Lie and say that I'm beautiful
So, the past two days have been good. Went to that College Fair. Oh baby. You know it. It seemed like bullshit to me because I think I'm beginning to convince myself that I won't be able to go to college. It's really depressing me. I generally don't let my random, despairing thoughts affect me, or at least I am unaware of it. But it's really eating away at me. For the first time in my life, I'm afraid. I fear that my life is being sucked down the drain of nothingness. My life is losing its definition--it's value. I'm allowing my life to mean nothing to me. ...I'm slipping away from me.
I'm afraid that it's too late to change my perception. I'm scared that the view I have of myself will soon form into judgment I deserve. I will begin to wither. I'll stop looking in the mirror for there will be nothing there to see anymore. I'll betray myself. I'll turn my back to myself, staring a festering hole into it, through my chest. I'll blame everybody else knowing that I am responsible for this zombie shell. I'll blame them because they'll blame everyone for my irreparable damage and allow them to excuse me. I won't believe it yet it will comfort them to think that I still have hope for myself. I'll comfort myself through their hope for I won't be there to live for me anymore. I'm scared I'll abandon myself to live for them.
I feel it starting to happen and I'm afraid. I don't want there to be no self to change.
The more I read this, the less sense it makes. My priorities are in the wrong places but I don't want to reorganize them. I'm fucking with me. Is that all I'm good for? Destroying all organization? Instilling fear? Emotional and mental disaster? Am I worth any effort at all? Am I figuratively committing suicide? Does that make me weak and challenge-less? I know the answers, but I build a wall around the possibility of change. I'm immature and avoid anything that requires more than minimal effort. Does that make me a paradox or a contradiction? Maybe I have no premises.. Maybe the ones I have are wrong. I might be a liar. I might not even be as deep as I think I am.
Fuck it. I'm sick of crying for myself. I have to get over myself. This isn't self introspection, it's self pity.
I sleep too much.
I'm afraid that it's too late to change my perception. I'm scared that the view I have of myself will soon form into judgment I deserve. I will begin to wither. I'll stop looking in the mirror for there will be nothing there to see anymore. I'll betray myself. I'll turn my back to myself, staring a festering hole into it, through my chest. I'll blame everybody else knowing that I am responsible for this zombie shell. I'll blame them because they'll blame everyone for my irreparable damage and allow them to excuse me. I won't believe it yet it will comfort them to think that I still have hope for myself. I'll comfort myself through their hope for I won't be there to live for me anymore. I'm scared I'll abandon myself to live for them.
I feel it starting to happen and I'm afraid. I don't want there to be no self to change.
The more I read this, the less sense it makes. My priorities are in the wrong places but I don't want to reorganize them. I'm fucking with me. Is that all I'm good for? Destroying all organization? Instilling fear? Emotional and mental disaster? Am I worth any effort at all? Am I figuratively committing suicide? Does that make me weak and challenge-less? I know the answers, but I build a wall around the possibility of change. I'm immature and avoid anything that requires more than minimal effort. Does that make me a paradox or a contradiction? Maybe I have no premises.. Maybe the ones I have are wrong. I might be a liar. I might not even be as deep as I think I am.
Fuck it. I'm sick of crying for myself. I have to get over myself. This isn't self introspection, it's self pity.
I sleep too much.