(no subject)

[claudia_lexan]

Author: claudia_lexan
Fandom: Supernatural
Word Count: 4,244
Rating: NC-17
Notes: Thank you to my beta Mago186.
Notes: Au, univerise. The title of this story is from the Blue October song - Hate Me. finally posting another part, after re-writing this chapter several times.
Disclaimer: These are not characters of my own creation
Summary: what if Dean was the little brother. Sam still went away to college but he left his little brother with his dad figuring, foolishly, that he could trust his old man to take care of him.


Sam had kissed him.

His older brother, the one person he had slowly begun to let his defenses down for had kissed him. With that one simple act, Sam was no longer his brother. Sam was just another person who wanted to use him for sex. Instead of talking to Sam like a sensible, normal person, he had reacted in the opposite way. He had hit Sam, drawing blood and possibly breaking his nose. He had then stormed out of the motel room they were sharing, taken the impala and driven straight to Bobby’s.

It didn’t occur to him that he should have phoned Sam to let him know he was okay. He didn’t want to know if he had broken Sam’s nose. He wasn’t interested.

“Are you ready to tell me what happened?” Bobby asked. Since Dean’s arrival at his home nearly three hours ago, he had made no effort to start a conversation. He had just given Dean a coffee and left him alone.

“Where are the dogs?” Dean asked. He wasn’t ready to talk to Bobby about Sam. He was in no mood to describe just how screwed up his family relationships were. He didn’t want to admit that he was a failure.

“Sleeping.”

He put his mug of coffee on the porch next to his chair and got up. He couldn’t sit still when he had to talk about his past. He had to keep moving so that it would be easier to leave. Looking at Bobby, he could see small similarities of his dad staring back at him. That made him nervous and wary, but he wasn’t going to ignore Bobby’s question just because of those feelings. He wasn’t going to push another person out of his life. “Sam kissed me.”

It was by sheer force of will that the older man managed to keep his eyebrows from rising. Dean did not need his disapproval. He needed someone who was willing to listen to him, but not judge. “What caused Sam to kiss you?”

“Do you remember Jerry Parowski the guy dad and I saved from a poltergeist?”

“Yeah. He handled the existence of the supernatural far better than most people we meet. Is he still the lead mechanic for United Britannia Airlines?” He knew very well what Jerry did for work. He had formed a relationship with the man. He had helped Jerry to understand the supernatural world so that the man would be better able to protect himself.

“He phoned me, asking for my help with a plane crash.”

“I haven’t heard anything about a plane crash.” A plane of any type usually made national news. The fact it remained unreported made him suspicious.

“It wasn’t a plane full of children. The crash had seven survivors and it was by questioning them we discovered a possessed man had opened the pressure sealed hatch. To prevent another plane crash we had to go on a plane and perform an exorcism mid flight.”

“Shit, how did you manage to get on the plane and make it though the flight?” He was one of the only people who knew how much Dean hated to be confined to small places without any chance of a quick exit.

“Hummed some metallica songs. After twenty minutes, I turned all of my focus on the job. I didn’t want my uneasiness to be used against me by the demon. Through the entire flight and hunt, Sam kept looking at me oddly. It wasn’t until we got back to the motel that he kissed me.”

Unwilling to cast judgement on Sam’s actions without knowing why Sam had kissed Dean without warning he asked, “Did he at least explain why he kissed you?”

“I didn’t wait for an explanation. I just had to get out of the motel room.”

“Does Sam know you are here?” He knew that Sam would be worried about Dean’s state of mind and safety.

“No.”

“You need to let him know your okay.”

He looked out across the front yard and attempted to calm his emotions to the point where his answer to Bobby wouldn’t be rude. “Sam doesn’t need to know my every movement. I need time to relax. I am not going to get that with Sam by my side.”

“I understand that you need a little space from him, but you need to let him know you’re safe and okay.”

“How can you even understand what I need?”

“You can’t keep pushing people away every time they get to close. Can you honestly tell me that you don’t feel the same way towards him? If anyone else had done this to you and it wasn’t wanted you would be in a police cell right now on an assault charge.”

Taking a breath, he found the strength to reply with words that were painful. “This has happened to me before and I never ended up in a police cell.”

“What John did does not compare to Sam’s kiss. Sam loves you and I know he would never hurt you.”

“Dad loves me but he still hurt me. What Sam did may have been different but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

Knowing that the next words he spoke would only draw Dean’s anger towards him, he calmly asked, “How has Sam hurt you?”

“He lied to me. He told me he was ready to be a big brother but he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. He only wants one thing from me and it’s nothing to do with love.”

He could only shake his head in sadness at Dean’s low opinion of himself. Sam’s love wasn’t something that came with strings attached. He had to help Dean realize that. “Why do you believe Sam would use you?”

“It’s all I’m good for.”

“Dean, sit down.” As he patiently waited for Dean to get seated and comfortable, his anger for John grew even more. That man had turned Dean into an emotional, scared young man. Where most men of Dean’s age would be full of confidence, Dean was sadly lacking. “Do you believe a person who had experienced a harsh childhood should be denied any kind of happiness as an adult?”

“No.”

“Why do you believe that happiness isn’t an emotion you should be allowed to have?”

Looking at some unseen point on the porch, he replied. “When I was a kid I always had to be perfect in everything I did. Every weapon I cleaned took hours because it had to be perfect. If someone passed comment on how I had cleaned those weapons I took it as a failure.”

“Every person goes though a period in their life when things have to be done in a precise manner. There is nothing wrong with a little perfection.”

“Most people can stop before that need for perfection gets obsessive. I couldn’t stop Bobby. With me, it reached the stage when every time dad would raise his voice to me I would start cleaning a weapon. I even cleaned a gun when the impala was parked outside a police station. That isn’t normal behaviour.”

“When did you stop?”

“I never managed to stop completely. I am not so obsessive about it now but with Sam and I being in close quarters again the tension between us has become unbearable. To deal with some of that tension, I clean all the weapons we have. Sam always thinks that I am just being a perfectionist when it comes to weapons maintenance. He doesn’t realize that I am doing it to deflect certain responses from him.”

“Sam is nothing like John. He doesn’t expect you to be perfect. He just wants you to be happy,” Bobby said. He couldn’t quite believe that he was being so free with his emotions, but Dean didn’t need his usual gruffness.

“I know Sam isn’t like dad, but sometimes he does things that remind me of dad and it scares me. I hate feeling like that.”

“Why do you so feel so guilty for feeling something so normal?”

Curling his lips slightly in disgust at how emotional the conversation was becoming he said, “I’ve seen supernatural beings that would scare the sane, insane. Not once did I feel any fear. My childhood wasn’t … conventional, but I can’t use that as an excuse for being scared.”

“Stop trying to dismiss what John has done to you. He took away your childhood. Don’t let him take away Sam.”

“What are you, my therapist?”

“Don’t attempt to stop this conversation with a joke. You came to my house for a reason. It wasn’t to tell me about the kiss. We both know that Sam has no hidden agenda so why are you here?”

“It’s … stupid.” He paused, but was unable to hold in the words that burst out. “Fuck, first you start acting like my therapist and now you’re like some chick with PMS. I’m not going to share all of my secrets with you.”

“I’ll let the swear word and insults pass for now. I’ll put it down to the nature of this conversation. I have watched you grow up and I consider you the son I never had. I bitterly regret that I didn’t know badly John treated you. I want to help you Dean.”

“How Dad chose to raise me wasn’t your fault.”

“Who do you blame yourself? What John did isn’t your fault. There are just some people who should never be parents.”

“He is still my dad. Without him, I wouldn’t be who I am today.”

“Who you are has nothing to do with that man. Any kindness, compassion and good nature you have comes from your mom. John has only given you the life of a soldier.”

“Don’t talk about my dad like that. He may have made many mistakes, but he is still my dad. You have no right to bad mouth him.”

“I owe John nothing. I only want you to feel safe and comfortable with me. I want you to be able to tell me what bought you here.”

“Sam…”

“It has nothing to do with a kiss.”

“Damn it Bobby give me a chance to complete a sentence. Sam kissed me and that may have been what caused me to drive to your house. It’s not why I am here. Sam …he loves me more than a brother should. I’m not stupid to miss the way he looks at me. Dad used to look at me the same way. I know Sam isn’t like dad, but I don’t want to take the risk. I don’t want to fail.”

John was going to pay for what he had done to Dean. In the past few days, Bobby had gone from wanting to kill John to making the man suffer. Now he wanted the man to know what it was like to lose everything he valued. It was petty of him to want to inflict that type of punishment on John, but he felt as if it was justified. “When have you ever failed at anything?”

“When I was on a hunt with dad I was never quick enough with a gun. He would always get injured.”

“I would bet that those injuries are no more serious than bruise or a cut that may have required a few stitches. Those types of injuries are commonplace for hunters. You can’t stop them from happening.”

“He broke an arm once. I could have stopped that from happening.”

“Was the cause a hunt or a bar fight.”

“It was a hunt that involved an angry spirit who liked to hurt kids.” It had never occurred to Dean that when the hunt had taken place he was 14. To most people he was still a kid at that age. For him, his childhood had ended the moment the abuse had begun.

“How old were you when this hunt took place?”

“Old enough.”

“That means John used you as bait to draw out the spirit. Most spirits are violent and you can never predict their reactions or behaviour. It was the spirit who injured John, you are not responsible.”

“I should have been better prepared.”

“Dean, you are not a failure. No one can be prepared for every event in life. The relationship you have with Sam will not be perfect, but nothing ever is. You need to accept that.”

Licking his lips Dean asked, “What happens if I have too many flashbacks? I have never been the best at expressing my emotions. I can’t relate to most people. I view most with distrust. How long will it be before Sam gets fed up with me and leaves?”

John was definitely going to lose everything. He would make sure hunters only gave John the smallest amount of information to complete a hunt. There would be no easy or endless supply of weapons. John would have to work harder. “Sam will never leave you.”

“We didn’t have any contact for six years. How can I accept him as more than a brother when I don’t know if he will stay with me?”

“Do you trust Sam?”

“Yes.” Dean’s answer had been said so quickly and without hesitation that he knew it was the truth. That simple knowledge filled him with a happiness he rarely felt.