death), the Utopia movie theatre is playing “The Day the Earth Stood Still”, newspapers littering the ground have headlines like “The Veidt Method: I Will Give You Bodies Beyond Your Wildest Imaginings”, and Squidgina’s genitalic face is sitting eyeball-open on top the “Institute for Spatial Studies”.
So Squidgina is dead all over New York, the death toll is astronomical (approximately three million), and all because Ozymandias believed in his “masterstroke”.
Kill millions, save...a thousand. Maybe?
Because in this, our realist world, war is the only way to maintain and expand power. If that’s the way it was before, then we can assume the cycle of ideals will take us back to it again. I believe that an idea can start a war, just like it can end one-but that doesn’t mean the cycle won’t continue. Look at September 11. Despite the lack of conflict, we were still firm believers in real American power and hegemony over the globe. Then a counter-idea attacked us. Thousands of people died, and it was terrible-the country came together and for a brief moment, we found peace and solace in one another. And then came the realist War. The war on an ideas.
Back in the story, Ozymandias radiations apart Dr. Gloworm (for the second time in that dude’s life, ’cause, you know, if he’s put himself back together once, he can’t do it again or anything) and, well, Laurie’s just been having a bad day. And Laurie got a gun. So Laurie decides to do something useful for once in her pathetic life, and tries to shoot the “asshole”. It’s a very sweet gesture, since, you know, guns are the easiest weapons and it takes no real skill to fire one. But unfortunately, the man apparently learnt to catch bullets in his free time and puts her out of commission with one kick.
Dr. Gloworm then re-…glowsifies?...-animates?...-exists and is suddenly 100-foot-tall Dr. ANGRIWORM. He has two seconds in which he says “Bitch, please” to Ozymandias, and then gets stumped because the news reels are coming in.
Oh convenient plot points, how very useful you are at cockblocking the massive pwnage.
I’ve waited how many fucking pages to see absolutely NO CLIMAX?!
You know what? With Breaking Dawn, I could deal with that. Stephenie Meyer’s a crap writer who’s too in love with herself Bella and her team of Dazzle-teers to ever kill them off, even after almost 1000 pages of pwnage blue balls.
But Alan Moore. I expect more of you. No, not all bad people meet bad ends. But these are supposed to be the ulti-fucking-mate PWNERS. SO PWN ALREADY.
Anyway.
Ozymandias is allowed to survive, because somehow, these watchmen of humanity have deemed his ends worthy.
…wait, what happened to their outcry to the means?! (They all just wanted Tandoori To Go!)
The concept of the ‘short-term’ is clearly only in one character’s vocabulary (Dr Gloworm is randomly omniscient again!). And only Rorschach tries to go back to New York to tell the truth, but not because he knows it’s a temporary fix and that there can be no end to conflict.
No, his moral fibre is chaffing! “Evil must be punished” dammit!
Unfortunately for Rorschach, Dr. Gloworm drank his precognitive Kool Aid and hopped on the crazy train.
I’ll give Rorschach credit, he’s a good anti-hero. He actually demands Dr. Gloworm radiate him to bits (and not the regenerating way), because he will not keep quiet.
But how does our active heroine react to this decimating set of events?
Sex.
No really, she falls to the ground, weeping, and this is the actual exchange that follows:
Laurie: "Dan, all those people, they're dead. They can't disagree or eat Indian food or love each other...Oh, it's sweet. Being alive is so sweet."
Nite Owl: "Laurie? Wh-what do you want me to do?"
Laurie: "I want you to love me."
They make sweet, adoring love and fall asleep in each other’s arms, and it’s all happiness and hearts and huggles.
Except she does this in full knowledge that her ex-lover is in the same building and will more than likely walk in on them, as he eventually does. He looks at their naked, sleeping bodies with a cross between “Woe” and “Thank fuck”.
Gloworm then becomes Glo-spider, and starts climbing the walls to talk to Ozymandias. Really, he just wants to hand Ozymandias his conscience on a plate-with angst-ridden cream and existential sprinkles on top!
Ozymandias: “I did the right thing, didn’t I? It all worked out in the end.”
Dr. Gloworm: “‘In the end’? Nothing ends, Adrian. Nothing ever ends.
Ozymandias: “Jon? Wait! What do you mean by...”
Dr. Gloworm then...absconds?...vamooses?...goes forth to create some new life.
Jesus, aren’t you supposed to be the smartest man in the world?! Get with it, Ozymandias! You’re a realist jackhole who got carried away with your own self-importance. You didn’t think you could end world conflicts, you just wanted the glory of thinking you could.
Sigh. Men.
In the final scenes with the heroes, Nite Owl and Laurie have adopted new aliases and go to visit Laurie's mother. Laurie confesses she knows who her real father is, and Sally's truly Shakespearean response is: "It was just an afternoon, in the summer". Aw, well, any other season, it would not have happened--but summer, O summer, how you get us wimmens all hawt and bothered.
The final frame of any woman in the book is Sally's lipstick kiss over the Comedian's head, as she cries on her bed. Ah love. It's a many abused splendored thing.
People always say this book has an amazing plot, that it’s intelligent and powerful. I won’t lie, I bought into some of this book. It’s creative and a very fresh outlook on superheroes. However, it’s very difficult as a woman to truly appreciate it. And when you look deeper into the plot, it’s really not all that intricate or special. It’s a superhero run away with his own narcissism, only instead of choosing to save, he chose to kill. (To save?!) He had the narcissism to believe he could end war with one Insta-death Encounter of a Third Kind. The realism seeps through from the government, to the heroes, to the relationships. In this end, there are no friends, there are no good intentions-there is just power, and Ozymandias had it in this story.
And all the women really, really didn’t.
"But what really makes it even more insane is that the monster is actually what I have dubbed “Squidgina”. Yes, Squidgina. The biggest plot point is a genetically engineered, not-found-in-nature, apocalyptic squid with a woman's crotch for a face. The clitoris is an eyeball that does not blink and the vagina is its mouth. With a brain on top. “Who watches the Watchmen” you ask? Clitbrain does."
By the way, best. picture. ever.
