next to sleep
I'm next to sleep, with things that I'd have liked to write but thatis unfortunately out of grasp now. Today was beautiful. It was cold, but the apartment was warm enough, and I had blankets and company and entertainment. Fruit was sweet and I had a wonderful shower, and went shopping with a bit of a splurge to get something I'd wanted for months now. I finally broke down.
I am sad to find that my plans for the house are a bit delayed and that's largely why i allowed myself a bit of decadence, but I'm hoping that it will all work out one way or another. I just am at a point where I don't know what the next step is right now, and that frightens me. I don't want to be stuck in a mire the way I have experienced before. I want things to happen on my terms and of my own doing, when that is beyond my present control I lose feelings of having power. It's not the best feeling. I'll figure it out eventually, though, I guess. it just takes so much motivation and strength to muscle through the emotional and financial struggles that bettering one's position requires. It is however, necessary, to move out of this apartment and stretch out in a space I can make my own.
I can't wait to plant a tree on my own property. And choose paint colors. To make customizations exactly as I'd like... and listen to music at the volume I please, at the time I please... and to let the kitties be a boisterous as I can stand, not to restrict their play to my imagined threshold of my neighbor's tolerance. I have to keep envisioning it to make myself keep at it, but imagining those freedoms gives me a feeling of melancholy over my current situation... Ohwell...
I am sad to find that my plans for the house are a bit delayed and that's largely why i allowed myself a bit of decadence, but I'm hoping that it will all work out one way or another. I just am at a point where I don't know what the next step is right now, and that frightens me. I don't want to be stuck in a mire the way I have experienced before. I want things to happen on my terms and of my own doing, when that is beyond my present control I lose feelings of having power. It's not the best feeling. I'll figure it out eventually, though, I guess. it just takes so much motivation and strength to muscle through the emotional and financial struggles that bettering one's position requires. It is however, necessary, to move out of this apartment and stretch out in a space I can make my own.
I can't wait to plant a tree on my own property. And choose paint colors. To make customizations exactly as I'd like... and listen to music at the volume I please, at the time I please... and to let the kitties be a boisterous as I can stand, not to restrict their play to my imagined threshold of my neighbor's tolerance. I have to keep envisioning it to make myself keep at it, but imagining those freedoms gives me a feeling of melancholy over my current situation... Ohwell...