Weaponised Egg Salad and other mystery foods.
I made the worst batch of egg salad yesterday. It was so bad that I could hear the Baby Jesus cry.
I am currently suffering from something approximating (if not exactly being) pneumonia, so nothing tastes right in the first place. I can't smell, my teeth hurt and my chest pains from hours of yacking. I thought I might have been hungry, so I went into the kitchen and could find nothing but two country eggs (one suspiciously darker brown, striped and totally differently shaped) and three slices of WonderBread so I thought, "Huzzah -- an egg salad." Who knew such an innocent idea could end in MURDER.
No, that's a lie. It wasn't an innocent idea. I don't even like egg salad.
I wanted to make an egg salad in the least amount of time as possible. Here is the recipe:
Weaponised Egg Salad
Ingredients:
- 2 eggs (one possibly not from a chicken)
- 1,000 white onions
- 3 oz. garlic powder
- Gulden's brown mustard (in the squirty bottle) - 5 big fat squirts
- 1/8 tsp. mayonnaise
- 2 tbs. Kosher salt (thrown over left shoulder)
- black pepper of unknown origin
- an undisclosed amount of cayenne pepper
- calcium-fortified American cheese product; must resemble plastic
- 3 slices WonderBread
1. Boil eggs for almost a whole episode of House.
2. Run cold water over eggs as you do not have time for waiting for them fuckers to cool off.
3. Peel eggs. One will crack easily from a thin shell as a result of DDT poisoning. The other will have to be thrown onto the counter repeatedly.
4. Cut up eggs into irregular pieces. DO include anything that is not white- or yellow-colored. That means it's got extra protein.
5. Cut up onions in more jankified pieces.
6. Sort of mix everything together (except cheese and bread) in a bowl that is much too small.
7. Assemble sandwich. It will be roughly 1.5 sandwiches.
8. Eat 0.5 sandwiches and die.
9. Ressurect yourself and put the other 1.00 sandwich in refrigerator for a day. Be sure to leave one bite in the corner.
10. Come home from work and tear the sandwiches into pieces, first removing cheese product.
11. Feed to dog.
All I have to say is: NEVER AGAIN. And I'm not a bad cook by any means, now I just know not to cook when I'm half dead.
My supervisor offered to buy me lunch again today since I did such a good job pretending to be her last Friday. We ordered from some place in Chinatown that has the hugest menu in the smallest font and decided it was time to try something different today. I ordered the roasted pig congee (which I was told is a sort of rice porridge), although what I got seemed to have chicken and lettuce in it. It was pretty good, though... it only looked like a quart of cum and onions.
When I came home today, a dinner appeared. No one seems to know who cooked it or when. I will not be eating it. The legend continues.
Oh, and...
The early 90's. It was the best of times.
I am currently suffering from something approximating (if not exactly being) pneumonia, so nothing tastes right in the first place. I can't smell, my teeth hurt and my chest pains from hours of yacking. I thought I might have been hungry, so I went into the kitchen and could find nothing but two country eggs (one suspiciously darker brown, striped and totally differently shaped) and three slices of WonderBread so I thought, "Huzzah -- an egg salad." Who knew such an innocent idea could end in MURDER.
No, that's a lie. It wasn't an innocent idea. I don't even like egg salad.
I wanted to make an egg salad in the least amount of time as possible. Here is the recipe:
Weaponised Egg Salad
Ingredients:
- 2 eggs (one possibly not from a chicken)
- 1,000 white onions
- 3 oz. garlic powder
- Gulden's brown mustard (in the squirty bottle) - 5 big fat squirts
- 1/8 tsp. mayonnaise
- 2 tbs. Kosher salt (thrown over left shoulder)
- black pepper of unknown origin
- an undisclosed amount of cayenne pepper
- calcium-fortified American cheese product; must resemble plastic
- 3 slices WonderBread
1. Boil eggs for almost a whole episode of House.
2. Run cold water over eggs as you do not have time for waiting for them fuckers to cool off.
3. Peel eggs. One will crack easily from a thin shell as a result of DDT poisoning. The other will have to be thrown onto the counter repeatedly.
4. Cut up eggs into irregular pieces. DO include anything that is not white- or yellow-colored. That means it's got extra protein.
5. Cut up onions in more jankified pieces.
6. Sort of mix everything together (except cheese and bread) in a bowl that is much too small.
7. Assemble sandwich. It will be roughly 1.5 sandwiches.
8. Eat 0.5 sandwiches and die.
9. Ressurect yourself and put the other 1.00 sandwich in refrigerator for a day. Be sure to leave one bite in the corner.
10. Come home from work and tear the sandwiches into pieces, first removing cheese product.
11. Feed to dog.
All I have to say is: NEVER AGAIN. And I'm not a bad cook by any means, now I just know not to cook when I'm half dead.
My supervisor offered to buy me lunch again today since I did such a good job pretending to be her last Friday. We ordered from some place in Chinatown that has the hugest menu in the smallest font and decided it was time to try something different today. I ordered the roasted pig congee (which I was told is a sort of rice porridge), although what I got seemed to have chicken and lettuce in it. It was pretty good, though... it only looked like a quart of cum and onions.
When I came home today, a dinner appeared. No one seems to know who cooked it or when. I will not be eating it. The legend continues.
Oh, and...
Click to viewThe early 90's. It was the best of times.