Torchwood Fic: "It Started With A Broken Headlight - 1/8" (Mulitple Pairings)
Title: It Started With A Broken Headlight
Part: 1 of 8
Author(s): cally73 (Toshiko), Clarrisani (Ianto), djpugsly (Owen), Obsessed7 (Gwen), QL (Random Others), Ruthyf (Jack)
Pairing(s): Multiple Pairings
Summary: Ianto discovers the SUV has a broken headlight...
Disclaimer: Not anyway connected to the BBC emails, just a bit of fun.
A/N: Written by a group of authors at the Torchwood Australian Forums for the "Torchwood Weekly Writing Challenge #4". I have permission from all those involved to reproduce this here. There are eight parts (one for each day). I will post a selection of links at the end of the final part to the original thread, the challenges, and also a selected few other links that might be of interested. Anyway, hope you enjoy.
********************
To: All
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Who Did It?
---
To all,
Okay, own up. I took the SUV out to fill it with fuel and discovered that the headlight was broken. Now, I know everyone took it out for different reasons yesterday, but if you are going to break it, at least let me know so I can fix it.
Oh, and I'm not getting anyone coffee until I get the whole story.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Who Did It?
---
Ianto,
I can quite honestly say that it wasn't me. You know how careful my driving is. Have I ever so much as scratched the SUV? Granted, I don't often get the opportunity to drive, thanks to Owen's constant whining about moving the seat.
You wouldn't really deprive your favourite computer tech from her vital supply of coffee would you?
Tosh
********************
To: Capt. Jack Harkness
From: Owen Harper
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Broken Headlight
---
Jack, you know me, I'm not usually the one to rat out my fellow Torchwood team-mates, but I saw Ianto driving the SUV back into the garage on the CCTV, looking rather sheepishly at a missing headlight in the front. Make of that what you will.
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Who Did It?
---
Tosh,
I know you are a wonderful driver, but accidents do happen. I am referring of course to that slight incident involving the comms, your PDA and the garage door. I'm afraid you can become very easily distracted.
Oh, and I found that file you were looking for. I left it on your desk. Was there anything else you needed me to find?
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Beer in the Freezer
---
Thank-you Ianto I am quite aware of the effects of extremely cold temperatures on pressurised beer bottles. Was it my fault that the armies of Genghis Kahn broke through the rift and pillaged the business district of Cardiff?
Besides, I'm not the one who doesn't know how to drive.
Dr Owen Harper.
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Beer in the Freezer
---
What happened with the rift and Genghis Kahn's army has little to do with putting the beer in the freezer, especially considering that this is the second time that you've done it in as many weeks.
And for the record, I wasn't the one to write off a Honda S2000.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Who Did It?
Ianto,
Point taken re. garage door. However, it wasn't entirely my fault. If Owen hadn't been distracting me by insinuating that my approach was crooked, I would have noticed that I'd neglected to open the door. The door may have been somewhat dented, but at least I didn't damage the SUV!
Thank you for the file. I think that's all for now. I'm going to go through CCTV footage to work out who brought the SUV back damaged.
Oh how a nice cup of coffee would make such a tedious task more pleasurable. Not that I'm hinting or anything.
Tosh
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Beer in the Freezer
---
Well I was called away wasn't I? I mean the last thing I need to worry about when I'm busy treating sword wounds through three layers of third dynasty amour is "Oh fudge, I think I accidentally left my beer in the fridge. Fiddlestick's, if I don't address that the butler is going to kill me!"
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Who Did It?
---
Tosh,
I will agree with you about Owen, but it still took me three hours to work that dent out of the door. Sometimes I am glad Jack decided on a Range Rover - they don't dent easily. Of course, I do wish you'd hit Owen rather than the door. Don't tell him I said that.
I have already gone over the CCTV footage looking for the damage, but thus far I have been unable to locate the culprit. I do need to have a word with Jack about eating and driving as he's left crumbs all over the drivers seat again, and jam on the wheel.
As for the coffee, we're fresh out.
Ianto
********************
To: All
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Deletion of CCTV Footage
---
Someone has been editing the CCTV footage again. If you feel the need to delete something, please DO NOT take it upon yourself to add footage. I think I'm going to have nightmares. Who has the Teletubbies fetish?
Tosh
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Beer in the Freezer
---
You realise, of course, that Gwen had a few things in there that were damaged, let alone Jack. I have yet to inform them that their items have made an unscheduled trip into the rubbish bin due to your being 'called away'.
Oh, and I saw you making those gestures on the CCTV. The feeling is mutual.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Beer in the Freezer
---
All Jack had in there were his Jello sex toys. Guess there'll be no fun for Ianto tonight *sob*. And, let's face it, Gwen eats too much crap anyway.
Oh and I stand by my gestures.
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re: Deletion of CCTV Footage
----
Tosh
Well, I think you can safely assume it wasn't Jack. Last time he edited the CCTV he cut in interesting and rather educational footage he'd found on various porn movies. And I usually just leave it blank when I do it, or splice in existing footage. I'm sure you couldn't tell when I last edited the CCTV footage, which was rather recently.
Ianto
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Owen Harper
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re: Deletion of CCTV Footage
---
Well don't look at me. Bleeding Teletubbies haunt me in my dreams they do. I mean what kind of sick, twisted creature has a TV in it's stomach. Back in my day we had Transformers, what kind of sick shit are they feeding the kids of today?
Oh, and do try to not sound like such a geek in future, ok Tosh?
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Beer in the Freezer
---
You realise, of course, that when I explain to Gwen why her items are missing that I will tell her that you deemed them as her having 'too much crap', especially given that 90% of the 'crap' lying around the Hub belongs to you.
And on the subject, next time you use the showers I would appreciate it if you would not leave the towels lying around, the water still dripping, and the soap full of hair. The girls have been complaining again. And before you start, I have already spoken to Jack about his habit of forgoing the towel and just walking through the Hub naked.
Ianto
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Coffee Run
----
Since it appears that Ianto is being true to his word re the coffee, I do believe that it is your turn to make the coffee run. I'll have my usual thanks. :)
Tosh
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Beer in the Freezer
---
Hey, when you're as an integral part of the team as I am, you get to take a few liberties about the place. And if Jack doesn’t mind me walking about the place in the nuddy, then that's what I'm gonna do.
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Beer in the Freezer
---
I shall prepare my eye gouging tools then. Some things I do not need to see. Once was enough. As for being an integral part of the team, I do believe Jack has made you sit out the last two missions. I believe it was because of 'recklessness" and 'thoughtlessness' and something about a 'hero complex' and 'showing off to the girls'.
********************
To: Torchwood (All)
From: Mrs Chibnall - First Grade Teacher, St Mary's School
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: School Visit
---
Dear Torchwood,
Thank you for your proposal to conduct a school visit, with my First Grade class at St Mary's.
Unfortunately, the school must decline your very gracious offer.
The staff are concerned that you will bring your large hairy monkey-type petting animal with you again, and we all know what happened to that last school janitor, don't we? The poor man is recovering nicely in hospital though, so that's something!
Also, we don't feel that 'aliens' are a suitable topic for children to be learning about, because as we all know, it would be rather insane to believe in them, wouldn't it? These children already have enough fairy stories as it is.
Finally, please don't offer to conduct school tours of your Hub hangout. We misplace enough children as it is in the school yard already.
So, thank you very much for your offer, but we will have to refuse!
Signed,
Mrs Chibnall and the rest of the staff at St Mary's.
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Owen Harper
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Coffee Run
---
Just do what I'm doing. Since the last time Ianto decided to throw a hissy-fit, we've had a secret stash of coffee-in-a-can located way at the back in the pantry. Tastes bad but it will keep you going. Oh little warning though, slight laxative effect, nothing to worry about. Much.
Dr Owen Harper
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re: Deletion of CCTV Footage
----
Ianto,
I would never have known that you'd edited the CCTV footage if you hadn't told me. Well, not at first glance anyway. Why on earth would you need to delete something? On second thoughts, if it involves you and Jack, I really don't want to know!
Tosh
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 Mar 2008
Subject: Re: Deletion of CCTV Footage
---
Tosh,
Most of it does involve myself and Jack, but there are also a couple of other incidents that I've had to... manipulate. Nothing really important.
Ianto
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Coffee Run
---
Thanks, Owen, but I might give it a miss. I've noticed you making quite a few hasty trips in the direction of the bathroom. I think I still have a can of diet coke in the fridge. That should keep me going for a bit longer.
How long do you think Ianto can keep away from his beloved coffee machine. Is it just me or is he getting a little twitchy? Every time he starts towards it, he seems to catch himself just in time.
Tosh
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 Mar 2008
Subject: RE. Beer in the Freezer
---
Ok, so maybe I ran over a fire hydrant. And a stop sign. And nearly an old lady. But I get results. How'd it feel, getting your hands dirty in the field for once anyway? Not as glamorous as it's cracked up to be is it? I bet you were holding onto Jack for dear life.
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 Mar 2008
Subject: St Mary's
---
Jack,
Don't tell me you actually contacted the school and asked to visit there again. I know you want to try and resolve some reputation issues Torchwood has, but the last visit did more damage than good. We used up most of our retcon as it was, and it would seem that we may have missed a couple of people.
As it was, it took me forever to try and clear our name with the media. I know I'm great with PR, but I do have my limits. Now, please tell me that you haven't contacted the hospital.
Ianto
P.S. I will follow through with my threat if this continues.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 03 Mar 2008
Subject: Re: Deletion of CCTV Footage
Ianto,
You've now got me all curious. I know that there's nothing incriminating of me - because I'd take care of it myself. Not that I'd ever do anything that would required said manipulation.
Tosh
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 Mar 2008
Subject: RE. Beer in the Freezer
---
No, the 'holding onto Jack' thing came a lot later. Of course, I won't mention where or what I was holding, although I am sure that your reaction on CCTV shall be interesting when you read that.
As for what it's like in the field, I am rather enjoying it. In fact, I overheard Jack say that if I keep up the good work he's going to take me out more and leave you behind at the Hub. Gwen agreed with him. It would appear I am also a better driver than you, and if I recall I do believe I saved your life during that last mission you were on. God knows why.
Ianto
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 Mar 2008
Subject: Re: Coffee Run
---
I've noticed that too. I've also noticed that every time I raise my can to my mouth I get him glaring in my direction. Say, can I get you to go over the CCTV footage again, because I could've sworn that I saw him acting suspiciously with regards to the broken headlight on the SUV.
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 Mar 2008
Subject: Re: Deletion of CCTV Footage
---
Tosh,
Covering things up has always been a talent of mine, so I've never really worried about having to do it. No, I haven't done anything to incriminate anyone, including myself. It's really more a matter of pride.
Ianto
********************
To: All
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Anything I should know about?
---
Sorry everyone, I accidentally clicked on the wrong thing and deleted all my emails again. Is there anything important I should know about?
Oh, and what's happened to the coffee??
Gwen
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 Mar 2008
Subject: Re: Anything I should know about?
---
Gwen,
Would you like me to try and retrieve all your emails for you? I believe I can still retrieve them within 24 hours of them being deleted. I could also set up a 'are you sure' button. As network administrator I can do that for you.
In regards to important things, I am trying to find out what happened to the SUV headlight. When I took the SUV out for fuel earlier I discovered it had been broken, and Tosh has since found that the CCTV has been edited with footage of the Teletubbies to cover up who had done it. Do you know anything about it?
Ianto
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: THE TEA-BOY'S LOST IT!
---
RIGHT! THAT'S IT! IANTO HAS JUST SHOT THE COFFEE CAN FROM OUT OF MY HAND! I SWEAR IF I SEE HIM POKE HIS PRETTY BOY FACE OUT FROM WHEREVER HE IS RIGHT NOW I'M GONNA KILL HIM!!!
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 03 Mar 2008
Subject: Re: Coffee Run
---
Okay, I'm taking another look at the tape. I was a little distracted by the way he was standing with his hands on his hips. I do wish he'd remove his jacket more often. *sigh*
Anyway, back to task on hand. No, nothing out of the ordinary. Just examining the headlight. Wait, what's he going to do?
My god! Did he just kiss it better?
Tosh
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: THE TEA-BOY'S LOST IT!
---
Well, I did warn you.
********************
To: All
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: A friendly reminder
---
Just sending a reminder that if I see any more cans of coffee in the Hub, then I cannot be held accountable for what happens to the person responsible for bringing them in.
Ianto
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 03 Mar 2008
Subject: Re: Anything I should know about?
---
Hi Gwen!
Ianto thinks that by withholding coffee from us, he can get the culprit to own up. If he sticks by his word, I might just end up confessing simply to get a decent cup of coffee.
Tosh
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Coffee Run
---
I’m telling you it’s him. He’s off his nut! We should really tell Jack.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Just a friendly reminder
---
Bringing in the canned coffee? You can thank Suzie for that one. So unless you’ve got another Risen Mitten...
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Just a friendly reminder
---
Just so you know, I'd already taken care of all of Suzie's canned coffees. Remember when we were testing the rift to see if we could send things through? That was the last of them. The rest came in very handy for target practice. No, this lot you brought in. They're a different brand to what Suzie had. And just so you know, Jack says I need to keep up the target practice, so if I see any more...
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Just a friendly reminder
---
It's still preferable to drinking your coffee on one of your 'emo' days.
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: All
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Announcement
---
To all,
Owen has just informed me that canned coffee is better than my own. Due to this, I shall be relinquishing my role as coffee maker, and Owen shall be taking over that duty.
Ianto
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Satisfied?
---
Well, I hope you enjoy having Jack, Tosh and Gwen hunting you down. I know they are all rather fond of my coffee. You can only say you brought it on yourself.
Oh, and I just found some CCTV footage of you curb bashing in the SUV last night, almost running down two old ladies. You actually don't get points for hitting them, you realise.
Ianto
********************
To: Toshiko Sato; Capt. Jack Harkness; Gwen Cooper
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Ianto Bluffing
---
Relax guys, he's bluffing. Both me and Tosh have noticed that he's been staring longingly towards his coffee maker. Only thing he likes better than that is his bleeding stopwatch. But if need be I've been told that I make killer instant coffee so no need to kill me just yet hey?
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Satisfied?
---
You are, of course, aware of the fact that I was able to leech the CCTV footage of you in the archive room getting up to... well you know...
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Satisfied?
---
And you are, of course, aware that I am able to access your internet usage history. And how exactly does bustyasianbeauties.com have anything to do with work? I'm sure Tosh might be rather interested in trying to find out...
Ianto
********************
To: Torchwood (All)
From: Jubilee Pizza
Date: 03 Mar 2008
Subject: ACCOUNT PAST DUE!!!!!!!
---
We've been checking our accounts and found that 'Torchwood' now owe us 1643 Pounds, 20p.
Did you not get our bill?
Pay up or we send around the heavies!
Also, we're still missing one delivery girl, last seen walking into your business, approx a year ago. Do you guys know anything about this?
Chaz & Davo
Jubilee Pizza Junior Managers
Central Cardiff Branch
"Duuuuude! Call us for a pizza today!"
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Satisfied?
---
Oh, so you are under the impression that I only have one copy of said footage hm?
Oh, and the site was highly recommended to me by someone whose name rhymes with 'Mosh' ;)
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Satisfied?
---
And I am to assume that alcohol lead to a rather lengthy make out session with a certain someone who's name rhymes with granite. I have multiple copies of that footage. Oh, and for the record, the footage you're talking about already exists on Jack's computer, and I think Tosh and Gwen already know about it.
Ianto
P.S. You owe 1379 Pounds, 16p
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Satisfied?
---
Actually we all had a good laugh about that footage, particularly how utterly pathetic your sex noises are. And just what is with that sex face? It's genuinely disturbing. No, I'm thinking that footage would look great posted on AmateurPornStars.com :D
Oh and regarding the pizza; I was under the impression that meals were paid for, or is it not enough to put my worthless little life on the line to save the rift from ripping the universe in two??
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Satisfied?
---
Need I remind you of multiple amounts of footage featuring yourself? I think it could be described as sounding like a cat being trod on, and a look better linked to constipation rather than sex.
As for the pizza, you can either pay for it now or have it docked later. I've already worked out my end and paid, and am on my way to speak to the others.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Satisfied?
---
Ok, you wanna talk about stuff ups? how about keeping a secret cyber girlfriend in the basement? How does that even work? Do you have some sort of electrical fetish or something? You sick bastard you.
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Satisfied?
---
At least Lisa was part human. Exactly what do you call Janet? You complain when Jack makes comments about 'alien meat', but I have plenty of footage regarding your experimentation with the Weevils. Jack and I are often rather disturbed by them.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Satisfied?
---
Ok tea-boy, we'll see whose more sick and twisted. Meet me in the Archive Room in 20 minutes, I believe there's a journal the mating habits of various alien species. And if you must bring your stopwatch...
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Satisfied?
---
I never go anywhere without it. See you there.
Ianto
********************
TBC...
Please comment, then feel free to move onto Part Two!
Part: 1 of 8
Author(s): cally73 (Toshiko), Clarrisani (Ianto), djpugsly (Owen), Obsessed7 (Gwen), QL (Random Others), Ruthyf (Jack)
Pairing(s): Multiple Pairings
Summary: Ianto discovers the SUV has a broken headlight...
Disclaimer: Not anyway connected to the BBC emails, just a bit of fun.
A/N: Written by a group of authors at the Torchwood Australian Forums for the "Torchwood Weekly Writing Challenge #4". I have permission from all those involved to reproduce this here. There are eight parts (one for each day). I will post a selection of links at the end of the final part to the original thread, the challenges, and also a selected few other links that might be of interested. Anyway, hope you enjoy.
********************
To: All
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Who Did It?
---
To all,
Okay, own up. I took the SUV out to fill it with fuel and discovered that the headlight was broken. Now, I know everyone took it out for different reasons yesterday, but if you are going to break it, at least let me know so I can fix it.
Oh, and I'm not getting anyone coffee until I get the whole story.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Who Did It?
---
Ianto,
I can quite honestly say that it wasn't me. You know how careful my driving is. Have I ever so much as scratched the SUV? Granted, I don't often get the opportunity to drive, thanks to Owen's constant whining about moving the seat.
You wouldn't really deprive your favourite computer tech from her vital supply of coffee would you?
Tosh
********************
To: Capt. Jack Harkness
From: Owen Harper
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Broken Headlight
---
Jack, you know me, I'm not usually the one to rat out my fellow Torchwood team-mates, but I saw Ianto driving the SUV back into the garage on the CCTV, looking rather sheepishly at a missing headlight in the front. Make of that what you will.
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Who Did It?
---
Tosh,
I know you are a wonderful driver, but accidents do happen. I am referring of course to that slight incident involving the comms, your PDA and the garage door. I'm afraid you can become very easily distracted.
Oh, and I found that file you were looking for. I left it on your desk. Was there anything else you needed me to find?
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Beer in the Freezer
---
Thank-you Ianto I am quite aware of the effects of extremely cold temperatures on pressurised beer bottles. Was it my fault that the armies of Genghis Kahn broke through the rift and pillaged the business district of Cardiff?
Besides, I'm not the one who doesn't know how to drive.
Dr Owen Harper.
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Beer in the Freezer
---
What happened with the rift and Genghis Kahn's army has little to do with putting the beer in the freezer, especially considering that this is the second time that you've done it in as many weeks.
And for the record, I wasn't the one to write off a Honda S2000.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Who Did It?
Ianto,
Point taken re. garage door. However, it wasn't entirely my fault. If Owen hadn't been distracting me by insinuating that my approach was crooked, I would have noticed that I'd neglected to open the door. The door may have been somewhat dented, but at least I didn't damage the SUV!
Thank you for the file. I think that's all for now. I'm going to go through CCTV footage to work out who brought the SUV back damaged.
Oh how a nice cup of coffee would make such a tedious task more pleasurable. Not that I'm hinting or anything.
Tosh
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Beer in the Freezer
---
Well I was called away wasn't I? I mean the last thing I need to worry about when I'm busy treating sword wounds through three layers of third dynasty amour is "Oh fudge, I think I accidentally left my beer in the fridge. Fiddlestick's, if I don't address that the butler is going to kill me!"
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Who Did It?
---
Tosh,
I will agree with you about Owen, but it still took me three hours to work that dent out of the door. Sometimes I am glad Jack decided on a Range Rover - they don't dent easily. Of course, I do wish you'd hit Owen rather than the door. Don't tell him I said that.
I have already gone over the CCTV footage looking for the damage, but thus far I have been unable to locate the culprit. I do need to have a word with Jack about eating and driving as he's left crumbs all over the drivers seat again, and jam on the wheel.
As for the coffee, we're fresh out.
Ianto
********************
To: All
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Deletion of CCTV Footage
---
Someone has been editing the CCTV footage again. If you feel the need to delete something, please DO NOT take it upon yourself to add footage. I think I'm going to have nightmares. Who has the Teletubbies fetish?
Tosh
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Beer in the Freezer
---
You realise, of course, that Gwen had a few things in there that were damaged, let alone Jack. I have yet to inform them that their items have made an unscheduled trip into the rubbish bin due to your being 'called away'.
Oh, and I saw you making those gestures on the CCTV. The feeling is mutual.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Beer in the Freezer
---
All Jack had in there were his Jello sex toys. Guess there'll be no fun for Ianto tonight *sob*. And, let's face it, Gwen eats too much crap anyway.
Oh and I stand by my gestures.
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re: Deletion of CCTV Footage
----
Tosh
Well, I think you can safely assume it wasn't Jack. Last time he edited the CCTV he cut in interesting and rather educational footage he'd found on various porn movies. And I usually just leave it blank when I do it, or splice in existing footage. I'm sure you couldn't tell when I last edited the CCTV footage, which was rather recently.
Ianto
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Owen Harper
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re: Deletion of CCTV Footage
---
Well don't look at me. Bleeding Teletubbies haunt me in my dreams they do. I mean what kind of sick, twisted creature has a TV in it's stomach. Back in my day we had Transformers, what kind of sick shit are they feeding the kids of today?
Oh, and do try to not sound like such a geek in future, ok Tosh?
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Beer in the Freezer
---
You realise, of course, that when I explain to Gwen why her items are missing that I will tell her that you deemed them as her having 'too much crap', especially given that 90% of the 'crap' lying around the Hub belongs to you.
And on the subject, next time you use the showers I would appreciate it if you would not leave the towels lying around, the water still dripping, and the soap full of hair. The girls have been complaining again. And before you start, I have already spoken to Jack about his habit of forgoing the towel and just walking through the Hub naked.
Ianto
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Coffee Run
----
Since it appears that Ianto is being true to his word re the coffee, I do believe that it is your turn to make the coffee run. I'll have my usual thanks. :)
Tosh
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Beer in the Freezer
---
Hey, when you're as an integral part of the team as I am, you get to take a few liberties about the place. And if Jack doesn’t mind me walking about the place in the nuddy, then that's what I'm gonna do.
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Beer in the Freezer
---
I shall prepare my eye gouging tools then. Some things I do not need to see. Once was enough. As for being an integral part of the team, I do believe Jack has made you sit out the last two missions. I believe it was because of 'recklessness" and 'thoughtlessness' and something about a 'hero complex' and 'showing off to the girls'.
********************
To: Torchwood (All)
From: Mrs Chibnall - First Grade Teacher, St Mary's School
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: School Visit
---
Dear Torchwood,
Thank you for your proposal to conduct a school visit, with my First Grade class at St Mary's.
Unfortunately, the school must decline your very gracious offer.
The staff are concerned that you will bring your large hairy monkey-type petting animal with you again, and we all know what happened to that last school janitor, don't we? The poor man is recovering nicely in hospital though, so that's something!
Also, we don't feel that 'aliens' are a suitable topic for children to be learning about, because as we all know, it would be rather insane to believe in them, wouldn't it? These children already have enough fairy stories as it is.
Finally, please don't offer to conduct school tours of your Hub hangout. We misplace enough children as it is in the school yard already.
So, thank you very much for your offer, but we will have to refuse!
Signed,
Mrs Chibnall and the rest of the staff at St Mary's.
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Owen Harper
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Coffee Run
---
Just do what I'm doing. Since the last time Ianto decided to throw a hissy-fit, we've had a secret stash of coffee-in-a-can located way at the back in the pantry. Tastes bad but it will keep you going. Oh little warning though, slight laxative effect, nothing to worry about. Much.
Dr Owen Harper
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re: Deletion of CCTV Footage
----
Ianto,
I would never have known that you'd edited the CCTV footage if you hadn't told me. Well, not at first glance anyway. Why on earth would you need to delete something? On second thoughts, if it involves you and Jack, I really don't want to know!
Tosh
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 Mar 2008
Subject: Re: Deletion of CCTV Footage
---
Tosh,
Most of it does involve myself and Jack, but there are also a couple of other incidents that I've had to... manipulate. Nothing really important.
Ianto
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Re. Coffee Run
---
Thanks, Owen, but I might give it a miss. I've noticed you making quite a few hasty trips in the direction of the bathroom. I think I still have a can of diet coke in the fridge. That should keep me going for a bit longer.
How long do you think Ianto can keep away from his beloved coffee machine. Is it just me or is he getting a little twitchy? Every time he starts towards it, he seems to catch himself just in time.
Tosh
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 Mar 2008
Subject: RE. Beer in the Freezer
---
Ok, so maybe I ran over a fire hydrant. And a stop sign. And nearly an old lady. But I get results. How'd it feel, getting your hands dirty in the field for once anyway? Not as glamorous as it's cracked up to be is it? I bet you were holding onto Jack for dear life.
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 Mar 2008
Subject: St Mary's
---
Jack,
Don't tell me you actually contacted the school and asked to visit there again. I know you want to try and resolve some reputation issues Torchwood has, but the last visit did more damage than good. We used up most of our retcon as it was, and it would seem that we may have missed a couple of people.
As it was, it took me forever to try and clear our name with the media. I know I'm great with PR, but I do have my limits. Now, please tell me that you haven't contacted the hospital.
Ianto
P.S. I will follow through with my threat if this continues.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 03 Mar 2008
Subject: Re: Deletion of CCTV Footage
Ianto,
You've now got me all curious. I know that there's nothing incriminating of me - because I'd take care of it myself. Not that I'd ever do anything that would required said manipulation.
Tosh
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 Mar 2008
Subject: RE. Beer in the Freezer
---
No, the 'holding onto Jack' thing came a lot later. Of course, I won't mention where or what I was holding, although I am sure that your reaction on CCTV shall be interesting when you read that.
As for what it's like in the field, I am rather enjoying it. In fact, I overheard Jack say that if I keep up the good work he's going to take me out more and leave you behind at the Hub. Gwen agreed with him. It would appear I am also a better driver than you, and if I recall I do believe I saved your life during that last mission you were on. God knows why.
Ianto
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 Mar 2008
Subject: Re: Coffee Run
---
I've noticed that too. I've also noticed that every time I raise my can to my mouth I get him glaring in my direction. Say, can I get you to go over the CCTV footage again, because I could've sworn that I saw him acting suspiciously with regards to the broken headlight on the SUV.
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 Mar 2008
Subject: Re: Deletion of CCTV Footage
---
Tosh,
Covering things up has always been a talent of mine, so I've never really worried about having to do it. No, I haven't done anything to incriminate anyone, including myself. It's really more a matter of pride.
Ianto
********************
To: All
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 02 March 2008
Subject: Anything I should know about?
---
Sorry everyone, I accidentally clicked on the wrong thing and deleted all my emails again. Is there anything important I should know about?
Oh, and what's happened to the coffee??
Gwen
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 Mar 2008
Subject: Re: Anything I should know about?
---
Gwen,
Would you like me to try and retrieve all your emails for you? I believe I can still retrieve them within 24 hours of them being deleted. I could also set up a 'are you sure' button. As network administrator I can do that for you.
In regards to important things, I am trying to find out what happened to the SUV headlight. When I took the SUV out for fuel earlier I discovered it had been broken, and Tosh has since found that the CCTV has been edited with footage of the Teletubbies to cover up who had done it. Do you know anything about it?
Ianto
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: THE TEA-BOY'S LOST IT!
---
RIGHT! THAT'S IT! IANTO HAS JUST SHOT THE COFFEE CAN FROM OUT OF MY HAND! I SWEAR IF I SEE HIM POKE HIS PRETTY BOY FACE OUT FROM WHEREVER HE IS RIGHT NOW I'M GONNA KILL HIM!!!
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 03 Mar 2008
Subject: Re: Coffee Run
---
Okay, I'm taking another look at the tape. I was a little distracted by the way he was standing with his hands on his hips. I do wish he'd remove his jacket more often. *sigh*
Anyway, back to task on hand. No, nothing out of the ordinary. Just examining the headlight. Wait, what's he going to do?
My god! Did he just kiss it better?
Tosh
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: THE TEA-BOY'S LOST IT!
---
Well, I did warn you.
********************
To: All
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: A friendly reminder
---
Just sending a reminder that if I see any more cans of coffee in the Hub, then I cannot be held accountable for what happens to the person responsible for bringing them in.
Ianto
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 03 Mar 2008
Subject: Re: Anything I should know about?
---
Hi Gwen!
Ianto thinks that by withholding coffee from us, he can get the culprit to own up. If he sticks by his word, I might just end up confessing simply to get a decent cup of coffee.
Tosh
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Coffee Run
---
I’m telling you it’s him. He’s off his nut! We should really tell Jack.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Just a friendly reminder
---
Bringing in the canned coffee? You can thank Suzie for that one. So unless you’ve got another Risen Mitten...
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Just a friendly reminder
---
Just so you know, I'd already taken care of all of Suzie's canned coffees. Remember when we were testing the rift to see if we could send things through? That was the last of them. The rest came in very handy for target practice. No, this lot you brought in. They're a different brand to what Suzie had. And just so you know, Jack says I need to keep up the target practice, so if I see any more...
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Just a friendly reminder
---
It's still preferable to drinking your coffee on one of your 'emo' days.
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: All
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Announcement
---
To all,
Owen has just informed me that canned coffee is better than my own. Due to this, I shall be relinquishing my role as coffee maker, and Owen shall be taking over that duty.
Ianto
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Satisfied?
---
Well, I hope you enjoy having Jack, Tosh and Gwen hunting you down. I know they are all rather fond of my coffee. You can only say you brought it on yourself.
Oh, and I just found some CCTV footage of you curb bashing in the SUV last night, almost running down two old ladies. You actually don't get points for hitting them, you realise.
Ianto
********************
To: Toshiko Sato; Capt. Jack Harkness; Gwen Cooper
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Ianto Bluffing
---
Relax guys, he's bluffing. Both me and Tosh have noticed that he's been staring longingly towards his coffee maker. Only thing he likes better than that is his bleeding stopwatch. But if need be I've been told that I make killer instant coffee so no need to kill me just yet hey?
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Satisfied?
---
You are, of course, aware of the fact that I was able to leech the CCTV footage of you in the archive room getting up to... well you know...
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Satisfied?
---
And you are, of course, aware that I am able to access your internet usage history. And how exactly does bustyasianbeauties.com have anything to do with work? I'm sure Tosh might be rather interested in trying to find out...
Ianto
********************
To: Torchwood (All)
From: Jubilee Pizza
Date: 03 Mar 2008
Subject: ACCOUNT PAST DUE!!!!!!!
---
We've been checking our accounts and found that 'Torchwood' now owe us 1643 Pounds, 20p.
Did you not get our bill?
Pay up or we send around the heavies!
Also, we're still missing one delivery girl, last seen walking into your business, approx a year ago. Do you guys know anything about this?
Chaz & Davo
Jubilee Pizza Junior Managers
Central Cardiff Branch
"Duuuuude! Call us for a pizza today!"
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Satisfied?
---
Oh, so you are under the impression that I only have one copy of said footage hm?
Oh, and the site was highly recommended to me by someone whose name rhymes with 'Mosh' ;)
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Satisfied?
---
And I am to assume that alcohol lead to a rather lengthy make out session with a certain someone who's name rhymes with granite. I have multiple copies of that footage. Oh, and for the record, the footage you're talking about already exists on Jack's computer, and I think Tosh and Gwen already know about it.
Ianto
P.S. You owe 1379 Pounds, 16p
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Satisfied?
---
Actually we all had a good laugh about that footage, particularly how utterly pathetic your sex noises are. And just what is with that sex face? It's genuinely disturbing. No, I'm thinking that footage would look great posted on AmateurPornStars.com :D
Oh and regarding the pizza; I was under the impression that meals were paid for, or is it not enough to put my worthless little life on the line to save the rift from ripping the universe in two??
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Satisfied?
---
Need I remind you of multiple amounts of footage featuring yourself? I think it could be described as sounding like a cat being trod on, and a look better linked to constipation rather than sex.
As for the pizza, you can either pay for it now or have it docked later. I've already worked out my end and paid, and am on my way to speak to the others.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Satisfied?
---
Ok, you wanna talk about stuff ups? how about keeping a secret cyber girlfriend in the basement? How does that even work? Do you have some sort of electrical fetish or something? You sick bastard you.
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Satisfied?
---
At least Lisa was part human. Exactly what do you call Janet? You complain when Jack makes comments about 'alien meat', but I have plenty of footage regarding your experimentation with the Weevils. Jack and I are often rather disturbed by them.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Satisfied?
---
Ok tea-boy, we'll see whose more sick and twisted. Meet me in the Archive Room in 20 minutes, I believe there's a journal the mating habits of various alien species. And if you must bring your stopwatch...
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Satisfied?
---
I never go anywhere without it. See you there.
Ianto
********************
TBC...
Please comment, then feel free to move onto Part Two!