"Gray, These Rainy Skies, Tomorrow Will Be Blue"
Well here it is, time again to update this thing.
Last time I wrote I was feeling uneasy about my relationship with Mike. Well, it turned out I was just being paranoid at the moment. Mike and I had a beautiful thing, and he made me feel better than anyone ever has in the past.
Unfortunately, Mike told me two weeks ago that he didn’t want us to date anymore. His excuse was that he just wasn’t ready for a boyfriend, so, while it made me really sad, I understood his position. I praised him for being honest, and he told me he wanted to stay in my life. He actually has been talking to me for a bit every few days, which, to say the truth, has helped a little with the pain of loosing him.
Since we “broke-up” (we weren’t exactly boyfriends yet), I have been feeling more alone than I ever had before in my life. Margaret and Andy are in Europe traveling for a couple of months. Another one of my best friends, Dan (the guy who I’ve written about here before - not the cocaine snorting one), has been acting really strange and avoiding my calls. Meaghan has been too busy with two jobs; I have seen her a few times since and we’ve talked, but not as much as I’d want to.
Well, yesterday I finally talked to Dan and he was straight with me. He called and we chatted for a bit, and then he told me we had something to talk about. So apparently he has “kinda been dating Mike” since we broke up. I can’t even begin to describe the pain that this has caused me, and I can’t seem to pick myself up from the ground. It didn’t hurt as much loosing Mike, but knowing I lost him to one of my best friends hurts me deeper than anything has ever hurt me before.
I lost two of the most important people in my life, and I didn’t even do anything wrong. It makes me very sad to know that two people who supposedly care about me, and who I cared about deeply would do something like this to me. It bothers me to think that, while I am here hurting and crying unstoppably by something they did, they are happy. It bothers me to know that I am alone when I need a shoulder to cry on the most, and they are together.
To tell the truth, I am not angry at Mike at all, whether I should be or not. He made me feel happier and more special than anyone ever has before (relationship-wise). He was the first person that has ever made me feel incredibly sexy, and I thank him for that. Dan on the other hand, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive.
Mike and I had never had a talk about our relationship, so in theory we were both allowed to see other people. I was hoping he wouldn’t, and I didn’t even feel the need to look at another guy at all during that time. As for Dan, he knew how much Mike meant to me, and he still went on and did this. He once told me he considered me one of his best friends and he’d do anything for me. Well now I can see that was just a load of bullshit.
I keep blaming myself, thinking I should have stopped it. Dan asked me for Mike’s number ‘cause “he had a really bad neck pain” and he needed a massage (Mike’s a massage therapist). When he asked me I wanted to say ‘no,’ because I felt jealousy and I got a bad feeling, but I didn’t think one of my best friends would ever betray me like this. I wanted to say jokingly “strictly business” or “keep your hands to yourself,” but I thought he might get offended. And now I wonder whether, if I had said something like that, maybe Mike and I would still be together and Dan would still be my friend. But I didn’t, and now I am in pain.
I am feeling hate inside of me like I never have before. I always try to accept people’s differences and, while I don’t like everyone I meet, I never have felt hate towards anyone. Right now I am full of hate towards Dan and I don’t like it. I wish I could just get it together, move on, and let him and Mike be happy, but I can’t. I want to inflict the same pain on him as I am feeling now. I want them to break up, so he realizes what he lost with me, all for a little fling with Mike.
Two years ago, a girl from work told me I was the nicest person she had ever met. She said that she hoped I would never change the person I was, and told me not to let life toughen me up and take that away from me. Unfortunately now, exactly two years later, I look back and think of how much I have changed. There is a whole side to me that has come out, and I don’t particularly like it. It is the side that wishes the worst for other people, like I am wishing now for Dan.Unfortunatelly, I can’t help my feelings.
I always have thought people always come into your life for a reason. I think Mike came into mine to make me feel better about myself. He made me feel sexy enough to feel comfortable wearing next to nothing in public this past Halloween. As for Dan, I am not so sure. I think I came into his life for one of two reasons: we were either meant to be very good friends and be there for each other, or I was just meant to serve as a connection for him to meet Mike. If things work out between them, I guess it’s the second option. If not, I guess I was meant to be his best friend, and he fucked that up.
I feel so empty right now. When Dan told me this -over the phone on my way to school in a crowded bus-, I couldn’t stop shaking. I thought about going to class and toughing it out, but I began to cry like I haven’t in years (in front of everyone, which was embarrassing), and decided to come home instead. By the time I got here I felt a void inside, and I still do. It feels as if someone had reached inside of me and taken my soul.
I thought maybe Mike could be the one, and I felt contempt about it. A month ago I felt the happiest I’ve ever felt in my life. I thought my life was complete: I was surrounded by good friends, I felt good with myself, and I had Mike. Right now I feel like I’ve lost a lot of that. I can’t seem to get myself to care about school, or work, or traveling. We often think all these things were important in life. But then something like this happens and you realize that they are not important at all when you are alone. Our life is nothing without the people in it, and I just managed to loose two of the most important people in my life.
I am alone, and I’ve come to realize life never has a “happy ending.” Life will always continue to be full of ups and downs. The only thing that we can do is get ready for the ride, and deal with things as they come up.
Right now I am shattered and I am not sure how to get my life together, but I’m sure I will find a way somehow. I am sure that in a few weeks I will look back at this, and think that it is their loss for giving up on me like that. I am sure that eventually I will stop blaming myself for this, for not being good enough, or handsome enough, or successful enough for Mike. Maybe some of the hate will even go away, but I am not so sure I can forgive Dan for betraying me.
But I guess that is it. You got to make the best out of the things you’re given and enjoy the time you have with the people that come into your life. You never know how long people will stay in your life, and what effect they will have on you. I have to get life together and move on, and hold my head up high, because at least I kept my integrity. I gave both these people the best of me, and I have nothing to regret.
I need to keep positive that there has to be other loyal people like me somewhere out there, who are faithful friends and boyfriends, and hope that some day I will meet one of them and I will never be hurt again. But I think I’ll give it another day of crying before I get myself back together.
Life has a fucked-up way of showing you that, when you think something is too good to be true, it probably is. But I got to be thankful for the positive things, people and opportunities life has given me. It is only a matter of days until the sun is shinning in my life again.
Last time I wrote I was feeling uneasy about my relationship with Mike. Well, it turned out I was just being paranoid at the moment. Mike and I had a beautiful thing, and he made me feel better than anyone ever has in the past.
Unfortunately, Mike told me two weeks ago that he didn’t want us to date anymore. His excuse was that he just wasn’t ready for a boyfriend, so, while it made me really sad, I understood his position. I praised him for being honest, and he told me he wanted to stay in my life. He actually has been talking to me for a bit every few days, which, to say the truth, has helped a little with the pain of loosing him.
Since we “broke-up” (we weren’t exactly boyfriends yet), I have been feeling more alone than I ever had before in my life. Margaret and Andy are in Europe traveling for a couple of months. Another one of my best friends, Dan (the guy who I’ve written about here before - not the cocaine snorting one), has been acting really strange and avoiding my calls. Meaghan has been too busy with two jobs; I have seen her a few times since and we’ve talked, but not as much as I’d want to.
Well, yesterday I finally talked to Dan and he was straight with me. He called and we chatted for a bit, and then he told me we had something to talk about. So apparently he has “kinda been dating Mike” since we broke up. I can’t even begin to describe the pain that this has caused me, and I can’t seem to pick myself up from the ground. It didn’t hurt as much loosing Mike, but knowing I lost him to one of my best friends hurts me deeper than anything has ever hurt me before.
I lost two of the most important people in my life, and I didn’t even do anything wrong. It makes me very sad to know that two people who supposedly care about me, and who I cared about deeply would do something like this to me. It bothers me to think that, while I am here hurting and crying unstoppably by something they did, they are happy. It bothers me to know that I am alone when I need a shoulder to cry on the most, and they are together.
To tell the truth, I am not angry at Mike at all, whether I should be or not. He made me feel happier and more special than anyone ever has before (relationship-wise). He was the first person that has ever made me feel incredibly sexy, and I thank him for that. Dan on the other hand, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive.
Mike and I had never had a talk about our relationship, so in theory we were both allowed to see other people. I was hoping he wouldn’t, and I didn’t even feel the need to look at another guy at all during that time. As for Dan, he knew how much Mike meant to me, and he still went on and did this. He once told me he considered me one of his best friends and he’d do anything for me. Well now I can see that was just a load of bullshit.
I keep blaming myself, thinking I should have stopped it. Dan asked me for Mike’s number ‘cause “he had a really bad neck pain” and he needed a massage (Mike’s a massage therapist). When he asked me I wanted to say ‘no,’ because I felt jealousy and I got a bad feeling, but I didn’t think one of my best friends would ever betray me like this. I wanted to say jokingly “strictly business” or “keep your hands to yourself,” but I thought he might get offended. And now I wonder whether, if I had said something like that, maybe Mike and I would still be together and Dan would still be my friend. But I didn’t, and now I am in pain.
I am feeling hate inside of me like I never have before. I always try to accept people’s differences and, while I don’t like everyone I meet, I never have felt hate towards anyone. Right now I am full of hate towards Dan and I don’t like it. I wish I could just get it together, move on, and let him and Mike be happy, but I can’t. I want to inflict the same pain on him as I am feeling now. I want them to break up, so he realizes what he lost with me, all for a little fling with Mike.
Two years ago, a girl from work told me I was the nicest person she had ever met. She said that she hoped I would never change the person I was, and told me not to let life toughen me up and take that away from me. Unfortunately now, exactly two years later, I look back and think of how much I have changed. There is a whole side to me that has come out, and I don’t particularly like it. It is the side that wishes the worst for other people, like I am wishing now for Dan.Unfortunatelly, I can’t help my feelings.
I always have thought people always come into your life for a reason. I think Mike came into mine to make me feel better about myself. He made me feel sexy enough to feel comfortable wearing next to nothing in public this past Halloween. As for Dan, I am not so sure. I think I came into his life for one of two reasons: we were either meant to be very good friends and be there for each other, or I was just meant to serve as a connection for him to meet Mike. If things work out between them, I guess it’s the second option. If not, I guess I was meant to be his best friend, and he fucked that up.
I feel so empty right now. When Dan told me this -over the phone on my way to school in a crowded bus-, I couldn’t stop shaking. I thought about going to class and toughing it out, but I began to cry like I haven’t in years (in front of everyone, which was embarrassing), and decided to come home instead. By the time I got here I felt a void inside, and I still do. It feels as if someone had reached inside of me and taken my soul.
I thought maybe Mike could be the one, and I felt contempt about it. A month ago I felt the happiest I’ve ever felt in my life. I thought my life was complete: I was surrounded by good friends, I felt good with myself, and I had Mike. Right now I feel like I’ve lost a lot of that. I can’t seem to get myself to care about school, or work, or traveling. We often think all these things were important in life. But then something like this happens and you realize that they are not important at all when you are alone. Our life is nothing without the people in it, and I just managed to loose two of the most important people in my life.
I am alone, and I’ve come to realize life never has a “happy ending.” Life will always continue to be full of ups and downs. The only thing that we can do is get ready for the ride, and deal with things as they come up.
Right now I am shattered and I am not sure how to get my life together, but I’m sure I will find a way somehow. I am sure that in a few weeks I will look back at this, and think that it is their loss for giving up on me like that. I am sure that eventually I will stop blaming myself for this, for not being good enough, or handsome enough, or successful enough for Mike. Maybe some of the hate will even go away, but I am not so sure I can forgive Dan for betraying me.
But I guess that is it. You got to make the best out of the things you’re given and enjoy the time you have with the people that come into your life. You never know how long people will stay in your life, and what effect they will have on you. I have to get life together and move on, and hold my head up high, because at least I kept my integrity. I gave both these people the best of me, and I have nothing to regret.
I need to keep positive that there has to be other loyal people like me somewhere out there, who are faithful friends and boyfriends, and hope that some day I will meet one of them and I will never be hurt again. But I think I’ll give it another day of crying before I get myself back together.
Life has a fucked-up way of showing you that, when you think something is too good to be true, it probably is. But I got to be thankful for the positive things, people and opportunities life has given me. It is only a matter of days until the sun is shinning in my life again.