This Is Me...I Think
Having talks with people whom you admire amazingly helps you realize who you are, and who you want to be.
I looked at my life and I saw this:
I try too hard to fit in with the "outsiders".
I hide behind a mask of eyeliner and mascara, and feel ugly/empty/unwanted when I leave that mask at home.
I feel an emptiness inside me, and try to fill it with "love" that I don't actually feel.
The pain that I felt in my past is still present because I live in it. It is what I know, and it is safety. It creates a false sense of security for me.
I try to make myself feel better about being fat by reassuring myself that the majority of the world is overweight. I still feel uncomfortable in my own flesh.
I think that other people are the answer to my empty void, even though they are not.
I try new things only to give up on them because I am not the best after a week of doing it.
I give up on myself everyday.
I am a dreamer, not a do-er. I use that as sanity instead of reason to change.
I long for attention, even though I shy away from it, and pretend that I don't see anyone.
I tell myself that I don't care what other people think. Honostly, other people's opinions shape who I am everyday.
If you say potatoe, then I say potatoe too.
I change like the wind because I have no self-esteem.
I use "love" as an excuse to be someone I am not.
I have never been in love.
I constantly tell myself that I don't believe in love because I have been so close and failed so many times. Truthfully, I long for it.
I say things just so I can prove myself wrong. It helps me appreciate life.
I think that everyone is out to get me, because I live in my depression.
I lie to myself everyday to feel better. It doesn't work.
I don't know what my opinion is because I have never given myself the chance to form one.
I used to give my body away to anyone who I decided was "cool" enough. I thought it would make things better. It didn't. It never will.
I speak without thinking alot.
I think without being rational.
Everyday, I am someone I am not.
Everyday, I try to find myself.
And everyday, I get one step closer...to not knowing.
Instead of feeling sad about these realizations, I look to them as hope for the future. I don't want these things to be true.
And instead of dreaming about the day that they will change, I am going to change them.
But don't take my word for it.
Sometimes I lie.
I looked at my life and I saw this:
I try too hard to fit in with the "outsiders".
I hide behind a mask of eyeliner and mascara, and feel ugly/empty/unwanted when I leave that mask at home.
I feel an emptiness inside me, and try to fill it with "love" that I don't actually feel.
The pain that I felt in my past is still present because I live in it. It is what I know, and it is safety. It creates a false sense of security for me.
I try to make myself feel better about being fat by reassuring myself that the majority of the world is overweight. I still feel uncomfortable in my own flesh.
I think that other people are the answer to my empty void, even though they are not.
I try new things only to give up on them because I am not the best after a week of doing it.
I give up on myself everyday.
I am a dreamer, not a do-er. I use that as sanity instead of reason to change.
I long for attention, even though I shy away from it, and pretend that I don't see anyone.
I tell myself that I don't care what other people think. Honostly, other people's opinions shape who I am everyday.
If you say potatoe, then I say potatoe too.
I change like the wind because I have no self-esteem.
I use "love" as an excuse to be someone I am not.
I have never been in love.
I constantly tell myself that I don't believe in love because I have been so close and failed so many times. Truthfully, I long for it.
I say things just so I can prove myself wrong. It helps me appreciate life.
I think that everyone is out to get me, because I live in my depression.
I lie to myself everyday to feel better. It doesn't work.
I don't know what my opinion is because I have never given myself the chance to form one.
I used to give my body away to anyone who I decided was "cool" enough. I thought it would make things better. It didn't. It never will.
I speak without thinking alot.
I think without being rational.
Everyday, I am someone I am not.
Everyday, I try to find myself.
And everyday, I get one step closer...to not knowing.
Instead of feeling sad about these realizations, I look to them as hope for the future. I don't want these things to be true.
And instead of dreaming about the day that they will change, I am going to change them.
But don't take my word for it.
Sometimes I lie.