it's that time again

[clarabellemcnts]

oh man, I ache. seriously. my back is screaming at me every time i even think about a shovel. or my boots. or my coat. or going outside. actually, no. that's a lie. if I could go play in the snow, that would be find. roll around and be a kid again, have a snowball fight etc. get real snowy, get so caught up in the snowfight that someone winds up in a snowbank. I just want to have a kid-like experience again. I think that would go a long way towards fixing my back. laugh and be merry, not have any cares for a while. that's what I want. I want someone to hold me close, bundle me up, be there. oh yeah. one more thing, I'm talking about a physical person. I'm going though my typical "yeah, knowing that I always have God's Love is really, really good. It's not to be sneezed at. It's a pretty powerful gift. I want God to inspire a guy to be the physical manifestation of God's love for me." also, I'm fussy. and, I'm finding, jealous. I mean, I know that people can love more than one person. I applaud that. the world needs more love. What I want to know is to be able to tell the difference between when a guy loves me as a friend or when he loves me as something more than a friend. and maybe i'm being pushy. maybe there's a part of me that is crying for release and simply wants things to be known. There are times when I can deal with uncertainty, because uncertainty means that I don't have to make any decisions. Then there are times, like now, when I am a danger to myself. I want to know. Am I supposed to know right now? probably not. therefore, I should go along, business as usual, and not worry. worry will only serve to make me crazy. you want to know what is hard on me? speculation. and people jumping to conclusions. yesterday I was cold. a friend loaned me an article of clothing for my walk home so that i wouldn't freeze. i got back to my apartment and kept the article on, simply because I was still cold. I really don't think that my friend would mind that I used their article of clothing to fulfill what my friend wanted me to use it for -- to stay warm. apparently, though, I was supposed to reject my friend's offer because when you wear the clothing of a friend of the opposite gender, you are obviously dating him. "Andrea, you really need to be aware of the implications here." you know what? I don't care about the implications. I was borrowing something from a friend. it was to keep me warm. anyone who was there when it was offered knew that it was offered in the name of friendship. I can't take the speculation right now. there has not been a single year without speculation surrounding me and one of my guy friends. what is it about me that this happens with such regularity? to be clear, the giggly girly-talk that i do with some of my gal friends is wonderful and good. there is mutual teasing there. but to have one person just digging at me about "the implications" and how I should do certain tasks in one way or another, it's simply difficult on me. especially right now. I keep trying to tell myself that she means well, and she is trying to do the teasing girl-talk thing. i'm only being about 5% successful, though. and i end up with a ton of resentment built up. want to get rid of this resentment. i want to stop having hard feelings towards her. if i don't want to get any flack, though, i need to turn into her. if i'm exactly like her, then she will have to stop giving me such a hard time. but you know what? I SIMPLY CAN'T DO THAT. i'm done denying myself. i've denied myself my entire life in certain areas, and i'm done. call me a witch, call me hard-hearted, even complain that i must be PMS-ing, i don't care. I can't take her criticism anymore. God, I need all the help I can get here. Even hearing that she is helping in certain ways doesn't appease me, because i'm annoyed that she's only helping out in the little ways, and she's not doing things like shoveling the parking lot. she wants to drive somewhere, she should help dig. she cleaned the roof once. that's nice. it's not that tough. but she wasn't out helping with the parking lot. all she did was criticize me for doing the roof wrong and coming inside with snow on me. 1) i was coming inside from the roof and was headed out the door immediately. do not warm up, do not pass go, do not collect hot cocoa. 2) she wasn't doing anything to help out. Why am I so upset about her and not my other roommates? well, one has a bum knee. it's all we can do to make her sit down. I'm not going to be upset with her for not helping. one of my other roommates spent yesterday somewhere else. and currently she and her BF are attacking the front. I can't be mad at her. another roommate was out there helping, in fact, she was out there before me. I really can't accuse her of slacking off at all. i simply felt abused. beaten into the ground. kicked when I was down simply because i spent time with friends and they were looking out for me, and then i had the shear audacity to help dig the apartment out, but it wasn't done how she would do it, and therefore i was oh-so-clearly in the wrong.

you know, normally i can get along just fine with this roommate. we have quite a number of little things that we do together, we can chat together, and it's all good. but right now, it really ain't happening. I just feel run over by her. steam rolled. it's like she's lonely and taking it out on me because i have good guy friends, but i'm not dating any of them. it might be easier on her if i was, because then i'd have an excuse, in her mind. i don't like excuses. I'm done with them. I need no excuse for my behavior.