true love...is bidding farewell via internet
"and if you have the ability to love
love yourself first
but always be aware of the possibility of
total defeat
whether the reason for that defeat
seems right or wrong"
-Bukowski, from "how to be a great writer"
up side:
im getting into the best physical shape of my life; lots of working out, im really tan from my trips on the lakes and river, and im eating lots of supplements/healthy food.
down side:
i dont really care
i feel like the major in hemingways short story "In Another Country" who only looks out of the window listlessly...but the only difference is i feel like im looking at myself and simply going through the routine, the motions day in and day out
so whats the up side?:
ive been reading non-stop and writing like crazy, basically taking advantange of all this free time. ive read almost every work by hemingway now, a couple works by thompson, and countless others
down side:
all this reading has forced me to reconcile myself with the person i used to be. i managed to forget how i was before what seemed to be a never-ending drunken binge. but all this alone time, plus the reading, writing, and reflection that goes along with it, has forced me to realize how unhappy i really was with the world. i was passionate about revolution; i was passionate about the well-being of the oppressed people of the world. and here i am: over a year later, sober, and its starting to hit me HARD.
i remember nights when i couldnt sleep because i wanted to figure out how to bring consciousness to others. selling papers in the streets and marching, chanting, raising a closed fist at an inevitable dynamo. what happened to that beautiful sunflower soul?
i gave up.
i quit.
i failed.
and the inevitability of the capitalist state weighed down upon me with the weight of ten thousand stars, and just as many drinks to numb the pain.
i really dont know what to say. sorry bukowski, if loving others is for the dogs like you say (and i agree), then this other person fits in there somewhere too.
on another note:
i saw this documentary today on cuban refugees, and there was this sad, old cuban man playing this really melancholic flamenco guitar. im starting to learn how to play it but i still have to memorize the lyrics. the song is called "Allí" or "There," and it remided me that once my troubles blow over im leaving as quickly as possible to spain and not looking back for a moment. ill post the lyrics and my very rough translation below:
Allí donde te conocí
quiero verte otra vez.
Allí bajo aquel framboyán
allí te esperaré.
Allí donde te di mi amor
donde al fin nos quisimos
con loca pasión,
allí no lo olvides mi amor
tu sabes que te espero.
Sabrás lo que sufro por ti
desde que te perdí,
jamás te volveré a ofender
o te volveré a mentir.
Y allí volverá a renacer
bajo la luna llena
aquel amor de ayer.
Habrá paz y felicidad
en nuestro querer.
***********************
There where I knew
I want to see you again.
There under that framboyán
there I will expect you.
There where I gave you my love
where at the end we wanted us
with crazy passion,
there do not forget that my love
you know that I expect you.
You know that I suffer for you
since I lost you,
never will I hurt you again
nor will lie to you again.
And there it will reborn again
under the full moon
that love of yesterday.
There it will be peace and
happiness for us to want.
buenas noches.
love yourself first
but always be aware of the possibility of
total defeat
whether the reason for that defeat
seems right or wrong"
-Bukowski, from "how to be a great writer"
up side:
im getting into the best physical shape of my life; lots of working out, im really tan from my trips on the lakes and river, and im eating lots of supplements/healthy food.
down side:
i dont really care
i feel like the major in hemingways short story "In Another Country" who only looks out of the window listlessly...but the only difference is i feel like im looking at myself and simply going through the routine, the motions day in and day out
so whats the up side?:
ive been reading non-stop and writing like crazy, basically taking advantange of all this free time. ive read almost every work by hemingway now, a couple works by thompson, and countless others
down side:
all this reading has forced me to reconcile myself with the person i used to be. i managed to forget how i was before what seemed to be a never-ending drunken binge. but all this alone time, plus the reading, writing, and reflection that goes along with it, has forced me to realize how unhappy i really was with the world. i was passionate about revolution; i was passionate about the well-being of the oppressed people of the world. and here i am: over a year later, sober, and its starting to hit me HARD.
i remember nights when i couldnt sleep because i wanted to figure out how to bring consciousness to others. selling papers in the streets and marching, chanting, raising a closed fist at an inevitable dynamo. what happened to that beautiful sunflower soul?
i gave up.
i quit.
i failed.
and the inevitability of the capitalist state weighed down upon me with the weight of ten thousand stars, and just as many drinks to numb the pain.
i really dont know what to say. sorry bukowski, if loving others is for the dogs like you say (and i agree), then this other person fits in there somewhere too.
on another note:
i saw this documentary today on cuban refugees, and there was this sad, old cuban man playing this really melancholic flamenco guitar. im starting to learn how to play it but i still have to memorize the lyrics. the song is called "Allí" or "There," and it remided me that once my troubles blow over im leaving as quickly as possible to spain and not looking back for a moment. ill post the lyrics and my very rough translation below:
Allí donde te conocí
quiero verte otra vez.
Allí bajo aquel framboyán
allí te esperaré.
Allí donde te di mi amor
donde al fin nos quisimos
con loca pasión,
allí no lo olvides mi amor
tu sabes que te espero.
Sabrás lo que sufro por ti
desde que te perdí,
jamás te volveré a ofender
o te volveré a mentir.
Y allí volverá a renacer
bajo la luna llena
aquel amor de ayer.
Habrá paz y felicidad
en nuestro querer.
***********************
There where I knew
I want to see you again.
There under that framboyán
there I will expect you.
There where I gave you my love
where at the end we wanted us
with crazy passion,
there do not forget that my love
you know that I expect you.
You know that I suffer for you
since I lost you,
never will I hurt you again
nor will lie to you again.
And there it will reborn again
under the full moon
that love of yesterday.
There it will be peace and
happiness for us to want.
buenas noches.