(no subject)
Author: claudia_lexan
Fandom: Supernatural
Word Count: 2,345
Rating: NC-17
Notes: Thank you to my beta Mago186.
Notes: Au, univerise. The title opf this story is from the Blue October song - Hate Me.
Disclaimer: These are not characters of my own creation
Summary: what if Dean was the little brother. Sam still went away to college but he left his little brother with his dad figuring, foolishly, that he could trust his old man to take care of him.
Hate Me - Part One
Hate Me - Part Two
“You’re an idiot,” Sam said. On his first hunt with Dean in six years it had very nearly gone tragically wrong. Dean had managed to get taken by the Wendigo they had been hunting. He only managed to find Dean by a trail of M&M’s his brother left behind. M&M’s any woodland creature could have eaten.
“Is that a dig at my lack of a high school education or are you just being an asshole?” Dean asked. He had wanted to spend at least an hour in the shower getting rid of the last few days of dirt and grime. He wanted to enjoy the rare chance to chill out and relax, but he wasn’t going to get that. Sam had just managed to wait until he sat down on the bed before starting a fight with him. What happened to Sam just being his big brother?
“You used M&M’s to leave a trail. They could have melted. Anything in those woods could have eaten them and I never would have found you in time!” Sam said. Some of the worry and panic he felt while searching for a missing Dean shining though his words.
“M&M’s were the only available things I had with me. What would you have used because I’d sure like to know?” Dean asked. He wasn’t going to let Sam tell him how things should be done on the hunt. Sam had spent six years living a life that he had only ever seen on television or in the movies. Sam was rusty and out of shape.
“You could have used something a little less edible.”
“Are you intentionally ignoring what I say? M&M’s were all I had,” Dean said and from the look on Sam’s face, he knew that there was now no chance of him getting that shower.
“I was worried about you Dean,” Sam admitted as he chose to look at a spot on the wall just behind Dean. He was not going to make eye contact with his brother. He had been the person who taught Dean how to walk. He had changed Dean’s diapers on a regular basis. Looking at his brother now only provoked thoughts in him that were not of the brotherly kind. He shouldn’t be viewing Dean as a person he wanted to make love to.
There were a thousand and one questions he wanted to ask Sam, but he thought better of it. To hear Sam say he was worried about him was unexpected, but surprisingly nice. It had been years since anyone said those words to him and meant it, but he couldn’t let Sam know that was what he was thinking. So he did what he normally did when it came to showing any kind of emotion; he bottled it all up and acted the part of an emotionally stunted man. “You don’t need to worry about me Sam, I’m okay. I’ve been okay for the last six years and I will continue to be okay after you leave again.”
“Could you just drop the damn attitude for a few minutes? I get that I left you with dad. I know I went six years without contacting you and I’m sorry,” Sam admitted. The brother he had left with their dad six years ago always had a smile on his face; a 14-year-old Dean who, although serious, had a mischievous streak a mile wide; a 14-year-old Dean who was happy with his life and plans for a future that did not include the hunt. A 20-year-old Dean was emotionally stunted, sarcastic and cynical. It was painful to see Dean like that and know that his leaving six years ago had something to do with it.
“I’m not in the mood for twenty questions,” Dean said. He was not going to discuss the last six years of his life just because Sam had made a little speech.
“Since I rejoined you on the hunt we haven’t talked.”
“What do you want me to say?” Dean asked.
There were so many things that he wanted to ask Dean. There were just so many things he wanted to say. “Tell me anything.”
He had nothing to tell Sam that was a happy memory. There wasn’t any part of his life he could point to during the last six years and say that particular event had made him happy. “There was a time when the hunt was all I wanted out of life.”
“Now?” Sam prompted as he sat down next to his brother on the bed. In previous years, he would have pulled Dean into his arms and chased away his fears, but things had changed. Dean was no longer a child and he had stopped being a big brother years ago.
Dean got up from the bed so he wasn’t so close to Sam. He just about resisted the urge to walk out of the motel room and go to the nearest bar. He didn’t want to have this conversation with his brother, but at the very same time, he did. With a voice filled with emotion he very rarely showed he said, “It’s just harder to get though each day. In the last few months the only decent conversation I’ve had has come from the people I hustle for money.”
“Then leave the hunt Dean. Hunting has always been dad’s life. It's dad who wants to find the demon that killed mom. It’s his calling, not ours,” Sam said. Now that he knew Dean was having serious reservations about the hunt, there was a chance he could convince his brother to give up the life.
“The hunt is all I know. It’s all I can do,” Dean admitted sadly.
“There are plenty of things you can do. You could get a GED. You could go to college,” Sam offered.
“College-what good would that be for me?” Dean asked. He knew that Sam always held the belief that college gave a person the chance of a new life. What good would a new life be for him? Who else would save people from the supernatural if he didn’t? How could he walk away from that?
“You could learn to be something. Dean, you are worth so much more than this.” Sam said. He didn’t like the fact that Dean seemed to think he was unworthy of a normal life.
He tired not to be angry with Sam, but Sam refused to believe that he enjoyed the hunt. Sure, he had moments when the hunt became too much and he just wanted a time out. Today just happened to be one of those days when hunting wasn’t the thing he liked to do. He knew that the feeling of unhappiness with the hunt wouldn’t last. What pissed him off was that Sam thought the life he had was worthless and college would be the only thing that could give his life meaning. Well fuck that. What person enjoyed every damn moment of their chosen profession? Licking his lips he said, “I’m just having a few days were the hunt isn’t my favourite thing. I don’t like the way you assume the life I have is worthless.”
“You can have a life that doesn’t include the supernatural,” Sam suggested.
“Look at me and tell me that I will fit into that type of life,” Dean demanded.
Sam did as Dean asked and really looked at him. The first thing noticed was Dean’s eyes. Dean’s eyes spoke of battles hard fought and won. It broke his heart to know Dean would forever have the experiences and attitude of a battle-hardened warrior. He knew that his brother wouldn’t be able to cope with what most people saw as a normal life. He desperately wanted to tell Dean that the hunt didn’t have to be his life, but he couldn’t. It was with a heavy heart he whispered, “I can’t.”
“It’s not so bad Sam. Chicks and guys dig the whole bad guy image,” Dean said casually mentioning to his brother that he was bisexual.
Unable to keep the disbelief out of his voice Sam asked, “Does dad know?”
“He found out when he caught me making out with a guy in our motel room. Dad kicked the guy out of our room and proceeded to give me a two hour lecture on the virtues of safe gay sex. Man, all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and die. It’s fucking embarrassing to get the safe sex talk from your dad when your 17.”
“You were making with some guy when you were 17? Shit Dean! Have you no god damn sense?” Sam snapped. He wasn’t angry or ashamed that Dean was bisexual. Hell it was the best piece of news he had heard in months. It meant that he was in with a chance. He was just angry that Dean had been seducing some guy without a care in the world.
“Fuck Sam, did you seriously think I would still be a virgin when you saw fit to contact me again? I lost my virginity to a girl named Alice when I was 15. A year later, I lost it again to Danny. Both times I was safe, so I don’t need you insulting my intelligence again!”
“You lost your virginity at 15 and 16?” Sam said surprised that his brother had lost is virginity at such a young age.
Sitting back down on the bed, Dean took off his boots, placing them at the end of the bed. He then took off his jacket, neatly folding it before placing it over his boots. Very carefully, he took off his t-shirt, wincing as he did so. He knew that tomorrow he was going to be one big bruise. Being hung up in the Wendigo's cave for a few hours had left him bruised and exhausted. Placing the t-shirt on top of his jacket, he stood up. Once he was standing up, he took the belt out of jeans letting it fall to the floor. He then took off his jeans, making a mental note to find a laundry-mat tomorrow. Instead of folding up his jeans, he threw them into the farthest corner of the motel room.
Now he was just sitting on the bed in his boxers and he only felt marginally better than before.
Then he remembered Sam’s disbelief at the age he had lost his virginity. With a smile, he said, “Compared to most, I was a late starter.”
“Compared with whom exactly? You dropped out of high school. Who have you got to compare yourself to?” Sam demanded.
Raising his left eyebrow, his only show of anger, he said, “I notice other people. Despite everything that has happened, I do know enough that to lose your virginity at 15 is normal. Hell, according to some statistics the average age is 14.”
“I don't care about statistics! You were just 15,” Sam said.
“Sam what happened to you. What happened to make you such a-” he paused briefly to find the right word. “Asshole.”
Instead of admitting that he had been in the wrong with his attitude from the very beginning of the conversation, he once again went on the defensive. He wasn’t going to let Dean make him out to be some kind of a villain. He had been gone for six years and during that time, Dean had turned into a person who saw sex as a meaningless thing. Six years and his brother was changed, but it wasn’t a change for the good. “Fuck you Dean! I’m gone for six years and look how much you have changed. What happened to the brother who wanted more from life than the hunt? What the fuck happened to you.”
“I've seen and done too much to stay the same. I was never going to be an idealist for the rest of my life. The last six years changed me Sam. While you were gone I grew up,” Dean admitted.
“Dad was meant to look after you. He was meant to give you a better life,” Sam said. He had expected their dad to give Dean a life that wasn’t so filled with the hunt. Those expectations had been proved wrong. Their dad had given Dean a life that had been one continuous hunt.
“He did in his own way. You knew what dad was like when it came to finding the demon that killed mom. You knew that when you left me with him I would never get to do normal things,” Dean said. He wasn’t angry with Sam for leaving with their dad…not anymore.
“He was meant to give you a life away from the hunt,” Sam said. He was only now beginning to realize that entrusting their dad to look after Dean had been a mistake.
Running a hand over his face in an effort to wipe the exhaustion from him he said, “Did you really think dad and I would settle in some picture perfect town? Did you expect to come back from college and find us acting out the part of the perfect family?”
“Did dad treat you okay?” Sam asked. With what he had learned about dad’s treatment of Dean it wouldn’t surprise him if their dad had turned abusive. If that was proved to be the case then their dad was dead next time he made an appearance.
“Sam, get of the damn bed I’m tired. I spent most of today strung up like a pig waiting to be slaughtered. Get of this damn bed so I can get some sleep.”
Getting of the bed Sam said, “Dean…”
“The conversation is over Sam. I don’t care what you want to do right now, just leave me alone,” Dean replied as he got under the covers. He wasn’t going to tell Sam about those times their dad had been angry with him and how most of the arguments he had with their dad got out of hand.
“Dean, did dad ever hit you?”
Fandom: Supernatural
Word Count: 2,345
Rating: NC-17
Notes: Thank you to my beta Mago186.
Notes: Au, univerise. The title opf this story is from the Blue October song - Hate Me.
Disclaimer: These are not characters of my own creation
Summary: what if Dean was the little brother. Sam still went away to college but he left his little brother with his dad figuring, foolishly, that he could trust his old man to take care of him.
Hate Me - Part One
Hate Me - Part Two
“You’re an idiot,” Sam said. On his first hunt with Dean in six years it had very nearly gone tragically wrong. Dean had managed to get taken by the Wendigo they had been hunting. He only managed to find Dean by a trail of M&M’s his brother left behind. M&M’s any woodland creature could have eaten.
“Is that a dig at my lack of a high school education or are you just being an asshole?” Dean asked. He had wanted to spend at least an hour in the shower getting rid of the last few days of dirt and grime. He wanted to enjoy the rare chance to chill out and relax, but he wasn’t going to get that. Sam had just managed to wait until he sat down on the bed before starting a fight with him. What happened to Sam just being his big brother?
“You used M&M’s to leave a trail. They could have melted. Anything in those woods could have eaten them and I never would have found you in time!” Sam said. Some of the worry and panic he felt while searching for a missing Dean shining though his words.
“M&M’s were the only available things I had with me. What would you have used because I’d sure like to know?” Dean asked. He wasn’t going to let Sam tell him how things should be done on the hunt. Sam had spent six years living a life that he had only ever seen on television or in the movies. Sam was rusty and out of shape.
“You could have used something a little less edible.”
“Are you intentionally ignoring what I say? M&M’s were all I had,” Dean said and from the look on Sam’s face, he knew that there was now no chance of him getting that shower.
“I was worried about you Dean,” Sam admitted as he chose to look at a spot on the wall just behind Dean. He was not going to make eye contact with his brother. He had been the person who taught Dean how to walk. He had changed Dean’s diapers on a regular basis. Looking at his brother now only provoked thoughts in him that were not of the brotherly kind. He shouldn’t be viewing Dean as a person he wanted to make love to.
There were a thousand and one questions he wanted to ask Sam, but he thought better of it. To hear Sam say he was worried about him was unexpected, but surprisingly nice. It had been years since anyone said those words to him and meant it, but he couldn’t let Sam know that was what he was thinking. So he did what he normally did when it came to showing any kind of emotion; he bottled it all up and acted the part of an emotionally stunted man. “You don’t need to worry about me Sam, I’m okay. I’ve been okay for the last six years and I will continue to be okay after you leave again.”
“Could you just drop the damn attitude for a few minutes? I get that I left you with dad. I know I went six years without contacting you and I’m sorry,” Sam admitted. The brother he had left with their dad six years ago always had a smile on his face; a 14-year-old Dean who, although serious, had a mischievous streak a mile wide; a 14-year-old Dean who was happy with his life and plans for a future that did not include the hunt. A 20-year-old Dean was emotionally stunted, sarcastic and cynical. It was painful to see Dean like that and know that his leaving six years ago had something to do with it.
“I’m not in the mood for twenty questions,” Dean said. He was not going to discuss the last six years of his life just because Sam had made a little speech.
“Since I rejoined you on the hunt we haven’t talked.”
“What do you want me to say?” Dean asked.
There were so many things that he wanted to ask Dean. There were just so many things he wanted to say. “Tell me anything.”
He had nothing to tell Sam that was a happy memory. There wasn’t any part of his life he could point to during the last six years and say that particular event had made him happy. “There was a time when the hunt was all I wanted out of life.”
“Now?” Sam prompted as he sat down next to his brother on the bed. In previous years, he would have pulled Dean into his arms and chased away his fears, but things had changed. Dean was no longer a child and he had stopped being a big brother years ago.
Dean got up from the bed so he wasn’t so close to Sam. He just about resisted the urge to walk out of the motel room and go to the nearest bar. He didn’t want to have this conversation with his brother, but at the very same time, he did. With a voice filled with emotion he very rarely showed he said, “It’s just harder to get though each day. In the last few months the only decent conversation I’ve had has come from the people I hustle for money.”
“Then leave the hunt Dean. Hunting has always been dad’s life. It's dad who wants to find the demon that killed mom. It’s his calling, not ours,” Sam said. Now that he knew Dean was having serious reservations about the hunt, there was a chance he could convince his brother to give up the life.
“The hunt is all I know. It’s all I can do,” Dean admitted sadly.
“There are plenty of things you can do. You could get a GED. You could go to college,” Sam offered.
“College-what good would that be for me?” Dean asked. He knew that Sam always held the belief that college gave a person the chance of a new life. What good would a new life be for him? Who else would save people from the supernatural if he didn’t? How could he walk away from that?
“You could learn to be something. Dean, you are worth so much more than this.” Sam said. He didn’t like the fact that Dean seemed to think he was unworthy of a normal life.
He tired not to be angry with Sam, but Sam refused to believe that he enjoyed the hunt. Sure, he had moments when the hunt became too much and he just wanted a time out. Today just happened to be one of those days when hunting wasn’t the thing he liked to do. He knew that the feeling of unhappiness with the hunt wouldn’t last. What pissed him off was that Sam thought the life he had was worthless and college would be the only thing that could give his life meaning. Well fuck that. What person enjoyed every damn moment of their chosen profession? Licking his lips he said, “I’m just having a few days were the hunt isn’t my favourite thing. I don’t like the way you assume the life I have is worthless.”
“You can have a life that doesn’t include the supernatural,” Sam suggested.
“Look at me and tell me that I will fit into that type of life,” Dean demanded.
Sam did as Dean asked and really looked at him. The first thing noticed was Dean’s eyes. Dean’s eyes spoke of battles hard fought and won. It broke his heart to know Dean would forever have the experiences and attitude of a battle-hardened warrior. He knew that his brother wouldn’t be able to cope with what most people saw as a normal life. He desperately wanted to tell Dean that the hunt didn’t have to be his life, but he couldn’t. It was with a heavy heart he whispered, “I can’t.”
“It’s not so bad Sam. Chicks and guys dig the whole bad guy image,” Dean said casually mentioning to his brother that he was bisexual.
Unable to keep the disbelief out of his voice Sam asked, “Does dad know?”
“He found out when he caught me making out with a guy in our motel room. Dad kicked the guy out of our room and proceeded to give me a two hour lecture on the virtues of safe gay sex. Man, all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and die. It’s fucking embarrassing to get the safe sex talk from your dad when your 17.”
“You were making with some guy when you were 17? Shit Dean! Have you no god damn sense?” Sam snapped. He wasn’t angry or ashamed that Dean was bisexual. Hell it was the best piece of news he had heard in months. It meant that he was in with a chance. He was just angry that Dean had been seducing some guy without a care in the world.
“Fuck Sam, did you seriously think I would still be a virgin when you saw fit to contact me again? I lost my virginity to a girl named Alice when I was 15. A year later, I lost it again to Danny. Both times I was safe, so I don’t need you insulting my intelligence again!”
“You lost your virginity at 15 and 16?” Sam said surprised that his brother had lost is virginity at such a young age.
Sitting back down on the bed, Dean took off his boots, placing them at the end of the bed. He then took off his jacket, neatly folding it before placing it over his boots. Very carefully, he took off his t-shirt, wincing as he did so. He knew that tomorrow he was going to be one big bruise. Being hung up in the Wendigo's cave for a few hours had left him bruised and exhausted. Placing the t-shirt on top of his jacket, he stood up. Once he was standing up, he took the belt out of jeans letting it fall to the floor. He then took off his jeans, making a mental note to find a laundry-mat tomorrow. Instead of folding up his jeans, he threw them into the farthest corner of the motel room.
Now he was just sitting on the bed in his boxers and he only felt marginally better than before.
Then he remembered Sam’s disbelief at the age he had lost his virginity. With a smile, he said, “Compared to most, I was a late starter.”
“Compared with whom exactly? You dropped out of high school. Who have you got to compare yourself to?” Sam demanded.
Raising his left eyebrow, his only show of anger, he said, “I notice other people. Despite everything that has happened, I do know enough that to lose your virginity at 15 is normal. Hell, according to some statistics the average age is 14.”
“I don't care about statistics! You were just 15,” Sam said.
“Sam what happened to you. What happened to make you such a-” he paused briefly to find the right word. “Asshole.”
Instead of admitting that he had been in the wrong with his attitude from the very beginning of the conversation, he once again went on the defensive. He wasn’t going to let Dean make him out to be some kind of a villain. He had been gone for six years and during that time, Dean had turned into a person who saw sex as a meaningless thing. Six years and his brother was changed, but it wasn’t a change for the good. “Fuck you Dean! I’m gone for six years and look how much you have changed. What happened to the brother who wanted more from life than the hunt? What the fuck happened to you.”
“I've seen and done too much to stay the same. I was never going to be an idealist for the rest of my life. The last six years changed me Sam. While you were gone I grew up,” Dean admitted.
“Dad was meant to look after you. He was meant to give you a better life,” Sam said. He had expected their dad to give Dean a life that wasn’t so filled with the hunt. Those expectations had been proved wrong. Their dad had given Dean a life that had been one continuous hunt.
“He did in his own way. You knew what dad was like when it came to finding the demon that killed mom. You knew that when you left me with him I would never get to do normal things,” Dean said. He wasn’t angry with Sam for leaving with their dad…not anymore.
“He was meant to give you a life away from the hunt,” Sam said. He was only now beginning to realize that entrusting their dad to look after Dean had been a mistake.
Running a hand over his face in an effort to wipe the exhaustion from him he said, “Did you really think dad and I would settle in some picture perfect town? Did you expect to come back from college and find us acting out the part of the perfect family?”
“Did dad treat you okay?” Sam asked. With what he had learned about dad’s treatment of Dean it wouldn’t surprise him if their dad had turned abusive. If that was proved to be the case then their dad was dead next time he made an appearance.
“Sam, get of the damn bed I’m tired. I spent most of today strung up like a pig waiting to be slaughtered. Get of this damn bed so I can get some sleep.”
Getting of the bed Sam said, “Dean…”
“The conversation is over Sam. I don’t care what you want to do right now, just leave me alone,” Dean replied as he got under the covers. He wasn’t going to tell Sam about those times their dad had been angry with him and how most of the arguments he had with their dad got out of hand.
“Dean, did dad ever hit you?”