happy to be...
Folks! quite the night. Got off work, to stop by walmart and pick up some guiness by which to make snake bites. However, paused at the cost (like $8.50?)... and instead spend MORE money buying shit to make hamburgers (turkey burgers) with.
I do shit like that though. I'll have a very pre-planned (if not half baked) idea, and when facing it say, ah fuckit and do something else entirely. It's just me, being me, though. By myself. So who's to judge if I make burgers instead of beer as I initially told myself?
=)
took dinner to a friend, and hung out for a bit, in doing so watched snippets of the incredible "If I" as done by Demetri Martin on BBC. Such an amazing bit, and inspiring, and.. well for me, I see so much of myself, or what I could be/could potentially have become in what he describes as the over analytical a-hole... Makes ya think. (me think) this is me thinking, right... ok yeah. That's me.
I also pored over old entries (again). Man, some of that shit's so hard to go through. It's good, though. I've got goosebumps now, at some of the memories. And, well.. I'm a little embarrased that so much of my poetry is dark and ... with sexual under/overtones. heh.. Ahwell, can't turn back time. =) And, to be honest. I probably still kinda write the same kinda stuff. It's like.. Gravy. It's EVERYWHERE. (I know that didn't make sense, but I'm not so much about the making sense tonight.) Just got emotions running high, a lot on my mind.. and I'm happy to be where I am, right now. You know...
That phrase can be changed in meaning and significance depending on how it's dressed. I'm happy to be where I am right now. (i am pleased with my current location and or state of being) I'm happy to be, where I am right now. (I am happy to exist, here.) I am happy to be where i am, right now. (I am happy with my location, now.) was that conveyed correctly?
Oh another thing I wanted to write about. Reading my old entries I am really really surprised at how much of myself I expressed publicly. I think I had an exhibitionist streak in me, but there is a definite change in my level of comfort. Realzing the what, of course led to the why, so I've been considering it this evening. And, upon consideration I have a few ideas as to why this could be.
Firstly, so many years in the closet have taken a toll on my ability to "be". I'll hopefully be able to eventually get into portraying exactly what this was like (because i was not able to write while this time period was occurring)... What I mean is, I had so many versions of myself that I revealed to people. Actions and situations had different degrees of truth and half truth. I wouldn't say it was lying exactly, but just omitting certain facts and moving others around to conceal the fact that I was gay. Being in the closet sucks, people. I was perhaps stupid for it. But, I felt that it was necessary to preserve parts of my life. (Family, Work... other stuff) So, is this "run and hide your strongest emotions" reflex affecting my ability to open up again and share, as I would so like to. Really, I think I get a lot of my best stuff just sitting down and figuring things out and I am AMAZED at how well I for a time documented my (albeit fucking crazy) emotional state and state of affairs. I am so happy that I have that to look back on and see what I've been through, and snippets that remind me of what actually went down, where, with whom, in what order. Beautiful stuff of memories, folks. Some fucked. Some, fucking amazing. And with all of this, to those who share, and read. It means ever so much, because when I write, it's always to an audience. (To write merely for oneself seems almost perverse to me, though I know for some necessary) I appreciate you all so very much, I can't say how much! Thank you, old friends. I hope that at some point I will be able to meet some new ones through here. Really, Thank you. You know who you are, and if you don't, or suspect you might be.. I will confirm, because, you are! =)
I want to get back to at least some extent the type of person that I was. At least to really remember me. I've got places to go, and I think that perspective will help to be a key to my doing.
I had other ideas about why it might be harder.. but i've lost some of the steam there. I got all hung up on bein all happy at all the help I've had over the years from folks. I'm just so thankful. And Gratitude... is one of the most awesome feelings in the world. True, gratitude, and the cause of it, should always know that they are AWESOME. I'm talking, pure, white as snow gratitude. Everyone needs some of it in their life. To cause it, and to experience it. I'll have to work on some ideas to further this. This could be big. We all need this!
Alright, again I got a little lost in the ideas.. lost my connection and fiddled with the phone... So I'm going to post, as is. And if more comes, it comes. I hate ending on a weird note like this, but it's happenin now.
Much love,
~Jen.
I do shit like that though. I'll have a very pre-planned (if not half baked) idea, and when facing it say, ah fuckit and do something else entirely. It's just me, being me, though. By myself. So who's to judge if I make burgers instead of beer as I initially told myself?
=)
took dinner to a friend, and hung out for a bit, in doing so watched snippets of the incredible "If I" as done by Demetri Martin on BBC. Such an amazing bit, and inspiring, and.. well for me, I see so much of myself, or what I could be/could potentially have become in what he describes as the over analytical a-hole... Makes ya think. (me think) this is me thinking, right... ok yeah. That's me.
I also pored over old entries (again). Man, some of that shit's so hard to go through. It's good, though. I've got goosebumps now, at some of the memories. And, well.. I'm a little embarrased that so much of my poetry is dark and ... with sexual under/overtones. heh.. Ahwell, can't turn back time. =) And, to be honest. I probably still kinda write the same kinda stuff. It's like.. Gravy. It's EVERYWHERE. (I know that didn't make sense, but I'm not so much about the making sense tonight.) Just got emotions running high, a lot on my mind.. and I'm happy to be where I am, right now. You know...
That phrase can be changed in meaning and significance depending on how it's dressed. I'm happy to be where I am right now. (i am pleased with my current location and or state of being) I'm happy to be, where I am right now. (I am happy to exist, here.) I am happy to be where i am, right now. (I am happy with my location, now.) was that conveyed correctly?
Oh another thing I wanted to write about. Reading my old entries I am really really surprised at how much of myself I expressed publicly. I think I had an exhibitionist streak in me, but there is a definite change in my level of comfort. Realzing the what, of course led to the why, so I've been considering it this evening. And, upon consideration I have a few ideas as to why this could be.
Firstly, so many years in the closet have taken a toll on my ability to "be". I'll hopefully be able to eventually get into portraying exactly what this was like (because i was not able to write while this time period was occurring)... What I mean is, I had so many versions of myself that I revealed to people. Actions and situations had different degrees of truth and half truth. I wouldn't say it was lying exactly, but just omitting certain facts and moving others around to conceal the fact that I was gay. Being in the closet sucks, people. I was perhaps stupid for it. But, I felt that it was necessary to preserve parts of my life. (Family, Work... other stuff) So, is this "run and hide your strongest emotions" reflex affecting my ability to open up again and share, as I would so like to. Really, I think I get a lot of my best stuff just sitting down and figuring things out and I am AMAZED at how well I for a time documented my (albeit fucking crazy) emotional state and state of affairs. I am so happy that I have that to look back on and see what I've been through, and snippets that remind me of what actually went down, where, with whom, in what order. Beautiful stuff of memories, folks. Some fucked. Some, fucking amazing. And with all of this, to those who share, and read. It means ever so much, because when I write, it's always to an audience. (To write merely for oneself seems almost perverse to me, though I know for some necessary) I appreciate you all so very much, I can't say how much! Thank you, old friends. I hope that at some point I will be able to meet some new ones through here. Really, Thank you. You know who you are, and if you don't, or suspect you might be.. I will confirm, because, you are! =)
I want to get back to at least some extent the type of person that I was. At least to really remember me. I've got places to go, and I think that perspective will help to be a key to my doing.
I had other ideas about why it might be harder.. but i've lost some of the steam there. I got all hung up on bein all happy at all the help I've had over the years from folks. I'm just so thankful. And Gratitude... is one of the most awesome feelings in the world. True, gratitude, and the cause of it, should always know that they are AWESOME. I'm talking, pure, white as snow gratitude. Everyone needs some of it in their life. To cause it, and to experience it. I'll have to work on some ideas to further this. This could be big. We all need this!
Alright, again I got a little lost in the ideas.. lost my connection and fiddled with the phone... So I'm going to post, as is. And if more comes, it comes. I hate ending on a weird note like this, but it's happenin now.
Much love,
~Jen.