more angst
More job angst. I talked to the dude from the DC job. I'm meeting him in Sacramento next Tuesday for another interview. He said if he liked me he'd probably hire me on the spot.
This is the hardest decision i've ever had to make in my life. Yesterday I realized why that's the case. I've always felt like i've sort of had two sides to myself, and I've always enjoyed that, b/c it means I like lots ot stuff. Like, I'm the science nerd who also loves to do artsy-fartsy stuff. I'm a big city person who is still very crunchy granola outdoorsy. I'm very ambitious and career-focused, but also pretty laid back and want to enjoy my life. I love the lack of pretension out here, and how everyone's chill and friendly, and how there isn't the same sort of "caste" system that almost exists on the east coast, but then I've got a lot of that east coast attitude and concept of "success" very heavily ingrained in me (that idea of appropriate schools to go to, career choices, etc. essentially, waspy-ness. I have an inner wasp. Maybe it was all that time in kennebunkport...). Essentially, I'm sort of equal parts east and west coast. And that's always been great, b/c I've never had to choose before. But now I do, and not just geographically. It's: do I want to live in paradise and play outside all the time, and do a job that involves some outdoors work, and always have a decent job but maybe never be king of the world; or do I want to head back to DC and throw myself back into the soup and work on national policy and try to claw my way up the ladder? If I take the SB job, will I always feel a little bit unfullfilled, like I didn't do enough? If I take the DC job, will i end up miserable and burnt out, or will I hate myself if I don't end up becoming as "successful" as the east-coast half of me feels I should be?
It came into focus yesterday. I was lying on the beach, reading vogue, and in the magazine was a picture of Jackie O. Don't get me wrong, I don't in any way fancy myself Jackie O, but there she was, this quintessential east coast icon. And so I'm alternately staring out at the ocean and staring down at Jackie, and it was just like, "Ok, Sarah. Pick one. What'll it be?"
The logical part of me realizes that it's not that cut-and-dry, that I don't really have to choose and that i'll always find things that appeal to the other side. But my two options now really kind of represent each side pretty well. So even if it's more of a symbolic choice, it's a hard one.
I need clarity. I need it soon.
This is the hardest decision i've ever had to make in my life. Yesterday I realized why that's the case. I've always felt like i've sort of had two sides to myself, and I've always enjoyed that, b/c it means I like lots ot stuff. Like, I'm the science nerd who also loves to do artsy-fartsy stuff. I'm a big city person who is still very crunchy granola outdoorsy. I'm very ambitious and career-focused, but also pretty laid back and want to enjoy my life. I love the lack of pretension out here, and how everyone's chill and friendly, and how there isn't the same sort of "caste" system that almost exists on the east coast, but then I've got a lot of that east coast attitude and concept of "success" very heavily ingrained in me (that idea of appropriate schools to go to, career choices, etc. essentially, waspy-ness. I have an inner wasp. Maybe it was all that time in kennebunkport...). Essentially, I'm sort of equal parts east and west coast. And that's always been great, b/c I've never had to choose before. But now I do, and not just geographically. It's: do I want to live in paradise and play outside all the time, and do a job that involves some outdoors work, and always have a decent job but maybe never be king of the world; or do I want to head back to DC and throw myself back into the soup and work on national policy and try to claw my way up the ladder? If I take the SB job, will I always feel a little bit unfullfilled, like I didn't do enough? If I take the DC job, will i end up miserable and burnt out, or will I hate myself if I don't end up becoming as "successful" as the east-coast half of me feels I should be?
It came into focus yesterday. I was lying on the beach, reading vogue, and in the magazine was a picture of Jackie O. Don't get me wrong, I don't in any way fancy myself Jackie O, but there she was, this quintessential east coast icon. And so I'm alternately staring out at the ocean and staring down at Jackie, and it was just like, "Ok, Sarah. Pick one. What'll it be?"
The logical part of me realizes that it's not that cut-and-dry, that I don't really have to choose and that i'll always find things that appeal to the other side. But my two options now really kind of represent each side pretty well. So even if it's more of a symbolic choice, it's a hard one.
I need clarity. I need it soon.