You're going down, Planet Earth.
Man, fuck ~Earth Day~
What is Earth Day? Isn't every day Earth Day? Why is today Earth Day? If I had to pick an Earth Day, I would pick a slightly less arbitrary one like the one the U.N. uses (the March equinox). If the government wanted to take Planet Earth seriously, they would give us the day off so we can go tear down a smoke stack, fire-bomb a car factory, or tear down our cities with our bare hands. The fact that Earth Day was started by some dude named Gaylord Nelson does nothing to allay my suspicions.
The things people do for Earth Day are often suspicious as well. In response to the question, "What are you doing for Earth Day?" I have heard the following responses:
- I'm going to walk to work!
- I'm going to plant some tomatoes!
- I'm going to eat a salad for lunch!
- I'm going to drink some water!
- I'm going to watch this here movie about polar bears!
all of which are totally bogus gestures. Earth Day ≠ You Day, so no matter how many plants you eat, how many hippie sandals you buy, and how many re-usable "I'm so Green" bags you collect, the Earth still hates you and quietly awaits your demise.
Speaking of polar bears, how come they've become the spirit animal for Earth Day? I thought it used to be the panda. I'm sorry, but bears are a threat -- have we learned nothing?! They're not the talking bears that wear armor and let us ride them into battle. If it's me vs. polar bear, that bear can kiss its sorry ass good-bye; I don't care how extinct it's going to be in twenty years. Why don't you try adapting, Bear! Bears were not meant for this world.
I will only participate in meaningful efforts to save Planet Earth, if that's what we're going to do and if we're going to be genuine about it. For-real Earth Day would involve the full collapse of the industrialised world as we know it and that smells an awful lot like Armageddon to me. The only way to really save the Earth would be to reverse a vast majority of the changes we've made since the Industrial Revolution, and how many people are down with that? We say, "Hay! You're way too industrialised over here! Cut it out! But you! Over there! You're not industrialised enough! Get with it!" Is there a threshold to how advanced we can allow industry to be or do we just keep going until the powers of science and technology approach the power of magic?
At this point, there's way too many of us for us to fend for ourselves -- access to arable land and drinkable water would be an issue. Not actually, but rather we would all be too big of assholes to cooperate and share. (I know I hate sharing. I don't even share my iTunes library and that would be of no cost whatsoever to me.) Therefore, we would have to start eliminating surplus population, beginning with the weak. On For-real Earth Day, the streets would flow with the blood of the infirm.
I don't think that was the Earth Day Senator Gaylord wanted.
The Earth is not friendly!
The Earth wants nothing more than for us to drown in the endless sea of our faults. All the hand-holding in the world is not going to prevent farting -- a significant contributor to the destruction of the ozone! If anything, hand-holding only encourages farting! No one says that they're going to "not fart" for Earth Day. I would be way more impressed by that than if someone told me they were going to paint a decorative flower pot. Not farting takes willpower. Painting terra-cotta creates ugly things that will be filled with sad little dollar-store pansies only to rot and collect dust in a dim corner of the kitchen.
<-- This chick wants nothing more than for us to get the hell out of her face. The only help she needs is the help to fight us, help that we will inadvertently give her as we hasten ourselves to oblivion. Captain Planet did not provide a child of ambiguous ethnicity with a ring that said, "DESTROY ALL HUMANS!" He should have.
And so, for this Earth Day, I will use the lamp with the non-energy-saving light bulb, I will accept a plastic bag, and I will fart mightily, as the only way for us to help Planet Earth is to render it unfit for human life.